After Time (Love Always Makes It Better)
by TKR.87
Summary: Alex and Olivia have only been dating three weeks when Alex is abducted by a known offender who Olivia had helped send to prison 6 years earlier. Can the ADA survive the cruel torture she is about to face and how do she and Olivia cope with the aftermath? Deals with sensitive subjects and scenes. Rated M. Eventual Cabenson
1. Chapter 1

**I'm back! With another story, I know. I am sorry that I haven't been updating my stories recently, I kind of came to a major writers block with them and what with work being so busy at the moment I just haven't had time.**

**This story, has been a few months in writing. I have already written 13 chapters for this story, and am now ready to start posting. I will be updating weekly, and continuing writing on this story. I finish work for the summer on the 18th July so hopefully then I can get my other stories back on track. **

**WARNING: This story deals with sensitive subjects and may be triggering and difficult to read. (Includes Rape, Torture and later SI behaviour) I will post a warning on each chapter just to let you know what you are about to read.**

**This Chapter is just setting the scene so it isn't overly exciting, but don't turn away just yet.**

**A few months ago I was messaged by Wheelie91 with a story request. I was a little weary to begin with as the subject was sensitive and the plot a little twisted but I came round and hopefully this story is well received. I understand that it is a little twisted and sickening, and I assure you it does not reflect my opinions and I do not condone rape or torture of any kind. **

**This is purely fiction, at the request of Wheelie91. While I appreciate your thoughts, and opinions, which you are most entitled to, if you don't want to read and don't like what you are reading then don't read it.**

**Lastly. DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or its characters and I am making no money from this story. **

Chapter 1

Alexandra Cabot hummed happily to herself as she took a shower. She finally felt like things were going well in her life, she had a job that she loved, her own apartment and to top it off she had the most amazing girlfriend.

Tonight she was going on another date with the brunette beauty and she hoped it would be a night she never wanted to forget. They had been officially dating for three weeks and had yet to be intimate but Alex was ready and she wanted tonight to be the night. Alex had never met anyone like Olivia, her beauty was striking but it was her heart that had captured Alex's attention. From the first time Alex had seen Olivia interact with a victim, she knew the brunette was something special. She was easy to talk to and trust and over time Alex had also seen how incredibly kind she was to everyone.

Olivia wasn't easy to get to know though and it had taken a few months for them to build a friendship and it had slowly evolved into more. Alex smiled widely as she remembered their first kiss just over three weeks previous.

_Alex had gone over to Olivia's for their weekly DVD night and the blonde was comfortable sitting on the couch, legs underneath herself and her head resting on the detective's shoulder. It had been another long week and she was pleased to be ending it with her best friend. _

_Alex's hair was beginning to loosen itself from the thin tie she used to pull into a ponytail and she blew softly on a piece that had fallen in front of her eyes. It held itself in place before falling back into her eye line. _

_Olivia giggled and leant forward tucking the offending piece of hair behind the blonde's ear. "There you go" she said quietly causing Alex lifted her head and blue eyes met brown as the blonde whispered "Thanks"_

_Neither woman broke eye contact as they both succumbed to the dance they had been perfecting over the last month. Their lips met gently, moving slowly, tentatively for a few moments until Alex broke the kiss. _

_Olivia searched the blonde's eyes for confirmation that she was okay and must have received it as she pushed the blonde gently back into the couch, one hand on her shoulder and the other on her cheek as she leant in and reclaimed her lips with her own._

Stepping out of the shower, a dreamy smile on her lips, Alex wrapped a towel around herself and proceeded into her bedroom. She had spent ages deciding what to wear and had finally chosen her black jeans with her red sweater. They were going to dinner and then would decide where the mood took them. Alex wanted everything to be perfect for their first time and had spent hours grooming herself in the shower. She dried and dressed and then set about drying her hair and applying make-up.

Meanwhile across town Olivia Benson was sitting on the couch, constantly glancing at the clock. She had gotten ready way too early and now she had to wait. Olivia hated waiting, especially when she was so nervous and excited at the same time. She smiled as she thought of Alex who was always fashionably late unless it was work related and then she was as punctual as a cuckoo clock. Olivia loved that Alex could turn heads everywhere she went; she was an incredibly beautiful woman and Olivia loved being the one Alex wanted. Alex could no doubt have anyone she chose but to know that she had chosen Olivia made the brunette very happy.

Olivia sighed as she glanced at the clock again. Alex would be picking her up in around half an hour; she had no idea what to do until then. She stood and checked her reflection in the mirror, unsure whether the make-up she had applied suited her olive skin tone. She re-combed her hair, before returning to the couch and switching on the TV, hoping that would pass the time and ease her nerves a little. She was secretly hoping that Alex would be ready to take their relationship to the next level but would never pressure the blonde. They had spent many evenings in heavy make-out sessions and there had been wandering hands but Olivia knew Alex was nervous, and she knew she had never been intimate with a woman before.

Olivia had always known she was gay and hadn't had any reservations about coming out or being with a member of the same sex but she knew Alex had denied it throughout her teens and had dated her fair share of men in the past, she had always wanted to fit into society's norms, and had been afraid of what her parents and family would think. But since meeting Olivia she had come to realise that her happiness mattered far more than pleasing others and she had resigned herself to the fact that she may not make the DA's chair because of her sexuality. Olivia had been proud of Alex for coming out to her parents, and she had known how hard it was for the blonde to follow her heart.

* * *

Alex grabbed her purse and re checked her make-up before dashing out the door. She was going to be late again. She knew that Olivia didn't mind, and she knew that Olivia thought it was pretty funny that she would always be at least 5 minutes late every time. Alex didn't mean to but she was very good at procrastinating, and would always tell herself she had plenty of time, until she began to panic that is. Driving out of the underground garage in her convertible, Alex began humming along to the track playing on the radio, a smile on her lips.

The drive to Olivia's never took very long but it seemed that today there was a hell of a lot of traffic and Alex sat drumming her fingers on the steering wheel as she sat behind a row of honking cars. She was beginning to feel nervous about the date and hoped she wasn't being presumptuous in thinking that Olivia would want to be intimate with her. There had been signs, during their make-out sessions, Olivia's hands were the ones that wandered first, and had gradually become more adventurous in their exploration, not to mention how flustered the brunette would get during them and afterwards and whenever Alex showed a little flesh, Olivia's eyes were always drawn to it. Alex smiled before furrowing her brows, she began to wonder if she should have dressed a little differently, but shook her head as the traffic ahead began to move.

It wasn't long before Alex came to another stop and decided to take an alternate route. She couldn't wait to see the brunette even though they had seen each other at work only a few hours earlier; there was something about Olivia that made her miss her like crazy.

Alex turned her thoughts to the future. She didn't daydream often, she would rather concentrate on the present than worry about what might happen in the future but when it came to Olivia, she could imagine them being together for years to come, with little mini-me's running around. Alex had never really thought about having children, until she met Olivia, she could just picture Olivia rocking a child in her arms and the thought made her heart swell.

Just as Alex was beginning to daydream again she heard a roar, and glanced in her rear-view mirror to see a large SUV gaining speed on her. Alex gripped the steering wheel tight as she accelerated, still glancing at the vehicle coming up behind her before she skidded to a stop as she noticed another vehicle heading towards her. Alex shook with fear, as she watched two large guys approach wearing balaclavas. Her car door flew open and she saw the silver barrel of a gun before a hand covered her mouth and everything faded to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all that reviewed the first chapter, I am glad that people are interested and I hope I can continue to keep you engaged in the storyline. Please give credit to Wheelie91 for the main storyline. **

**My plan was to update weekly but if you'd prefer I can update twice weekly...let me know what you think. **

**So onwards with Chapter 2.**

Chapter 2

Olivia looked at the clock again and chuckled, it was 7.40pm. Alex was ten minutes late, again. She sighed as she shut off the TV and once again went to the mirror to check her make-up and hair. As she went to return to the couch, her cell began to ring and she smiled when she saw that it was Alex.

"Hey baby" she answered cheerily but was immediately on alert when she heard heavy breathing on the end of the line "Alex?"

"Hi Olivia" came a deep voice that certainly did not belong to her blonde girlfriend

"Who is this?" Olivia tried to sound calm but her voice was wavering as the panic rose inside of her. She picked up her gun and clipped it to her jeans as she grabbed her keys, not sure where she was heading but knowing Alex was in trouble

"You don't remember?" the voice asked with a chuckle "That's a shame"

"Where's Alex?" Olivia asked as she exited the apartment, her whole body shaking as she willed herself to calm down. She needed to get a handle on her emotions but for the first time since she was a child, Olivia was terrified.

"We're going to have some fun"

Olivia screamed as the line went dead and she took a deep breath, forcing the tears not to fall. She had to think, she needed to calm down and be rational. _Think Olivia, think. Elliot. I need to call Elliot._

Dialling her partner's number with shaky hands, Olivia collapsed on the stairs as she listened to the ringing on the other end.

"Stabler"

"El…" Olivia said through the tears, her voice shaky and raw with emotion. Try as she might, the thought of something happening to Alex caused her to break down.

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

"Alex" she choked out "Someone…I don't know El"

Elliot's breath hitched as he heard his partners distress "Are you at home Olivia?"

"Yes"

"I'm on my way"

Olivia ended the call and dropped her cell into her lap before she began to sob uncontrollably. It seemed to take hours for Elliot to arrive but she knew it had barely been an hour. She stopped crying as soon as the male detective dropped down beside her.

"Olivia?"

"Someone's got Alex. He called me, from her cell"

Elliot held back a gasp as he put his arm around his partner and close friend. He had only learnt of Olivia and Alex's relationship the previous day after accidentally walking in on them sharing a kiss.

"We have to find her Elliot" she said adamantly "Take me to the station. We need to put out a search on her car and trace the call"

Elliot nodded, he was worried about Alex and Olivia but he knew that the brunette needed to feel in control. He stood and Olivia followed him to the car, she was shaking but the wheels were turning in her head, trying to rationalise and gain some control over the situation.

During the ride, Olivia took the time to compose her thoughts; she steadied her breathing and wiped her eyes, even though her heart was beating ten to the dozen and it sounded loud in her ears, she managed not to let anymore tears escape.

Anyone watching would have been able to tell what she was going through as she entered the 16th precinct, Elliot in tow. Her posture screamed authority and if Elliot had not seen her so shaken up beforehand, he himself would not believe what was happening.

Olivia entered the squad room as the TARU technician arrived at the same time. She had already called and asked them to meet her, although she highly doubted they would learn anything from the call. She turned to the man hovering to her left and handed him her cell. "I need you to trace the last incoming call"

He nodded, taking her cell before leaving the squad room.

"What the hell is going on Olivia?" Captain Cragen asked from the doorway to his office

"Something's happened to Alex" she said firmly "We were meant to be going out to dinner and she was going to pick me up. I got a call from her cell at just after twenty to eight, but it wasn't Alex. The voice was male, he knew my name, I asked who he was and he laughed and said it was a shame I didn't remember. I asked where Alex was and…and…he said they were going to…have…some….fun"

Elliot put his arm around the brunette's shoulders as she began to tremble; she shrugged him off and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She needed to be in control, she had to be.

"I've put out a search on a car and I just gave my cell to TARU"

"We'll find her Liv" Munch said vacating his desk and heading over to the coffee machine "Sit and I'll bring you a coffee"

"I don't need a fucking coffee" Olivia ground out as she sat herself at her desk, pushing the stack of papers onto the floor and clenching her fists "I need to find Alex"

* * *

Meanwhile Alex blinked open her eyes, her head felt fuzzy and it took her a moment to realise she was in the back of a van, moving. Groaning, she attempted to sit up but felt a hand on her shoulder as she was pushed back down "Lie down and shut up"

"Who are you?" Alex asked as she squinted up at the figure, his face obscured by the mask he was wearing

"That doesn't matter right now. But I know who you are. How's Olivia treating you?"

"Shut up" Alex said, sounding stronger than she felt "She'll find out where I am, you know"

The man laughed, leaning closer to the blonde and Alex could smell the scent of cigarette smoke and cheap whiskey. She felt him press his covered lips against her own and her body tensed as tears began to leak from her eyes. She wanted Olivia, she wanted Olivia to wake her up and tell her it was all just a dream but as the car came to a stop and the man grabbed her hair, she knew it was real.

Alex yelped as she was tugged into a sitting position and the man whispered into her ear

"Be a good girl now and I won't hurt you"

Alex knew she needed to control herself; she needed to find some sort of strength because she wasn't sure she would survive otherwise. She had no idea who this man was, and where he was taking her, she had no clue as to what he was going to do but she knew it wouldn't be pleasant. She couldn't show weakness, she had to be strong to survive.

"I'm not scared" she said as she heard footsteps approaching "I know they'll find me"

"Oh they will" the man agreed with a chuckle "I assure you"

Alex tensed as the door opened and she was blinded by a light, she blinked a couple of times as the light dimmed and she was pulled roughly from the van and thrown to the ground. Alex felt her knees collide with the rough concrete but she gritted her teeth and refused to cry out. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain.

"Hello"

Alex looked up to see another man leering at her, he was less stockier than the other guy and he too was wearing a mask but she could see his eyes, they looked empty, evil and Alex was terrified as he leant down and sniffed her

"You've got a good one there" he said to the larger man that had been in the back of the van

"Who are you?" Alex asked again but was rewarded with a sharp slap to her left cheek

"Shut up bitch"

Alex didn't dare say anything else as she was hoisted to her feet, it wasn't until she started walking that she realised her hands were bound behind her, she tried tugging but she felt a sharp pain in her wrists and realised that whatever was binding her would cause more damage if she struggled.

Alex tried to take in her surroundings, she was vaguely aware of the cold chill and suspected that she was in some kind of warehouse, the walls were solid brick it seemed and there were no windows that she could see. The light she had been blinded with when the van door opened had dimmed considerably.

Alex heard a door creak open and she was roughly shoved to the ground before the door shut on her and she was left alone. It was only then that Alex broke the resolve she had been holding and allowed the tears to fall. She was terrified and had no idea what was going to happen next.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for all the kind reviews. As you can see I am updating twice weekly per your requests. **

**TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault scene, may be triggering. Not overly graphic, mild compared to what you might read in later chapters. (I do not condone sexual assault, rape, kidnapping etc)**

Chapter 3

Back at the 16th precinct Olivia was going through multiple old cases, trying to find someone with a similar MO. Alex's car had been found and the call had been traced to within the vicinity of where the car had been found. Olivia was frustrated, especially as she had tried calling Alex's cell but had been rewarded with a blank dialling tone. It made sense that he would have dumped the cell but Olivia was angry.

She had been angry when she realised that Alex had taken a different route to the usual one, but she knew in the back of her mind that whoever had kidnapped her was following her regardless of which route she had taken. They had found a handkerchief on the driver's seat and it had been tested. Alex had been chloroformed and the thought made Olivia's stomach turn.

She grew angrier as the minutes passed and her co-workers were watching with increasing worry. They knew that Olivia would snap soon and they were concerned about how this was going to affect the brunette detective. Alex had become her whole world, they had never seen her as happy as she had been in the last couple of weeks and if anything happened to the blonde, they knew it would destroy her.

Elliot was also rummaging through old cases, and trying to find anyone that had been released recently. It was almost midnight and he knew that the brunette needed to rest, to regain her composure and get back to the job at hand with a clearer mind. He was about to tell Olivia to try and get some sleep when something caught his eye.

"Liv?"

Olivia turned to face her partner, her eyes dark and empty, and her lids drooping "Yeah?"

"Do you remember Carlson Waverly?"

Olivia furrowed her brows as she thought hard and then her eyes snapped open wide eyed.

"I arrested him about 6 years ago. He kidnapped his step daughter, she was 14, and he raped her and then killed her"

Elliot nodded "He smothered her with a pillow"

"Chloroform" Olivia said quietly "He used it when he kidnapped her"

Elliot got up and approached the brunette detective "He was released last week. Olivia, do you think it was him on the phone?"

Olivia shrugged her shoulders "I don't know El" she said quietly as a tear slid down her cheek "I want Alex"

Elliot nodded as he offered his hand to Olivia "Come and lay down for a little while Liv. We'll let you know if we find anything"

Olivia shook her head and pulled away from her partner as she wiped her cheeks "No! I have to find Alex. He could be doing…he might hurt her"

"Olivia. You need to look after yourself for Alex" came a female voice from the doorway and Olivia turned to face the sound

"Abbie?"

The younger, slimmer brunette approached Olivia and pulled her into a hug "Come on, let's go lay down"

"What are you doing here?"

Abbie smiled as she nodded to Elliot, who began setting up the evidence board, relieved that the brunette ADA had arrived.

"Elliot called me. I'm going to be taking over while we sort this mess out" Abbie said gently as she looked at the photographs on the board

"It's Alex" Olivia said quietly as the tears began rolling again "He's got Alex"

Abbie's heart broke for the detective; she had known her for numerous years, and had once been SVU's ADA. She vaguely remembered prosecuting Carlson Waverly for his crimes and knew he had gotten 10 years with a chance of parole after 5. She felt responsible for what was happening but had to put her own guilt aside to work with the detectives now and help find Alex.

"You and Alex huh?" she said with a small chuckle as she led the older brunette up the stairs "I never would have guessed"

Olivia smiled despite her weariness and worry "How's Serena? I haven't seen her in a while"

"Good. She'll be here later. Olivia, we'll find her"

Olivia nodded but Abbie could tell that Olivia didn't believe that right now. She couldn't imagine what the detective was going through, she thought of how she would feel if she was in this position and it had been Serena that had been taken. She felt tears prick at her eyes and blinked hard to will them not to fall. She had to be there for Olivia. Pushing open the door to the cribs, she led Olivia over to a bunk and sat beside her.

"I'll stay with you Liv. Try to sleep"

Olivia laid her head on the pillows and closed her eyes but she couldn't settle. She kept picturing Alex being held against her will and her mind swam with thoughts of what could be happening to her girlfriend.

"Shh" Abbie soothed as Olivia began to sob lightly, her heart splitting at two at the sounds coming from the usually composed woman. "It'll be okay"

Olivia tried to block everything out but as hard as she tried she just sobbed louder until her whole body was shaking. She bolted upright and shook her head "I need to find her Abbie. I can't lose her…she doesn't even know I love her"

Abbie smiled at Olivia's words. She had always known that Olivia harboured feelings for the blonde and hated that this had happened to her friends "She knows" Abbie soothed "Come on, I know it's hard but you need to look after yourself. Just a couple of hours Liv"

Olivia nodded as she lay back down and closed her eyes. Her exhaustion was evident and she fell into a fitful sleep. Abbie stayed by her side, her own tears slipping down her cheeks.

* * *

Alex shivered as she lay on the cold hard ground, she wanted to scream, but she knew no-one would hear, no one that could help anyway. Tears leaked from her eyes and she thought of Olivia. She hadn't had a chance to tell Olivia she loved her and now she might never see her again, she had resigned herself to the fact that she might die here, alone, but something in her mind told her it wouldn't be that simple.

The door opened and Alex felt herself being hoisted into strong arms, at first she thought she might be being rescued but the same scent of cheap whisky and cigarette's soon told her otherwise and she closed her eyes. She didn't want to see what was going to happen. If she was going to die, she wanted to see Olivia's face, not that of her killer. She felt herself being lowered onto a mattress and her hands being untied. She breathed a sigh of relief at the reprieve but it was short lived as she felt her hands being tied up again. She blinked her eyes open and for the first time she saw the face of her captor. The larger man leered down at her from above.

"Hi beautiful" he said with a smile "I wondered when you were going to look at me"

Alex closed her eyes again but felt a slap to her cheek; she cried out and felt her legs being pulled apart, she struggled against the man's tight grip and felt another slap to her cheek as he tied her ankles like her wrists had been moments earlier.

"Don't fight me and keep your eyes open. I want you to see and feel everything I do to you"

Alex forced her eyes open and began to panic as she noticed the man was unbuttoning his jeans, she shook her head, yanking at the restraints, feeling the metal of the handcuffs digging into her wrists.

"Please, don't. Please" she begged but it was no use, she closed her eyes and felt another sharp slap to her cheek, bringing tears to her eyes with its sting.

"I told you to open your eyes bitch and why are you still fighting me?"

Alex forced her eyes open, and immediately closed them as she saw her captors erect penis inches from her face. She felt a sharp pain on her right cheek and opened her eyes to see the glinting metal of a blade. She realised he had cut her and saw the wicked glint in his eyes.

"Close your eyes again and it'll be deeper" he warned

Alex nodded and he smiled as she stroked her cheek, forcing his manhood closer to her

"Good girl. Now bite me and your dead"

Alex heard a chuckle and as she turned her face noticed the other man laughing as he pointed a gun at her. Alex knew this was no game. She had to do what she was told or she would be dead.

Keeping her eyes trained on the man in front of her, she opened her mouth and allowed him to put himself inside. He smiled at her as he began to move, his face contorted in pleasure. Alex fought the urge to gag, to fight, and to close her eyes but she couldn't help the tears that slid out.

* * *

Olivia opened her eyes and noticed the sun shining through the window. She sat up and stretched, and as her senses began to awaken, she remembered. _Alex!_

She flew to the door and down the stairs, noticing the squad room bustling with activity.

"What's going on?" she demanded to no one in particular and Abbie was by her side immediately as Elliot approached

"We've put out traces on Carlson's vehicles but nothing has come up as yet. We don't think he is working alone as more than one set of tyre tracks were found but we aren't sure who else is involved. We've contacted his former cell mate and Munch and Fin are going to talk to him right now. There's not much else to tell you right now Liv"

"Why didn't anyone wake me?" Olivia accused as she noticed that it was in fact 9am.

"You need to sleep" Abbie said defiantly

"Olivia, you can't work this case" Cragen said as she approached his detective

"The hell I can't" Olivia said shrugging off Abbie's arms as she stormed over to the evidence board "He's somewhere, doing god knows what to Alex and I can't just let it happen"

"We're not" Elliot said gently "We're doing everything we can Olivia, but there just isn't much evidence. We don't know if Carlson even has Alex"

"Did you manage to track down where he's staying?"

Elliot nodded "Yes and he hasn't been seen since Wednesday but that doesn't mean anything?"

"Can't you get into his apartment? Abbie can get a warrant"

Abbie shook her head "There isn't any other evidence that it is him that we're looking for"

"It was him on the phone!" Olivia shouted, slamming her hand down on the desk

"You said earlier you weren't sure" Elliot reminded the brunette

"But I am. I know it's him" Olivia said as she slumped down into her chair. "I know it"

Elliot looked across at Abbie sadly as Olivia began to cry. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to pretend it was Alex comforting her but it didn't work and she sobbed louder.

Abbie approached cautiously, not wanting to startle the distraught woman "Liv, let's go and get a coffee. The guys have it under control here"

Olivia looked up and nodded through her tears. As much as she wanted to find Alex and help in the investigation, she knew that it was impossible to stay focused and not let her emotions cloud her judgement. Reluctantly, she followed Abbie out of the squad room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the reviews so far, means a lot to me. **

**TRIGGER WARNING: Sensitive subject matter which may be triggering, read with caution. **

Chapter 4

Alex laid spread eagle on the mattress, tears soaking her cheeks and pooling beside her. The wound to her cheek stinging with the saltiness of her tears which just caused her more anguish and the tears kept falling. She had been stripped naked and try as she might, she could not break free of the restraints. She knew she had broken skin on her ankles, the pain almost as unbearable as the cut on her cheek and the rawness of the skin already broken on her wrists.

She had been relieved when the ordeal had ended, the man had emptied himself onto her sweater and she was thankful for the reprieve, not sure how she would have coped if he had ejaculated into her mouth.

Alex knew worse was to come. There was only one reason she was naked and she tried not to think about what was going to happen. She had no idea of the time and this frightened her, she felt as if she had been here days but she knew that it had not been 24 hours since she had been taken. She hoped Olivia was trying to find her, and the thought of her girlfriend made her cry harder.

"Shut the fuck up bitch"

Alex heard the voice before she saw the figure, the same man had returned. This time he was alone and Alex had already guessed that he was the main participant in her kidnapping. She wanted to think that this was a random snatch but he had spoken about Olivia, he had known who she was and Alex knew she was being punished to get to her girlfriend.

Alex continued sobbing and cried out as her hair was pulled roughly and the man leant closer to her. "I told you to shut up" he sneered "If you try and fight me, I will kill you"

Alex swallowed, sure that this would be the moment he raped her, but she felt her hands and feet

being freed and for a moment she thought about running. _You can do this Alex, this is your chance. But he said he'd kill me. If I don't make it out, he's going to kill me. _

Alex gasped as he grabbed her wrists, yanking her to her feet. Her legs buckled under the pain and he laughed "God, you're hopeless. Stand up!"

Alex bit her lip as she fought against the pain and was led out of the room, she tried to struggle but he slapped her hard and hissed at her to stay still.

Alex screamed as she was pushed under a spray of freezing cold water. He grabbed her wrists and held them above her head; she felt something hard against her wrists and realised she was being shackled to a wall. She lifted her knee and it collided with his nether regions. She smirked as he let go but cried out as she was rewarded with a harder blow to her face, knocking her unconscious.

* * *

Serena Southerlyn hurried into the 16th precinct, not taking the time to appreciate the changes to the building she hadn't set foot in, in over a year. When she had gotten the call from Abbie the previous night she had been in shock. Alex had been a good friend to her over the years and the thought of her being taken by some lowlife made her sick to her stomach, she had barely registered the news that Olivia and Alex were now dating, her mind on the blonde that she had grown to think of as a sister.

"Serena"

Serena turned at the voice and was nearly knocked over by her girlfriend flying into her arms. She held her against her chest and was alarmed to feel the woman shaking.

"Abbie?"

Abbie pulled back and gave Serena a small smile as she wiped her eyes "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Olivia's girlfriend has been kidnapped and here I am crying because I've missed you so much"

"I've missed you too" Serena whispered "Where's Liv?"

"She's over there" Abbie said pointing towards a seat further down the corridor where Olivia Benson was staring absentmindedly at the coffee in her hands.

"How's she doing?"

"She's trying to be strong and hold it together but you can tell its breaking her apart inside"

Serena noded sadly "How long has she and Alex…?"

"About 3 weeks" Abbie answered with a genuine smile "It's about time"

The two women approached Olivia and Serena pulled her into a hug as Abbie took the now cold coffee cup from her hands. "Shh, it's going to be okay"

"But what if it's not?" she asked through her rapidly pooling tears "I don't know what I'd do without her"

"You can't think like that Liv. You need to be strong for Alex" Serena told her firmly

"I'm going to see what's going on upstairs Liv, I'll let you know any developments" Abbie says quietly

Olivia shakes her head as she pulls from the blonde's arms "I need to help; I can't just sit around and wait"

* * *

Alex gasped as she opened her eyes and struggled to catch her breath with the torrent of water pouring down on her. Her head pounded and the sound of rushing water was deafening to her ears. Her whole body was shivering and she had no idea how long she'd been out cold for. She tried to lower her head so that the water didn't pour over her face but it was no use as she realised she'd been put in a chokehold and the metal bit into her skin.

Her tears mixed with the running water as she continued to gasp for air. It felt as if she was drowning and she tried to tell herself that it was just water and she wasn't going to die like this but she was terrified.

All concept of time had flown from Alex's mind and she seriously had no idea what day it was or how long she had been here. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing but it didn't seem to be any use, the water cascading on her naked body was ice cold and Alex had grown numb.

Alex resigned herself to the fact that she was not going to be released any time soon and began humming softly to herself, anything to rid herself of the panic that was rising inside of her. She felt a pressure in her lower stomach and to her horror she lost control of her bladder and urinated. Alex tried to close her legs but it was a futile attempt as her ankles were also bound to the wall. She was grateful that her moment of weakness had not been witnessed, certain that the reason for it was simply fear.

Her breathing increased as the flow of water began to ease and Alex gasped as it ceased to fall. She opened her eyes and held her breath, certain that the men would return but she couldn't hear anything other than the continuous drips of water that fell onto her forehead.

She re-closed her eyes, her body still trembling and tried to block out the sound. _Drip, drip, drip. _Alex tried to turn her head away but the restraints were too tight and the pain was too unbearable to try.

Alex knew that they were trying to scare her, trying to make her go crazy but she was determined now to let it happen. _Think of something else Alex. Think of Olivia, where did you want to go for dinner? The Olive Garden or maybe Luigi's. I wanted pasta._

Alex shook her head, now she was thinking about food. She hadn't eaten in what seemed like forever and there was a constant ache in her stomach. She hadn't had anything to drink either and she could feel her body becoming lethargic, especially as she had been upright for the last…however long it had been.

_Drip, drip, drip…_


	5. Chapter 5

**So here we go with Chapter 5.**

**I'll post a TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter although it isn't too heavy, just mention of some torture that may affect some. **

**Thank you all for the reviews. Credit to Wheelie91 for the story idea. **

**Tummer22: Where I am flicking between scenes at the moment I don't want the chapters to drag on, and be bitty so that's why they aren't overly long. I appreciate you wanting to read more, thank you. **

**Darcofin: Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me :) **

**Tifytoodles29ya: I haven't stopped, am continuing writing constantly but updates have been twice weekly. **

**I finish work for the summer in two days and then I have 6 weeks to write, and to post more frequently. I may get the next chapter up tomorrow evening around the same time as this one. **

Chapter 5

Olivia banged her fist on the desk, causing Abbie and Serena to jump and the two young ADA's glanced worriedly at each other. They'd both tried to get Olivia to sleep but the brunette detective had snapped at them and they didn't want to upset her any more than she already was.

"Where's Elliot?"

"He's gone to the cribs for a bit" Serena explained gently

Olivia glared at the blonde "He needs to be finding Alex, why aren't you trying to find Alex?!"

"Benson! That's enough" Cragen warned from his office doorway, having heard the commotion "Go and lie down"

Olivia shook her head and she stood abruptly from her chair "Why isn't anyone helping me?!"

"Liv, calm down, we're doing all we can. Fin and Munch are checking out his apartment first thing in the morning" Abbie tried

"She isn't going to be there" Olivia said with a hint of annoyance but she was no longer shouting "He's too clever to take her to his apartment"

"There might be some clues as to where he's taking her though Olivia. We're lucky that Liz signed the warrant to search his apartment"

"She's Alex's godmother" Olivia whispered

"We know" Serena said gently "Come on Liv, try and get some sleep. You know we're trying our best"

Olivia shook her head. She really did know that they were trying, she was just frustrated, they hadn't learnt anything from Carlson's former cellmate and there was still no clear cut evidence that it was him they were looking for "I know but I can't sleep. He could be doing god knows what to Alex, that's if he hasn't killed her already"

"Hey. You need to think positive Olivia, I know you're scared, we are too but it isn't going to help Alex if we think like that, is it?" Serena chided the brunette gently as Abbie followed Cragen into his office.

"She's been gone for 24 hours Serena. We were meant to be having dinner and…I wanted it to be special. I wanted our first time to be…Oh my god. What if he…?" Olivia couldn't get the words passed her lips and she felt the bile rising at the back of her throat. She grabbed the trashcan, emptying what little she had left in her stomach. She had barely eaten since Alex had been taken, feeling guilty every time she thought about food.

"Shh" Serena soothed, her own throat constricting with tears at what might be happening to her friend. She wished she had visited more often but after moving to Washington DC life had become hectic and she barely had time to visit Abbie, let alone everyone else she had left behind.

Abbie exited Cragen's office and shared a look with Serena that the blonde understood as a direct instruction to get Olivia out of the squad room "Liv, come and lie down. I promise not to let you sleep too long, but you need to look after yourself"

Olivia may have been tired but she was a detective and she knew what the two women were trying to do and shook her head "You can do what you need to with me here. What's going on?"

"Liv…" Abbie started

"No! You can't hide stuff from me. Is it Alex? Did you find her?"

Serena shook her head "No. Liv, please, come and lie down"

"No!" Olivia screamed, pushing the blonde away who looked back at her with shocked eyes "Tell me"

Serena and Abbie looked at each other and the brunette shook her head, pleading with the blonde not to make her tell Olivia what they had learnt.

Olivia looked at both of the women and felt her heart hammering in her chest. She knew whatever they had found out was bad by the looks they were sharing and part of her didn't want to know.

* * *

Alex tensed as she heard the slam of a door closing nearby and the dreaded heavy footsteps. She knew she had fallen asleep at some point, but now she was on high alert. The steady dripping of water had not relented and Alex was slowly drifting into insanity. She had almost given up hope that she would be found but she was also aware that her nightmare would not end soon.

"Hey beautiful"

Alex cringed at the voice, and closed her eyes unwillingly, knowing she would be punished but not daring to care. Sure enough, she felt a sharp blow to her stomach but still refused to open her eyes. She cried out as she felt a second, firmer blow and his voice echoed in her ears.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you bitch"

Alex opened her eyes and forced herself to look at the man before her. She prosecuted people like this, and while the crimes had always disgusted her, living them was another story.

"There we go. You have beautiful eyes Alex"

Alex tried to hold in the tears. Olivia always told her how beautiful her eyes were, and thinking about the brunette tore through her heart. She was terrified but she had to hold onto the hope that Olivia would find her, she had to believe that they were trying.

"I have a surprise for you" he whispered as he roughly handled her breasts, causing her to cry out "But if you fight me, I will kill you"

Alex knew this was no threat, it was a promise and although she was scared, she had to survive. She had to get out of here alive, even if she was certain that death was his final intention. She felt the restraints being loosened and as she was lowered onto the ground, her knees buckled. She cried out when she was pulled up by her hair and he chuckled.

"You're so pathetic"

Alex didn't respond. She had learnt that speaking wasn't the way to go here. Words were her weapon but they seemed to rile this man even further and she didn't want to make him angry.

"You're quiet today"

Alex wanted to say something, she wanted to tell him he didn't scare her, that she wasn't going to give in to him but she knew she would be lying. Right now, she'd do anything just to have some reprieve.

He dragged her by the hair out of the room, and she fought back the tears. She was in so much pain but she knew this wasn't going to end soon and she didn't want him to see her weakness.

Alex felt her heart drop and her stomach turn as she was dragged into a room bright with lights and scary looking contraptions. She noticed another mattress and thick leather restraints and knew she would be tied down again.

"This looks fun doesn't it?" the man said with a chuckle as he tossed her onto the bed and began to tie her once again

Alex shook her head and looked towards the door, wondering what had happened to the other man she had seen.

"He's dead"

Alex snapped her gaze to the large man and furrowed her brows "Why?"

"I didn't need him anymore. You're mine"

Alex shook her head "I'm nobody's" she said in a harsh whisper, earning her a slap to her cheek. Alex could feel the cut he had made splitting and the tears pricked at her eyes once again.

"Shut up"

Alex complied for a brief second but screamed when she felt a sharp sting to her inner left thigh.

"That's fun" the man smiled wickedly and Alex noticed the contraption in his hand.

"What is that?" she asked shakily

"Electroshocks"

Alex screamed again as another shock was applied, this time to her right thigh. She thought the cold water would have numbed her further but it seemed that her body had regained some of its heat and the shocks were extremely powerful.

Alex screamed over and over as electroshocks were applied to every area of skin and every time she wished he would kill her, she didn't want to hold on anymore. This was killing her slowly and she just wanted it to end.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the kind reviews: Eljh55, Mariskafan2364 and dragonsprit**

**TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic description of rape**

**(When Wheelie91 pm'ed me with this story idea, he wanted me to write the torture scenes. I was a little unsure and uncomfortable with it to begin with but I did it as he'd asked so please, constructive criticism welcome but no hate. I've added a TRIGGER WARNING so you are aware and if you read this then you know what's coming. Don't read if you are uncomfortable with it and are going to complain)**

Chapter 6

Olivia was trying not to let the news affect her, but a body had been found, a man named Robert Leroy had been found murdered and dumped outside his apartment. There was no doubt that Carlson had killed him, an accompanying photograph of Alex, tied, unconscious and naked had been found on his body.

It was suspected that Robert had been Carlson's accomplice and had been planning on taking the photograph to the police until he was killed. Olivia had demanded to see the photograph but Abbie had refused, telling Olivia that if she really wanted to see it, she could do the following morning after she had slept.

Yet Olivia couldn't sleep, her mind was spinning and every time she closed her eyes she could see Alex and it was driving her crazy. She wanted to be downstairs helping, but everyone had told her that she needed to sleep, and they were doing all they could.

Olivia knew they were trying. Liz Donnelly had been calling in favours from her colleagues, Abbie was pulling strings and trying to gain information and her fellow detectives were working harder than they had ever done. Serena had been a great source of comfort and she knew how much it was affecting everyone.

"Hey"

Olivia snapped her head up at the voice and smiled weakly as Serena sat down beside her.

"You sleep any?"

Olivia shrugged and then answered "A little, I think"

Serena nodded "We're going to find her. I promise"

Olivia shook her head as she leant into the blonde woman's welcome embrace "You can't promise anything Re"

"I promise you we are doing all we can and we will find her" Serena repeated, although she knew that the hope of finding her alive was beginning to fade.

Olivia nodded before taking a deep breath and pulling away from the blonde "Serena, I need to see that photo"

"Olivia, you don't. Trust me"

"You've seen it?" Olivia asked glancing at the blonde warily.

Serena nodded as she allowed a tear to escape her eye "I don't want you seeing Alex like that, you don't need that image in your head"

"How did she look?"

"Liv…please"

"No Re. I know it's hard for you too, but I need to know. I need to know"

Serena closed her eyes tightly and blinked them open slowly "She had her eyes closed, we don't know if she was alive Olivia"

Olivia felt her heart shatter as she stared dumbstruck at Serena; she shook her head and began to cry, loudly and unreservedly before choking out "I need to see"

Serena sighed as she stood and left the room, leaving Olivia distraught on the bunk.

She returned a few minutes later, with Abbie in tow. She needed the brunette beside her while she did this, because she didn't know how Olivia was going to react.

"Liv" Abbie said quietly "Are you sure?"

Olivia looked up at the two women and nodded. They sat down beside her and Abbie took a hand in her own, squeezing it gently. Olivia was shaking, as Serena handed her the photo. She had taken the copy from the evidence board, the original safely stored away. Carlson's fingerprints had been found on the photo and she knew that this was crucial to the case; they now had concrete evidence that Carlson had something to do with the kidnapping.

Olivia screamed as she looked at her girlfriend, spread eagle against the wall. She traced her thumb over Alex's face, cringing as she saw the deep gash, the bruises, and the welts against her stomach. She dropped the photo and sobbed, her whole world came crashing down at that moment and she didn't have any fight left in her.

Abbie looked at Serena and picked up the photograph, before making a quiet exit.

Serena attempted to console the brunette beside her but Olivia shrugged her off as she continued to cry but Serena heard her whisper "She's alive. I'd know if she wasn't". Serena didn't want to leave the brunette so she shifted a little and sat beside her, her own tears silently falling along her cheeks.

* * *

Alex cried louder as the man continued shocking her with the contraption in his hand. Alex had never seen anything like it and she wasn't sure that was a good thing, she had no idea how many volts this thing could give off but she hazarded a guess that what she was receiving was pretty minor.

Alex closed her eyes but screamed, her whole body lifting off the ground as an extremely powerful shock was applied directly to her clit. She closed her eyes again, almost of their own accord before feeling another shock in this same place.

The man laughed wickedly before whispering into her ear "I'm enjoying this, and it seems you are too"

Alex blinked open her eyes at the feel of the man's fingertips brushing her folds and she allowed a tear to escape when she realised what was happening. She was wet. Her body was betraying her and she was growing aroused against her will.

Alex shook her head, tugging helplessly at the restraints binding her down but it was no use, she could not loosen the straps keeping her in place. She noticed the man moving and tugged harder as she realised he was undoing his pants. She knew what was going to happen and tried to force her legs closed, grunting at the pain in her ankles as the restraints chaffed at her flesh.

"You are not going to fight me, because this is going to happen either way and try as you might, you can't win" he said as he sprang free from his boxers, an evil grin spreading across his lips as Alex thrashed and tugged harder at the restraints.

Alex closed her eyes, knowing that she would be punished for doing so but she didn't want to see what was happening. Sure enough she felt a hard slap to her cheek and felt him press his body into hers. She tried to thrash, but again, the attempt was futile as lips covered her own.

She wanted to scream but his lips pressed harder against her own and he whispered against them "This is going to feel so good"

Alex cried out as he thrust into her easily, biting her lip hard to concentrate on something else than the feel of him inside her and the way her body was reacting. She didn't dare open her eyes, hearing the grunts and moans of the man atop her was enough, seeing him would make the ordeal worse in her mind.

Alex knew she was crying, she knew that he was seeing her weak and that this was spurring him on but she had no strength left to fight. She tried to pull at the ankle restraints but stopped when the man whispered "You feel so tight when you do that, all your muscles grip me harder"

Alex lay still, not wanting to give him pleasure but she was forced to comply when he lifted her from the mattress, his hands gripping her backside as he thrust, harder and harder, driving her towards climax. She tried to hold off, telling herself over and over _He's raping you Alex, don't give in. You don't like it, you hate it, Alex. Don't let him get to you._

Alex sobbed louder as she felt her body convulse, he was still thrusting inside her as her orgasm washed over her and when she heard him grunt loudly and say "Fuck" she knew he was coming inside her.

Alex laid still; the tears falling from her eyes as she kept them screwed shut. She heard the slam of a door and opened them, realising she was alone, but still bound. His ejaculate dripping from her swollen folds as she wished it would end and soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you for the support and lovely comments. **  


**TRIGGER WARNING again in this chapter, some talk of rape and a slightly graphic scene of sexual abuse and torture**

Chapter 7

It had been 72 hours since Alex had been taken and Olivia was absolutely shattered. She had barely slept and barely eaten in the last 48 hours and it was only the presence of Abbie and Serena that kept her holding on. She had almost given up hope of Alex being found alive when Elliot came rushing into the cribs, telling her they had a lead.

Olivia rushed from the bunk and followed her partner down the stairs. She had to give the whole team credit, they had been working non-stop to find the blonde and had all been there to offer her comfort and support.

She noticed the downcast looks on both of the young women's faces and shook her head erratically as she screamed and her knees buckled beneath her "No! No! Please, god"

Serena was at her side in an instant "Olivia, he sent a video"

Olivia looked up and furrowed her brows "Alex?"

Serena nodded, "She's alive Olivia"

"We don't know that" Elliot said, causing the blonde and Abbie to glare at him before the brunette joined her girlfriend and the distraught detective.

"She was alive when the video was taken. We have every reason to believe she still is"

"Can I see?"

"Olivia…" Abbie started but was cut off by the blonde

"Abs, you know she'll not give in. Let her see"

Olivia watched as the video flickered to life and sobbed as her girlfriends face came into view "Hi Olivia"

Olivia sobbed louder at the sound of Alex's voice, noticing how hoarse she sounded and wondered whether she was allowed to eat and drink. She watched as Alex began to cry and saw her being slapped across the cheek hard. She heard no other voices except Alex's telling her that she was okay. She crumbled when the blonde said quietly "Stop looking for me. I love you Olivia, I wanted to tell you before but…"

Abbie stopped the video and Olivia snapped her head up, her eyes questioning.

"Why did you stop?"

Serena put her arm around the brunette and said gently "You don't need to see anymore Olivia"

"Why? What did he do to her?"

"Liv…"

"He raped her, didn't he?"

Serena nodded glumly as she whispered "Yes"

Olivia screamed as her whole body shook with the force of her emotions. She buried her head in the blonde's shoulder and sobbed, loudly and unreservedly.

She heard Elliot and Abbie talking in the distance and her heart shattered all over again when she heard the end of their conversation.

"TARU were unable to trace where the video came from" Elliot told the brunette quietly

"Then we have no proof that it is Carlson that sent it. I know our guts tell us it is and we have his fingerprints on the photo that was found on Robert's body but he was very clever not to speak or let any part of his body show that could identify him"

* * *

Alex gulped down the water being offered to her, as she shakily held the bottle. She had been relieved of the restraints and allowed some reprieve, and after making the video, she had cried herself into a fitful sleep.

Now, she was sitting on a chair, untied and being allowed to drink. She had not been given any food and the sips of water she had been allowed to take had been sparse. She didn't comprehend that she could attempt to escape, that she could fight him. At the back of her mind she knew it to be useless.

It had broken her heart to ask Olivia not to look for her but she had been given her instructions. Telling Olivia that she loved her had been her own idea and he'd beaten her for it. He'd bruised every inch of her body and then raped her while she lay unmoving. She hadn't had the energy to fight but she kept glancing at the camera in the corner, pleading for help, knowing it was still recording.

"I wonder if you're girlfriend liked that little video we made for her" the man mused as he screwed the cap onto the bottle, smirking at the blonde.

Alex spat at him "I hate you"

He slapped her hard but Alex didn't care, she knew he'd kill her eventually and although she wanted to believe she'd be found before he did, she knew the event unlikely.

"You think you're so big! Kidnapping me, raping me, torturing me but I'm still fighting you" she sneered angrily

"Shut up bitch"

"Why? You know I'm right. I still have words and you can't take that away from me"

"Really? You think I won't kill you when I've had enough?"

"If you wanted to kill me, you'd have done so already. You're only doing this to get at Olivia" Alex continued, suddenly feeling braver than she had done since the first night she had been taken.

He slapped her hard again, before squeezing her breasts roughly but Alex kept taunting him "You think I can't see what you are? You're a disgusting excuse for a man, it takes hurting someone to get it up"

This broke something inside her captor but Alex refused to cry out as he hit her over and over, as he roughly touched her in every place possible, cupping her sex and pulling on the blonde hairs above the bundle of nerves.

Alex fought him relentless as he entered her with his fingers, pumping them in and out, whilst his other hand squeezed at her throat. She didn't give up until she lost her fight with oxygen, and blacked out.

* * *

When Alex awoke, she was relieved to find that she was alone. Her whole body ached, and as she attempted to move she cried out as an intense pain ripped through her abdomen. Looking down, she saw the huge purplish bruise that covered most of her torso, she took in the sight of finger shaped bruises across her breasts and thighs and tentatively touched them, hissing at the pain.

She realised she was no longer bound and attempted to stand. Her legs were shaky but she bit her lip as she fought against the pain and managed to move from the chair, she took a step but her legs buckled beneath her.

As she tried to move she heard a male voice she didn't recognise "I wonder what this place is"

She held her breath as she heard another voice, also male "I don't now but it's creepy me out Pete"

_Pete. _

"Don't tell me you're scared Nate" the other voice responded with a chuckle

_Nate._

"No"

Alex furrowed her brows. The voices sounded young, almost teenage like and Alex began to panic. There was no telling what her captor would do if he discovered these boys. She didn't want them to get hurt, she had to warn them. This was her chance to get help but she was more concerned about saving the lads from harm.

Pushing herself up through the pain she crawled to the door, tugging at the handle, she groaned in frustration, realising it was locked. Through a crack in the battered door, she could see the outline of the boy's only inches away and sucked in her breath when they approached.

"I swear I saw this handle move" one of the boys said

"Don't be silly Pete"

"No, it did. Look"

Alex jiggled the handle again, trying to gain their attention. It worked as they took a step closer to the door.

"Get out of here" she said hoarsely "Please"

The shorter of the lads took a step forward, peering through the gap "Are you okay, Miss?"

"Go" Alex said hearing heavy footsteps approaching.

She covered her ears as she heard a scream and the unmistakable sound of a gunshot. She looked through the gap in the door and saw the outline of a body on the ground.

"Damn"

She backed away from the door as she noticed her captor approaching. The door swung open and she was lifted by his arms and carried out of the room. She struggled against his strong grip, looking up at him fear evident in her eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

**I received a review from a guest that thought this story was dragging on too long. I'll explain my reasoning, I was giving a time frame by Wheelie91 about how long Alex would be held for until she was found so I had to incorporate that into the story. I know the chapters have been short but that's solely unintended, just the way I wrote the story. **

**But you'll be glad to know we're approaching a breakthrough as seen at the end of this chapter which is very short. I felt that this part wouldn't work in the last chapter and adding it to the next would take away the cliff hanger moment I intended for...so don't shoot me. **

Chapter 8

The Squad room was a hustle of activity and Olivia wondered what was going on as she sat at her desk. She had not been filled in on what was occurring and she grew more frustrated when Elliot passed her, not paying any attention.

"El…" she said as she grabbed his elbow "What's going on?"

"Missing boy" he said as way of dismissal and Olivia felt her anger flaring. It was exactly 1 week and 2 days since Alex had gone missing and they had been working relentlessly to find her but they had received no leads.

"Liv" Olivia turned her head to see Abbie approaching her

"Why are you not still looking for Alex? Why have you given up searching?" she asked angrily, getting into Abbie's face

"Back off Olivia" Abbie said "We are still looking but we don't have any leads"

Olivia sighed as she sat back down "I'm sorry"

"Benson, go home. Get some sleep, you look like hell" Cragen boomed from the doorway as he watched the scene before him unfold.

Olivia shook her head and stood once again "I'll be in the cribs"

Serena followed the brunette detective, she had been watching quietly, also annoyed that they seemed to have backed off the search.

She pushed open the crib door and gasped as she noticed Olivia pounding the wall with her fist. "Olivia!"

Olivia froze before twirling around and glaring at the blonde "Leave me be, please"

Serena shook her head as she approached the brunette "Liv, I know you're hurting right now but you don't need to take it out on yourself"

"Serena, please. I just need five minutes"

"Would Alex want to see you doing this to yourself?"

"She probably hates me. This is all my fault" Olivia said, her voice cracking as she tried to fight the tears

Serena shook her head as she pulled the brunette into her arms, holding tight when the stronger woman tried to struggle "Shh. Liv, Alex loves you. She said so herself"

"How can she? He's raping her because of me"

"No. This is not your fault Olivia" Serena said firmly, her voice wavering as she too fought the tears back. She couldn't clear her head of the images of Alex being raped, and the pleading look she had seen in her best friends eyes.

"Who's the missing boy?" Olivia asked. She didn't particularly want to know but she had to concentrate on something else or she'd end up going crazy.

"Nate Hewitt, 14. Last seen on Tuesday by his Mom and Step-Dad playing out with a group of mates, Fin and Munch have just gone to speak to one of them who they hadn't been able to contact. A street kid goes by the name of Pete"

Olivia nodded before falling silent. The two women didn't really know what to say to each other, both of them lost in their own thoughts, trying to stay positive that Alex would be found but finding it increasingly difficult as time wore on.

"Serena, Olivia!"

The two women both jumped at the sound of Abbie's voice calling them, and both glanced at each other before dashing out of the cribs.

Abbie was standing at the bottom of the stairs, a smile on her lips as she told them "We think we know where Alex is"

**Next Chapter up sometime tomorrow. I promise. Won't leave you hanging too long. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay so here we go, as promised Chapter 9! And you'll be pleased to see that this chapter is a little longer than the previous ones and there is no real Trigger Warning, mentions of rape at the beginning but nothing overt. **

**Hope you enjoy. **

Chapter 9

Days had passed since the boys had stumbled upon the abandoned warehouse but Alex was clinging to the hope that she would be found soon. She knew that one of them had escaped, and had thought that the fear of being caught would make the man panic and kill her but she was still alive.

Alex didn't know how, her stomach repeatedly growled for food and she was in constant pain, emotionally and physically. She had felt some reprieve as the man had left her alone for the first time in what seemed like years. She had completely lost all sense of time and didn't know how long she had been held captive.

Since she had seen the teenage boys Alex had been tortured constantly, her captor had alternated between leaving her under the cold spray of water for hours, shocking her body constantly and raping her until she blacked out. The times she would orgasm were the worst and it seemed he would use this as his goal before he left her alone.

Alex had not spoken to her captor since he had choked her into unconsciousness and she barely made a sound when he raped her, cutting herself off from reality seemed to be the only way she could gain some control. She was also very aware that he could choose to kill her whenever he wished and she didn't want to give him anymore ammunition.

She had almost given up hope of being found when she heard shouting and the sound of gunshots. She closed her eyes to block out the sound, thinking that someone else had stumbled across the warehouse and been killed. But her heart began hammering in her chest when she heard the voice she had thought she'd never hear again.

"Alex?"

Alex blinked open her eyes and backed away as a hand reached towards her. Part of her knew she was now safe but the part of her that had learnt to fear everything made her tense and recoil from any physical touch.

"Hey Al, it's me" the voice said gently and Alex tried to speak but her mind was hazy and her throat closed involuntarily.

She managed to mouth the word she wanted to say so badly "Liv"

Olivia felt her heart swell at the movement of the blonde's lips and she smiled "Yeah babe, it's me. You're safe now"

Alex blinked as tears rushed to her eyes and she reached out to touch the woman in front of her, but Olivia was pulled from her grasp as a couple of EMT's surrounded the blonde.

Alex closed her eyes, exhaustion overcoming her starved body as she slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

Olivia paced back and forth in the family room at Bellevue ER as she waited for news on Alex. Serena was sitting beside her, also anxiously awaiting news. Alex had been rushed into theatre with internal bleeding as soon as she had arrived; she had not awoken in the ambulance and Olivia was worried that she'd lose Alex when they'd just rescued her.

Abbie was still at the station watching Fin and Elliot interview Carlson Waverly. Seeing the sick man again had awakened anger Abbie didn't know she was capable of feeling. She had always thought he had deserved more time for his crime 6 years ago but had not for one moment thought he would strike again. She vaguely remembered him threatening Olivia but hadn't thought anything of it at the time, he was going to prison and that was the end or so she had thought.

"Liv, come and sit down"

"I can't. What if she dies Re?" Olivia said as she stopped pacing and turned to the blonde. She saw that Serena was barely holding it together herself and shook her head, hating that she was being selfish and forgetting that the blonde had known Alex for longer than she had. "Sorry"

Serena nodded as she tried to smile a little "We have to hang on to the little bit of hope we have Olivia. Alex is a fighter, she's survived this long, and she's not giving up now"

"Did she fight him?" Olivia asked, causing Serena to raise her brow in question "When he raped her on the video, did she fight then?"

Serena swallowed and shook her head "He'd beaten her badly; I don't think she had the energy"

"Did she cry?"

Serena shook her head again, as much as she didn't want to talk about it she knew that Olivia needed to know "No. She was staring at the camera the whole time though" she whispered before sobbing as she recalled what she had seen.

Olivia sat beside the blonde and pulled her into her arms, her own tears falling along her cheeks. Both women took comfort in each other as they continued to wait for news on Alex.

A short time later, Serena shook Olivia who had fallen asleep beside her as a doctor entered the room "Liv, the doctor's here"

Olivia opened her eyes and looked up at the man in the white coat. "Family of Miss Cabot"

Olivia and Serena nodded and the blonde replied "I'm Serena, a friend and this is her girlfriend Detective Benson"

The doctor smiled warmly "Miss Cabot is doing well. She had some internal bleeding and it was touch and go throughout surgery but we managed to stop it and she's doing well. She has a couple of cracked ribs and a fractured wrist but all her other injuries are superficial, bruising and shallow lacerations. She should make a full recovery"

Serena breathed a sigh of relief, glad that her friend was going to be okay.

"Did you do a rape kit?" Olivia asked, switching into cop mode to avoid breaking down in front of the doctor

The doctor nodded "She has extensive bruising on her thighs and genitalia. The rape kit was negative for fluids but there is vaginal trauma"

Olivia felt her heart break knowing that there were no fluids. That was crucial to the investigation, and she knew without hardcore evidence it was almost impossible to prove that Carlson had raped the blonde.

"Can we see her?"

The doctor nodded as he smiled "Of course. I'd like to keep her in overnight as a precaution but providing there are no complications, she should be released tomorrow"

Olivia and Serena thanked the doctor before following him out of the family room and down the corridor. He stopped at a door and turned to the women "I trust I don't have to tell you to go gentle. Miss Cabot has been through a lot of psychological trauma"

"We understand. I'm a detective with Manhattan Special Victims" Olivia explained as Serena gripped her hand

Olivia pushed open the door and both she and Serena entered the room quietly "Alex"

The blonde in the bed turned at the sound of her name, tears were streaming down her cheeks but she wasn't making any sound. Serena had to hold back a gasp as she took in the sight before her. Alex's left eye was swollen and a purplish bruise covered most of her left cheek. She had a split lip which was beginning to bruise. The sheet covering her body was pulled up to her shoulders and Serena could make out ligature marks around her throat.

"Hi Alex" Serena said gently, approaching the bed "How are you feeling?"

Alex didn't respond, she just stared at Serena, as if she wasn't really seeing her. Serena smiled sadly and reached out to the blonde, causing Alex to flinch and back away.

Olivia touched Serena's shoulder and said quietly "Don't try and touch her"

Serena nodded and took a couple of steps back before sitting down in the seat beside the bed. Olivia approached Alex gently and smiled "Hey"

Alex looked up and a small smile played on her lips, it didn't form but for Olivia it was enough.

Alex closed her eyes, and grimaced in pain. The action was seen by the brunette who asked quietly "Are you in pain Alex?"

The blonde nodded, her eyes still closed. Serena stood from the chair "I'll go and get the doctor"

Olivia nodded and watched the blonde leave the room, when she had gone, she turned back to Alex and said "I love you Alexandra"

The blonde opened her eyes and then closed them again as she began to sob quietly into the pillow. Olivia wanted to comfort her girlfriend but she knew that any physical touch that wasn't expected would startle the frightened woman "Can I hold your hand Alex?" she asked gently

The blonde didn't respond, her sobbing intensifying and Olivia didn't want to distress her further "It's okay, I'm here when you're ready"

A few minutes later Serena returned with a doctor in tow. Alex opened her eyes at the sound of the door and her eyes widened as she pushed herself backwards on the bed shaking her head frantically.

Olivia glanced at the doctor, realising that it was his gender that was frightening the blonde "Is there a female doctor that could assess her?"

The doctor furrowed his brows and then nodded as recognition flashed across his features. He exited the room and Olivia approached the blonde "You're okay Alex. A female doctor's going to come, would that be better?"

Alex nodded as she tried to move herself back to the center of the bed but cried out as it proved too painful.

"Hey, take it easy babe" Olivia soothed in a gentle tone as she looked over her shoulder at the blonde who was still standing by the door, tears dripping down her cheeks after witnessing Alex's terror

Serena wiped her eyes and approached the blonde "I'm sorry Alex, I didn't think"

Alex didn't respond, instead she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath. Serena sat down in the chair once again, trying not to let Alex's lack of communication get to her. She was grateful her friend had Olivia, but part of her wanted Alex to acknowledge that she was there too.

The door opened a young redheaded doctor poked her head through the door "Hey. I'm Doctor Hampton. Doctor Avery said you'd prefer a female doctor"

Olivia nodded "She's in pain"

The doctor approached "Where's the pain coming from Miss Cabot?" she asked gently

Alex shook her head and whispered "Liv…"

Olivia leant closer to the blonde so she could hear her clearer "What's wrong Al?"

"Go"

Olivia tried not to let her disappointment show, she knew that it would take time for the blonde to recover and open up but she wanted to be there for her in any way possible. She nodded as she took a step back and motioned to Serena to follow her from the room.

"Why did we leave?" Serena asked when they got into the corridor

"Because Alex asked us to"

Serena furrowed her brows and then nodded in understanding, realising that Alex didn't want them to see the other injuries her captor had inflicted on her


	10. Chapter 10

**I wasn't too sure if I'd get this chapter posted today as I have been enjoying the lovely weather we are having in the UK and spending time outside in the pool with my nephews :)**

**Thank you for the lovely reviews, it means so much to me to see that people are enjoying. I hope where I am going with this meets all of your expectations and that you continue reading and reviewing, always brightens my day to get reviews! I have 30 chapters of this story written so far, so it is coming along nicely. **

**This chapter is a slight filler, kind of a route from A to B but I still hope you enjoy. Next Chapter will be up sometime tomorrow, hopefully as early as possible :) **

Chapter 10

Olivia entered the squad room the next morning. She was tired and cranky; she had barely slept during the night, finding the couch in the family room at Bellevue to be uncomfortable. After Alex had asked her and Serena to leave, she had waited for the doctor and had almost lost it when the doctor told her Alex didn't want visitors.

Olivia knew this was part of the process and she tried not to be angry at the blonde as much as it hurt that she was pushing her away. Olivia had refused to leave the hospital though and when Serena had said she was heading out Olivia hadn't responded. She herself was trying to gather her thoughts and work through them, the emotions of the past week catching up on her.

"Olivia? What are you doing here?" Abbie asked as she noticed the brunette sit down at her desk "You should be with Alex"

Olivia shook her head "She doesn't want me there Abbie. I just came to see what was happening here"

Abbie sighed as she sat down beside the older woman "Well, Carlson hasn't really said anything. We've managed to gather some evidence from the warehouse, including the body of Nate Hewitt"

"So Pete was telling the truth?"

"It seems so. He and Nate were playing out with a group of friends when they decided to cut through the woodlands; they came across the seemingly abandoned warehouse where they found Alex. Pete said that she had told them to run but it was too late as Carlson found them. Pete has identified Carlson as the man that shot Nate, so he has been charged with his Murder. There is no concrete proof that he kidnapped Alex though, but both her skin cells and his fingerprints were found on the binds he used to tie her down so we may be able to charge him with forced imprisonment"

"They did a rape kit at the hospital but found no fluids"

Abbie nodded "I can't really give out any other details about what we found Olivia"

"Why?"

"You don't need to have those images in your head. You need to take care of yourself and Alex"

Olivia nodded, while she didn't like not knowing, she understood that Abbie telling her any more would be a breach of the blonde's confidence.

"When she's ready, Alex will tell you"

Olivia didn't hold out much hope for that to be in the near future "Will she have to testify?"

Abbie nodded "I'm afraid so, if we charge him with rape, she'll need to go on the stand because other than the evidence found in the rape kit, there is no proof that he did"

"But she was raped"

"I know Olivia, I saw the video. I saw how she begged for us to help her with her eyes; I saw how she didn't even attempt to fight him, because he'd beaten her over and over. You don't need to tell me" Abbie spat angrily as she struggled to compose herself. During the course of the search and the investigation, the brunette had been a pillar of strength, supporting both Olivia and Serena but her emotions were threatening to spill over now

"Sorry. I'm just tired"

"I know. We all are. Alex is my friend too Olivia"

Olivia nodded as she watched a tear slip from the brunette ADA's eyes and opened her arms, offering comfort "She's going to be okay Abbie"

The younger brunette nodded into Olivia's shoulder as the emotions of the past week caught up with her "I know. I just, if I had pushed for harsher sentencing 6 years ago…"

"No, Abs. This is not your fault, okay. We had no reason to believe he'd reoffend; you did your job and put a guilty man behind bars. Don't blame yourself"

"It could have been Serena. He could have come after her" Abbie said quietly and Olivia nodded. When Elliot asked whether she remembered Carlson and whether it could have been him on the phone, Olivia was angry and part of her had wished it was someone else he had come after but she would never have wanted Abbie and Serena to go through the hell she and Alex had done the last week.

"Isn't Alex coming home today?" Abbie asked the brunette detective trying to change the topic slightly

"Yeah, she's going to stay with me"

"Do you need me to drive you back to the hospital and take you both home?"

"Do you mind?"Olivia asked

"I wouldn't offer if it was a problem Liv. I know you've not been home in nearly 2 weeks, so I know you have no car"

"I've been taking cabs and…" Olivia begins but is halted by the younger brunette's hand

"You don't need to explain to me Olivia"

"Thank you"

* * *

Alex sat stiffly in the wheelchair as Olivia pushed her through the corridor. She hadn't made eye contact with the brunette and Olivia was worried. All of her knowledge and experience with rape victims told her that Alex dissociating was normal but it still didn't help, she wanted Alex to talk to her, to open up a little, to let her in and to stop flinching at any attempt at physical contact.

Olivia sighed as she exited the double doors and made her way over to wear Abbie was waiting in her car. She exited the vehicle as she noticed them approaching "Hey Alex"

The blonde looked up at the voice and managed to whisper "Hi"

Olivia wondered why Alex was responding to Abbie and not her or Serena. She wondered if Alex was deliberately blocking her out and hoped that this wasn't the case.

"Do you need any help?" Abbie asked the blonde

Alex shook her head as she shakily stood from the wheelchair and then said quietly "I may need some help with the seat belt"

Abbie nodded and held the door for the blonde, watching her grimace as she got into the car. She tried to buckle herself in but the heavy cast on her wrist proving to be a hindrance.

"Here, Al" Olivia said as she lent carefully across the blonde, pretending to ignore the involuntary flinch and fixed the seat belt

"Thanks" Alex said quietly as she made eye contact with the brunette for the first time and gave a small smile

"You're welcome" Olivia whispered as she closed the door and walked around the other side.

The journey to Olivia's apartment was quiet but all three occupants of the car were lost in their own thoughts.

Abbie was thinking about the charges she could bring against Carlson Waverly, knowing that Alex would need to make a statement fairly soon and hoping that she would be allowed to take it. She knew that Alex wouldn't feel comfortable with Elliot, Fin or Munch and she didn't think she'd want Olivia to take it either.

Olivia was worried about how she was going to care for Alex's wounds when the blonde didn't seem to want to be touched at all, she also wondered how long she would have to take from work, Cragen already telling her she could have as long as she needed to make sure Alex recovered.

And Alex was trying not to let her mind wander back to the horrifying ordeal. She was trying to block out everything and concentrate on the journey, knowing she was heading to Olivia's and wondering what was going to happen and how she was going to cope. She couldn't believe that nearly 2 weeks ago, she had been looking forward to a date with the brunette and now she barely wanted to be near her, afraid of everything and everyone.


	11. Chapter 11

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER**

**Italics are flashbacks, although I am sure you could work that out. **

Chapter 11

"Would you like a drink Alex? I've only really got some water in the fridge, I haven't really been home" Olivia asked the blonde as she watched her fiddle with the hem of her button down shirt a short time later

Abbie had gotten a call from Elliot calling her back to the station as they had pulled up outside Olivia's apartment, she had helped carry the blonde's wheelchair while Olivia had helped the blonde walk the 2 flights of stairs. Alex had flinched when Olivia first reached out a hand but although she had been tense the entire time, she accepted the help, knowing she wouldn't manage alone. Abbie checked that they were settled before leaving, promising to call later and telling Olivia to call if she was needed.

Alex hadn't spoken since they'd entered the apartment, so Olivia decided she would try to start a conversation or at least get Alex to speak. Alex shook her head in response to Olivia's question and the brunette furrowed her brows in concern

"Are you sure? I could make a quick run to the bodega on the corner and get some milk if you wanted coffee, or I could get some soda or juice" Olivia questioned as she stepped into the living room

"Don't go"

Olivia's heart missed a beat at the blonde's request. It was the first time she had shown any sign of wanting the brunette with her and Olivia was pleased but concerned that Alex didn't want to be left alone

"I'll call Elliot and see if he could drop me some milk and juice and a few other things off a little later. It might be a little too much getting you to do those stairs another two times" Olivia suggested

Alex gave the brunette a small smile and nodded "Yeah, probably"

Olivia approached the blonde and sat down beside her, careful to leave a gap so that Alex was comfortable "Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders a little and then said "You can put something on"

Olivia switched on the television and found an episode of Friends, she settled back into the couch, glancing at Alex out of the corner of her eye.

When the episode had finished Olivia said "Would you like to watch something else?"

Alex didn't respond and when Olivia turned her head, she smiled at the sight of the blonde asleep. She looked a little tense, and Olivia sensed that the position was uncomfortable and would probably not help when the blonde woke.

"Alex" she said gently, not wanting to startle the woman but loud enough to be heard "Alex, honey"

Alex began to rouse, and moved abruptly, causing her to cry out as her eyes flitted around the room before settling on the brunette "Liv?"

"You fell asleep. I thought the position you were in wouldn't be helpful when you woke up"

Alex nodded as she attempted to move but the pain of her sudden movement on awakening had come full throttle and she grimaced

"Do you need your painkillers?" Olivia asked

Alex nodded and Olivia stood to retrieve them from her purse before heading into the kitchen for some water. She would put them in the bathroom cabinet later once the blonde was resting.

"Here you go" she said gently handing them to the blonde who took them obediently before gulping down the water, she hadn't realised how thirsty she actually was.

Olivia took the glass, placing it on the coffee table before asking "Would you like to take a shower?"

Alex's eyes went wide and she shook her head frantically. Her chest began to feel tight and she took a breath only to gasp. Olivia watched the scene unfold before she realised the blonde was having a panic attack.

_The cold water continued to spray down on the naked blonde as Alex trembled and struggled against the restraints. This time her captor had not fastened the chokehold and Alex wasn't sure which was worse. She was exhausted and the water hitting her face made her feel like she was drowning but lowering her head caused the restraints on her wrists to bite further into her skin. _

_She knew this had been the longest he had kept her in this room and she was sure that without reprieve her body would begin to shut down. She was shivering like mad, her teeth chattering inside her head but she refused to cry. _

_Just as she closed her eyes she heard the sound of the door swinging open and crashing against the wall. "Hello my beautiful play thing. I think we're ready for some more fun"_

_Alex refused to open her eyes as she felt herself being freed, she felt his arms pull her towards him and the unmistakable feel of his hardening length against her stomach. _

Not entirely sure what to do, but trying to think back to past victims and what she had read online in the past Olivia crouched down in front of the blonde.

"Alex, look at me. Nothing can hurt you, you're safe here"

The blonde continued to hyperventilate and Olivia could see that she was trembling. Not wanting to add to Alex's distress by initiating physical contact Olivia continued to talk to the blonde in a soothing voice

"There's nothing that's going to hurt you here Alex, you're fine. Take a deep breath for me and let it out slowly. Come on, you can do this"

Olivia continued with this approach until she was certain that Alex was relaxing a little before she held out her hands prompting "Take my hands Alex. Keep breathing and look at me"

The blonde continued breathing in and out slowly, keeping her eyes on the brunette in front of her and then shakily reaching out and taking Olivia's hands in her own.

A short time later Alex removed her hands abruptly, obviously uncomfortable with the close contact and took a heavy breath before her shoulder slumped and she closed her eyes, obviously exhausted.

Olivia moved from the space she had occupied on the floor and sat beside the blonde, she gently touched Alex's shoulder, causing the blonde to jump and then offer a small smile. Olivia wasn't exactly sure what had caused the blonde's panic attack but gathered that the blonde was anxious about taking a shower for some reason.

Alex didn't want to talk about what had happened while she had been in the warehouse but she was aware that Olivia would not know what things could be triggering.

Olivia wrapped her arm tentatively around the blonde's shoulders, noticing she was still trembling slightly but not wanting to draw attention to it. She brushed away a strand of the blonde's hair that had fallen in front of her face and Alex smiled slightly at the action.

"Thanks" she whispered but pulled away from the brunette's comfort

Olivia wasn't sure whether she was being thanked for moving the strand of hair or for helping the blonde through the panic attack but either way she was grateful to be of some help and smiled back at the blonde whose eyes were shining with tears.

"I love you Alex, we're going to get through this together. You're safe now"

Alex didn't respond as a tear slid along her cheek and when Olivia reached out a hand she shook her head and said quietly "I'm going to lie down"

Olivia nodded and watched as Alex shakily stood from the couch and using the crutch given to aid her made her way out of the living room. Olivia knew the blonde needed her space but it didn't stop a tear from rolling down her cheek as she heard the telltale squeak of the door to the spare room.


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews. Keep them coming. I was unable to post yesterday, just a very busy day with some family over but I hope this chapter makes up for that. **

**A nicer, calmer chapter for you. **

**Hope to get the next one up tomorrow :) **

Chapter 12

Elliot had dropped some supplies in later that evening, but hadn't stayed, he could sense that Olivia was worried about Alex getting scared of a male presence so quietly made sure he hadn't forgotten anything and asked Olivia to call if she needed anything.

Olivia checked on Alex before she went to bed, she was concerned to see that Alex had changed into her pyjamas, wondering how much pain it had caused to do it unaided but relieved that the blonde was asleep.

In the early hours Olivia woke to terrifying screams, she went to grab her gun but realised that it was Alex having a nightmare; quietly making her way down the hall she steadied her breathing, knowing that she needed to remain calm for the blonde. Alex had brought herself out of the nightmare but was visibly shaking as she sat upright, her gaze fixed on the wall ahead.

"Alex?" Olivia questioned, not wanting to startle the visibly shaken woman but wanting to check that she was okay to enter

Alex didn't respond, the only indication given that she had heard the brunette was a slight glance in the direction of the door

"Do you want me to come in?"

Alex blinked and looked towards the window, she sighed and then nodded slightly, if Olivia hadn't been intently watching, she may have missed the movement.

Olivia approached gently and walked in front of the blonde's eye line "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head still looking towards the window.

"What can I do to help?"

"Hold me" Alex whispered finally making eye contact with the brunette, tears brimming in her eyes

Olivia sat beside the blonde and gently pulled her close, careful not to distress the blonde's injuries or make her uncomfortable "Is this okay?" she asked

Alex nodded before the damn burst and she sobbed into the brunette's shoulder, she had curled her hand around Olivia's nightshirt and was gripping it with her fist. Every now and again Alex would take a deep breath before she began sobbing again, Olivia soothed the blonde gently, but she didn't know how much help it was doing, she felt as if telling Alex it was okay was a little silly when it obviously wasn't.

After what seemed like hours Alex pulled away, her eyes were red and her cheeks stained with tears."Sorry"

"Don't apologise, you don't need to. I'm here for you okay, I want to be, you don't have to apologise for anything"

Alex didn't respond, she just sniffled slightly before sighing. Olivia touched her shoulder gently and Alex flinched before shaking her head "I'm okay"

"How about I go get a washcloth for you?" Olivia offered as she stood and the blonde nodded solemnly

Olivia returned a few minutes later and gently wiped Alex's cheeks, smiling as the blonde leant towards the touch, taking some comfort in it. Once she was feeling fresher, Olivia suggested Alex try and get a little more sleep.

"Stay"

Olivia nodded as Alex settled back under the covers "I'll stay till you fall asleep"

"Don't leave. Sleep with me"

Olivia wanted to ask Alex if she was sure but didn't want the blonde to change her mind, she climbed in, leaving some distance between them but smiled when Alex scooted closer and grabbed her hand.

Both women drifted off to sleep almost immediately.

* * *

Olivia woke at around 7am the next morning. She noticed Alex had moved further away from her and that she was no longer holding her hand, she wondered if the blonde had woken and felt ashamed for breaking down but hoped that wasn't the case.

Not wanting to wake Alex but knowing she wouldn't get back to sleep Olivia carefully removed herself from the bed and headed into the living room. Switching on the TV low, Olivia found an early morning chat show and curled up on the couch.

Sometime during the show she must have fallen asleep as she woke to her cell ringing, grabbing it before it woke Alex, she pressed the answer button "Benson"

"Hey Liv, its Abbie"

"What time do you call this?"

"Almost 10am, did I wake you?"

Olivia rubbed her eyes, glancing at the clock and looking towards the hall, wondering if Alex had woken "Yeah, we had a bit of a rough night"

"How is she?"

"Still asleep I think. She's as well as to be expected. She had a panic attack and kind of withdrew yesterday afternoon but she woke with a nightmare and asked me to hold her"

"That's good Liv, it's going to be hard on you both but don't give up"

"I know" Olivia replied quietly before she realised that the brunette on the line obviously called for a reason "So to what do I owe the pleasure of being woken by you?"

"I need to take Alex's statement. I know you think it's too soon but it needs to be done as quickly as possible"

Olivia sighed, knowing that this was going to happen sooner than later but wishing that it didn't have to be done at all "I know. Go easy on her Abbie"

"I'll be over after lunch, okay"

"Yeah. Thanks Abs"

Olivia ended the call, sighing. She was worried about how this would affect the blonde but she knew that it was something that needed to be done, she was glad that Abbie would be taking the statement, but wished it could have been her.

Getting up from the couch Olivia went into the kitchen where she put a pot of coffee on to boil and put some bread into the toaster before she went to wake the blonde.

She smiled at the sight of Alex sprawled across the bed, obviously having moved since Olivia had gotten up. Her blonde hair was fanned out across the bed, although it was dirty and knotted. Olivia decided she'd tackle that today, although she was aware of Alex's reluctance to taking a shower.

"Alex" she said gently as she approached the bed, she didn't want to touch the blonde in case it freaked her out, so she knelt down beside the bed before repeating "Alex honey, it's time to get up"

Alex stirred, mumbling to herself before she blinked open her eyes. She sat up, her eyes darting around the room and when they fell on Olivia she sighed and gave a small smile "Hi"

"Morning. There's a batch of coffee boiling and I'm doing some toast for breakfast"

Alex nodded as she sat up; she furrowed her brows as she brushed her hair back with her hand "I need to wash it"

Olivia smiled, relieved that Alex seemed a little more relaxed this morning "How about you come have something to eat and then I'll run you a bath"

"That'd be nice" Alex said before grimacing "I need to take my medication too"

"Is it bad?" Olivia asked gently

"Not really. Just a bit stiff from sleep" Alex said

"I'll get you some, I'll be in the kitchen" the brunette said as she stood from where she had been kneeling and left the room while Alex got up.

A few minutes later Alex joined Olivia in the kitchen, she took her medication, thanking the brunette and taking a seat at the small table, she was obviously in pain but Olivia didn't want to draw too much attention to it.

Olivia plated up some toast and set it in front of the blonde before pouring two mugs of coffee and sitting opposite with her own slice of toast.

"Abbie's going to come after lunch" Olivia said gently, unsure of how Alex would respond

"To take my statement" Alex finished with a small smile "Its okay Olivia, you don't have to worry I'm going to break"

Olivia chuckled lightly before turning serious "I don't want to upset you"

Alex nodded before sighing as she pushed her plate away "I don't want you there when I give my statement"

Olivia had suspected that Alex would not want her there but it didn't stop the disappointment she felt. She nodded "I respect that, I don't like it but I understand"

"I will tell you, when I'm ready"

"I'm here, okay. I'm not going anywhere ever, I love you" Olivia told the blonde as she cleared the table. She decided to leave the washing up, she'd do it while Abbie was taking Alex's statement, knowing she would need to occupy herself but not wanting to leave the apartment in case she was needed.

"How about you go and rest on the couch and I'll run you a bath, is that okay?"

Alex nodded as she stood "Yeah. Can you make sure it's warm?"

Olivia furrowed her brows but nodded, not wanting to question anything Alex asked for before heading into the bathroom.

She was a little worried about how Alex would manage washing her hair and getting in and out of the bath but knew she wouldn't be welcome help as Alex wasn't comfortable with showing her injuries.

Olivia ran the bath, checking it was warm but not too hot before she left shampoo, body wash, washcloths and towels in reach of the bath

"Alex" she called from the doorway "Bath's ready"

"Thanks" Alex responded as she headed into the bathroom, passing the brunette "Liv…"

"I know. If you need help Alex, call me. I won't look if you ask but don't struggle unnecessarily" Olivia said gently, resting a hand on Alex's shoulder

Alex nodded before her eyes widened, she took a deep breath and headed over to the bath, turning the taps which were dripping. Olivia watched, wondering what had unnerved the blonde but was relieved that Alex seemed to have avoided a panic attack or flashback.

She smiled at the blonde before leaving the bathroom, closing the door softly as she did so.


	13. Chapter 13

**Unfortunately this is quite a short chapter. My apologies, it's just the way it turned out, but if you're lucky, I might post the next chapter later on today.**

**Thanks for all your reviews**

Chapter 13 

Alex emerged looking much fresher than she had done, her hair was wet but tied back into a loose ponytail and Olivia thought she looked beautiful. She was wearing a tight white t-shirt and judging by the prominence of her jutting nipples, no bra, she had loose grey jogging bottoms on and no socks.

"Do you feel better" Olivia asked looking up from the couch

Alex nodded before looking down at her feet and holding up a pair of socks "I couldn't get these on"

"Cracked ribs are a bitch"

Alex gave a small chuckle as she lowered herself onto the couch beside the brunette.

"I think I might have some slippers somewhere, would you prefer them? Might be easier on you" Olivia suggested knowing Alex had always hated asking for help and that she wouldn't start now.

"Thank you" Alex said sincerely as she nodded, dropping the socks onto the floor "I'll move them later"

"I'll do it" Olivia said softly, picking them up and heading into her bedroom.

* * *

"You okay?"

Alex jumped at the unexpected voice, her heart pounding as she quickly wiped the tears that had started to fall "Yeah"

"You don't need to lie to me Alex"

"I'm scared"

"Alex, I know this is hard and I know you really don't want to do this but you know it's important"

The blonde nodded "I get it. I know that without my statement, without testifying the chances of him getting convicted are…who is he Olivia?"

"His name is Carlson Waverly"

"He kept talking about you" Alex almost whispered, she didn't want to give details but she had questions she knew Olivia could answer.

Olivia sat beside the blonde, taking a steadying breath, she didn't want to have to explain this to Alex, she felt guilty enough but if Alex really wanted to know "I arrested him, about 6 years ago. He threatened to come after me but he got sent to prison"

"And instead of coming after you, he came after me" Alex whispered

"Yeah" Olivia replied "Alex, I am so sorry. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore, if it would be easier for me to leave…"

"It would be easier" Alex said quietly

Olivia nodded as she fought back the tears and stood from the couch, she didn't expect to feel Alex's hand wrap around her wrist and pull her back down.

"It would be easier, but I don't want you to leave. I don't blame you Olivia; you could never have anticipated this happening. We're both in tough jobs, and we face the worst kind of people but we know the risks, I know the risks…I love you Liv…I need you"

Alex's words broke the dam that Olivia had been holding since Alex came home from the hospital and she began to cry quietly. Alex carefully pulled Olivia closer, a little apprehensive but wanting to comfort to the brunette in some way and placed a soft kiss to her cheek.

Olivia buried her head into the blonde's shoulder inhaling the scent of coconut and peach body wash but pulled back when she felt Alex tense against her, she searched the blonde's eyes and was relieved when Alex smiles "Sorry"

"Hey, don't apologise" Olivia chastised as she wiped her eyes, offering her own small smile

"You okay?"

Olivia nodded before she took a deep breath "I love you too"

"Olivia, I mean it…I do love you. I wanted to tell you before all this happened…I was planning everything on the way over to your apartment and then…this happened"

"Alex, I'm not going anywhere, not unless you ask me to. As long as you need me, I'm here"

"But what if I can't…what if you get fed up with me? I…"

"I'll never get fed up with you Alex, I know this won't be easy but I'm committed, I want to be here. I love you, that won't ever change"

Alex smiled at the brunette's words as she hesitantly pulled Olivia closer to her, trying to initiate some contact to ward off the memories and trying to find something familiar she could cling to.

"What would you like to do until Abbie comes?" Olivia asked after a short while, not wanting to move out of the blonde's arms

"Can we talk?" Alex whispered hesitantly

"You can talk whenever you're ready, I'll listen" Olivia answered gently, smiling at the blonde who seems to have tightened her grip

"Don't leave me"

"Al, I promise you, I'm not going anywhere"

"I mean when Abbie comes" Alex said firmly as she looks at the brunette

"Are you sure?"

Alex nodded as her grip loosens a little "But there are some rules"

Olivia knew that this would be hard for them both and she's wasn't completely certain that this was the right thing for them both but if Alex wanted her there, she'd be there and she'd do whatever the blonde asked

"You have to stay quiet. Don't ask questions. If I have a flashback I need you to help me out of it and don't press me, okay?"

"Okay. Alex, are you sure?"

"I don't know Liv. Can you handle this?"

Olivia nodded "I know it's going to be hard for us both but, I want to be there for you, anyway you need me to be"

"I love you Olivia"

"I love you too Alex, so much. I'm here, okay?"

"Thank you"

Olivia knew she shouldn't but she couldn't resist leaning in to place a gentle kiss on the blonde's lips. Alex tensed causing Olivia to be worried that she'd messed up but slowly Alex relaxed into the kiss, seeking more from the brunette.

"I'm scared" Alex whispered as they broke apart

"That's okay"

"I'm scared that you'll leave if I can't…you know with you"

Olivia shook her head, feeling guilty about seemingly taking advantage "I'm sorry Alex, I shouldn't have done that…"

"Shh Liv, its okay. I wanted that, I needed that and I might get anxious and tense but…"

"We'll go slow okay, your pace. You are in control here Alex. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready for, I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise Olivia, you have no reason to"

"I love you"

"I know. I love you too" Alex whispered as tears begin to fall along her cheeks. She knew it would be the hardest thing she has ever had to do but it's only Abbie, they've known each other for years and Olivia was there.


	14. Chapter 14

**As I promised, here is the next chapter.**

**You guys are awesome, thank you for the lovely reviews and kind words. I am really pleased that those that are reading are enjoying. I just want you to know that I appreciate it.**

**There will be some good moments and Alex is letting Olivia in but as in all recoveries things are going to get worse before they get better and there will be some twists and turns in future chapters, some of you may see them coming and some of them may surprise you but I hope you continue along with me for the ride.**

**TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter. **

**Italics are flashbacks, as I'm sure you know.**

Chapter 14

"Hey" Alex said quietly as Abbie enters the living room, although she can't quite bring herself to make eye contact with the brunette. Neither woman had eaten lunch, Alex suggesting that they wait until afterwards, not wanting to bring anything back up if she got too worked up.

Olivia took a seat next to the blonde, offering her hand which Alex accepted gratefully. Abbie smiled at the interaction, pleased that Alex is allowing comfort. She was a little worried about taking Alex's statement, not sure she was equipped to deal with flashbacks so was relieved that Olivia was there.

"Hey, I'm here" Olivia whispered, lifting her hand to wipe at the tears that had fallen from Alex's eyes

"I don't want to do this"

"I know" Olivia soothed "But you have to"

"We can take as long as you want Alex" Abbie told the blonde, wanting her to feel as comfortable as possible "You tell me what you need"

"Can I just have a minute on my own?" Alex asked, looking up at Abbie and then to Olivia

Both brunettes were a little uncertain, but both nod, having already told Alex she was in control. Olivia stood up, placing a chaste kiss to the blonde's temple before motioning to Abbie to follow her.

Olivia offered the younger brunette a drink but Abbie declined, although she did suggest that Olivia bring a glass of water for the blonde. While she had told Alex they'd take as long as she needed, she also wanted to get this done quickly so she could start proceedings in front of the judge.

Olivia and Abbie waited for about 10 minutes and Olivia was about to check on the blonde when she appeared at the door "I'm ready"

Abbie and Olivia nodded as they followed Alex back to the living room. The blonde sat stiffly on the couch and Olivia sat next to her, not wanting to crowd the woman but needing to be there for support.

"Alex, can you tell me about the events of Friday the 17th of May?"

"I came home from work and began getting ready for a date with Liv, Um, Olivia Benson, my girlfriend. I was running late as usual. I left my apartment at about ten past seven. There was a lot of traffic so I turned off Park Avenue into East 96th, I heard an engine roaring and I saw an SUV, black behind me. I accelerated but I was cut off by another SUV, also black. I didn't see the plates; I was looking at the men approaching. I…saw a gun and then that's it. I didn't even try and fight, I was so scared"

"You were drugged with Chloroform" Abbie explained, although Alex had already guessed that

"I woke up in a van. I was moving. There was a man in the car, he kissed me" Alex shivered at the memory, trying not to slip back into them "I was pulled from the car and another guy was there"

"Can you describe these men?" Abbie asked, scribbling away in the notebook on her lap

Alex shook her head "They had masks on. One of them was bigger than the other. He smelt of whiskey and cigarette smoke"

Olivia watched as Alex features conformed into a frown and her breathing began to get heavier

_Alex opened her eyes and squinted to gain focus. She could smell cigarette smoke and she found the source when her eyes settled on the bigger of the two men sitting in front of her. She had been tied down again; she struggled weakly against the binds for no reason but to tell herself she wasn't giving up._

_The man chuckled as she stroked the skin across her abdomen "You still haven't learnt have you?"_

_Alex closed her eyes, earning a slap to her cheek. She didn't yell out, or allow herself to cry, it didn't sting anymore. She was becoming numb to the pain. She felt another slap to her cheek as he gritted through his teeth_

_"Answer me bitch"_

_Alex refused to respond, she had been mute for the last 24 hours, refusing to speak, give him any ammunition, and it seemed to be working, but now he was getting angry, he was getting irritable. Her fighting spirit had gone and he wasn't getting aroused as easily by the now placid blonde. Wanting to see her struggle, needing to see her fight to gain an erection he slapped her harder and harder, but Alex refused to give him satisfaction. _

_Yet Alex couldn't help but cry out when she felt the butt of the cigarette burn her upper thighs, she jerked in response, letting out a yelp, he chuckled and repeated the action, before drawing in a breath at the tears falling from her cheeks. _

_He grabbed his manhood through his pants, rubbing its hardening length with a satisfied smirk on his lips as he continued to push the cigarette into her alabaster skin, marring it with new and unique marks._

"Alex" Abbie said as she crouched in front of the blonde "Come back to us"

Alex shook, tears falling along her cheeks, causing the younger brunette to glance worriedly at Olivia. "Liv…"

Olivia nodded as Abbie stood and retreated back to the armchair she had been in before Alex had begun her flashback. Olivia crawled from the couch, kneeling in front of Alex and offering her hands "It's okay Alex, I'm here. You're safe"

Abbie watched as Olivia soothed the blonde, and after a few minutes Alex had calmed considerably, she had lent into the brunette's touch and Olivia was rocking her gently.

"He burnt me" Alex whispered, as she ran her hands along her thighs, flinching slightly as the tears continued to fall

"It's okay" Abbie soothed "Take your time"

Alex shook her head "I can't. Abbie, I can't do this, please. Don't make me do this"

"Alex…"

"I can't…Abbie I can't. Olivia, please, don't make me relieve this again, I can't"

Olivia pleaded using her eyes with the younger brunette who eventually relented and nodded "Alex, I'll be back tomorrow"

Alex didn't respond, and Olivia was worried about the blonde's mental state.

"Abs, can I have a word?"

Abbie nodded as they left the room. Alex was staring at a spot on the wall, the tears still falling but she wasn't aware of the other two women leaving.

"Abs, look at her. She can't do this. It's going to kill her"

"Olivia, she has to"

"No. Abbie, he's being arraigned for Murder, if he's found guilty, and he will be, he'll go to prison for life"

"But he has to pay"

"And he will, in prison. The only thing that this trial will achieve is breaking Alex, she can't do this Abbie. I am worried about her, and I know usually I would suggest that victims face their abuser in court but Abbie, don't make her do this. There is only her word against his in this trial, if he gets off, it'll do nothing but hurt her"

"Olivia"

"Please Abbie"

"I'll talk to Liz, but I think he needs to go to trial for this"

"Does he look like confessing?" Olivia asked

Abbie shook his head "He's adamant that nothing happened"

"Look, come back tomorrow but if Alex really can't do this Abbie, don't force her please. She's a mess and I just want to get her better"


	15. Chapter 15

**Your reviews really do wonders for my soul. **

**I love all your thoughts and ideas on what's going to happen, although let me remind you that I have written over 30 chapters now, and I am following a plan set out by Wheelie91 although he did give me free reign to add what I wanted as long as I kept with his plot. **

**No real trigger warning here but as always, its a sensitive subject so please be careful reading. **

Chapter 15

Alex hadn't spoken since Abbie had left and Olivia was worried. She'd tried to comfort the blonde but Alex had flinched at any contact and she tensed whenever Olivia came within a foot of her.

She refused to eat and refused to talk and Olivia didn't know what to do. She'd text Abbie asking for help and then called Serena but all they could offer was to listen and told her to give the blonde time. She knew that Alex just needed her to be there for when she was ready but still, she wanted to do more. She'd washed up, and tidied a little, glad that she and Alex weren't sloppy teenagers and that it was a fairly quick job.

Alex laid stiffly on her bed, eyes screwed shut, trying to recall a happy memory but she kept seeing his face inches from hers and her eyes flew open. She breathed heavily as she rolled onto her side, grimacing in pain but refusing to ask Olivia for her medication. She knew that the brunette was concerned but she didn't want to talk, and while she knew Olivia would never hurt her, she couldn't help her reactions to the proximity of the brunette.

She could hear the brunette sobbing but couldn't bring herself to move, and she knew Olivia was in the bathroom, possibly taking a shower and the whole thought of running water frightened her. She hated that she had had a flashback so early into giving her statement and that she couldn't continue. She didn't want to, she wanted to forget everything and put it behind her. She had heard Abbie and Olivia talking about the young boy that Carlson had killed and knew that he would be going away for murder, why did she need to testify what he did to her when it wouldn't do anything but put it on his record?

Alex groaned loudly in pain as she woke and barely registered Olivia sitting beside her offering her medication. She looked up when she felt the brunette brush away her hair from her forehead "Alex, you're really warm"

"It hurts" Alex murmured much to Olivia's relief

"I know"

"You were crying" Alex said, more a statement than a question

"I'm okay" Olivia said with a smile "You were having a nightmare"

Alex furrowed her brows as she swallowed the pills "I don't remember"

Olivia wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not, but didn't want to scare the blonde, she was just happy to be able to offer some comfort.

"It's getting dark, are you hungry?"

Alex shook her head "Not really"

"You need to eat Alex" Olivia admonished, shaking her head "Making yourself sick like this won't help you get better"

"I'm not hungry" Alex said thickly, tears rushing to her eyes "I can't eat, I can't sleep without seeing him, and I…I hate this"

Olivia watched as Alex broke down, her whole body shaking as she began rocking herself in a ball. She was breathing heavily, almost struggling to get air into her lungs and Olivia knew that Alex needed professional help. She knew she couldn't be enough for the blonde.

* * *

Abbie watched the blonde in front of her. It was 9am the next morning and Olivia had gone down to the precinct to see if George Huang could meet with her. She needed to get Alex to talk to someone, because she feared she wasn't going to be enough. She had barely slept out of worry, and she knew that Alex wasn't sleeping either; she only hoped that the blonde wouldn't hate her for this.

Abbie continued watching Alex, who was aware of the eyes on her but lost in her own thoughts. Abbie had come over hoping to get a little more from the blonde. She had spoken to Liz and the judge in her had told Abbie to push for the statement while the Godmother in her told her to be gentle and not cause her too much distress. However, Alex had refused so far to answer any questions and Abbie was uncertain what to do now.

Sighing, she dialed Serena's number and when she answered Abbie had to keep from sobbing out loud "Re…"

"Abbie? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I mean, I'm fine. I'm with Alex, at Liv's. Can you come over?"

"Of course" Serena replied, before Abbie ended the call, looking back at the blonde who hadn't moved, her eyes still fixated out of the window

Nearly 20 minutes later Serena knocked on the apartment door, and seconds later it flung open to reveal a distressed and teary eyed brunette.

"Abs?"

Abbie smiled wearily as she allowed Serena to enter. They entered the kitchen, where Alex was still sitting. "How is she?"

Abbie shrugged "She won't talk. She hasn't moved since Olivia left over 2 hours ago"

Serena nodded as she approached the blonde "Alex?"

Alex blinked and turned her head a little, Serena held back her emotions as piercing blue eyes swam with unshed tears but all three women couldn't stop the tears from falling as Alex flung her arms around her best friend.

As she did so, Abbie had to hold in a gasp as Alex's sleeve rode up revealing an array of gashes across the skin. Abbie had familiarised herself with the blonde's injuries, giving her starting points for conversations and she knew there to be no cuts like this from the ordeal.

Not wanting to believe what her heart was telling her and cause the hostility and silence to return, Abbie allowed the two women to seek comfort from each other, quietly vowing to talk to Serena and Olivia about what she had seen.

* * *

"I don't know what to do George" Olivia said with a sigh as she sat down on the couch in the man's office. George had become a good friend, and if Olivia trusted anyone with her concerns, it was him.

"You're doing everything right Olivia, it's just going to take time and it will be hard for you both"

"I'm worried about her. She won't eat, and she hasn't spoken to me since last night and even then that wasn't really much. I am terrified this is breaking her George, she needs to talk to someone"

"So do you"

"I'm okay"

George smiled, that was Olivia, always putting everyone else first but he knew that if she didn't open up as well then it was going to be harmful to their relationship.

"I know you are Olivia, but you're not sleeping well, I can see that. You have to take care of yourself too. You've been through it as well; it's not just Alex that needs support"

"I wasn't kidnapped and raped and god knows else what George"

"No you weren't but you're still human. Olivia, I want you to go to see Doctor Harrington, if only for a few sessions, just to talk things through. I'll come over to see Alex later"

Olivia nodded her thanks as she stood and hugged the man. She left, hoping that she had made the right decision and not caused any more problems between herself and Alex.


	16. Chapter 16

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of Self-Harm**

**I wanted Abbie and Serena to have a background story, especially as they have a big role in this story and Alex's recovery, so that's partly what this chapter deals with. **

**May not get the next chapter up until Monday as no internet for a couple of days. **

Chapter 16

Abbie steadied herself as she looked at the two women standing in front of her, they were both a little uneasy with the way Abbie had been acting over the last half an hour and now that Alex had retired to her room and seemingly gone to sleep, they wanted to know what was going on

"Abbie, talk to me" Serena commanded worriedly

"Alex is cutting herself" Abbie said before she could think about what she was saying and how

Olivia gasped as did Serena and then the brunette shook her head "Alex wouldn't…"

"I saw the cuts" Abbie said taking a much needed breath "When she wrapped her arms around you Re, her sleeve rode up"

"He did a lot of things to her" Olivia reasoned but she could see how serious Abbie was, and how much the younger brunette was telling the truth

"I saw the photos of her injuries, Liv. There were no lacerations to either of her arms"

"Are you sure?" Serena asked, she didn't doubt Abbie but she knew that Olivia needed to know everything

Abbie nodded "Yes. Olivia, he did some awful things to her but I know what self harm looks like"

Olivia gasped as the younger brunette rolled up her sleeves revealing about 30 or so healed scars on each arm. Olivia stepped forward, taking the brunette's hands in her own, tears swimming in her eyes "Oh Abs"

"It was a long time ago, I've made peace with my past Olivia but I don't want to see Alex go down the same road I did. She needs help"

"George is coming to talk to her this evening" Olivia told the two women, trying to get her head round what she had just learnt. The fact that Alex was harming herself was frightening and made her worry but learning that Abbie once self harmed was a shock and she wished she had been there for her.

"I don't need to talk"

All three women jumped at the sound of Alex, they turned and were met with icy blue eyes, anger shone in them.

"Alex…" Olivia began

"No! You don't get to try and condone what you did. Why did you not just ask if I wanted to see someone, why did you go behind my back and get George involved?" Alex raged, before turning to Abbie "And why did you tell them?! Could you not have talked to me yourself, found out what you'd seen, found out why before you just told everyone?"

Serena had seen Alex clenching her fists, she could feel the anger radiating from her best friend and knew she had to calm her down "Ally, how about you and me go and have a chat?"

Alex turned to the blonde and her features softened; tears pooled in her eyes and began to slip along her cheeks. She could see how much she was hurting the three most important people in her life, the people she needed most.

"I'm sorry" she whispered sadly

Olivia smiled as she approached gently; she offered a hand to the blonde who hesitantly took it. Olivia needed to see for herself; carefully she lifted the blonde's sleeve, choking back a sob as she saw 4 huge gashes along the blonde's left arm and a multitude of smaller cuts.

"Oh Alex"

Serena approached and offered her hand, leading the shaky blonde from the room. Olivia and Abbie needed to talk and she needed to make sure that Alex wasn't feeling suicidal. She remembered the struggles she and Abbie had to face as the brunette tried to recover and she recalled coming home to find that Abbie had cut too deep, she would never forget the sight of the brunette lying across the bathroom floor and how terrified she had been.

* * *

"Can you stop looking at me like that?" Alex asked after 10 minutes, she couldn't stand the inquisitive gaze of her best friend.

"Sorry. I'm just worried"

Alex nodded "I'm sorry"

Serena smiled as she scooted closer to the blonde, and sighed in relief when Alex didn't flinch or tense as she wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"Don't apologise for anything, none of this is your fault okay?"

"I'm hurting everyone"

Serena nodded "We're worried about you Alex. Olivia thought she was doing the right thing"

"I don't want to talk to George"

"I know, and I know you don't want to give a statement but Alex, these things will help. You want to get better, right?"

Alex nodded but Serena wasn't convinced and this concerned her "Lex, I need you to be honest with me…"

"No"

"Huh?"

"I know what you're going to ask Re, I'm not suicidal"

Serena let out the breath she had held as she squeezed Alex to her "You need help. I can't watch you hurt yourself"

Alex knew how much pain it had caused Serena to see Abbie suffering, but she didn't know if she was strong enough to deal with it and she didn't want to hurt her friends by admitting the truth.

"I don't know if I can stop"

"Yes, you can. I believe in you Alex but you need to want to"

* * *

"Are you okay?" Abbie asked a little while after Alex and Serena had left the kitchen. She had revealed something she wasn't sure she'd ever want to talk about again, but if it's what Olivia and Alex needed then she would.

Olivia nodded before shaking her head; she swallowed before she finally allowed the tears to fall "Why?"

Abbie wasn't sure what she was asking and didn't want to give anything away without needing to "Why what?"

"Why did you start…?"

"When I was in college I was attacked while walking home…" she began but stopped when Olivia gasped, she shook her head "Liv, I wasn't raped"

"What happened?"

"He touched me up, and was fumbling with the zipper on his jeans when a police car rounded the corner, he ran off"

"Oh Abs"

"It's why I'd never let you bring me to orgasm like that or anyone else but when Serena and I got together…we tried to do stuff, I wanted to try, but I kept freaking out every time she touched me like that. She left"

Olivia was shocked; Serena didn't seem like the type of person to leave when things got tough. Abbie sensed Olivia's question

"I told her to go. I didn't think she would but she thought it was what I needed"

"You started cutting?"

"It wasn't bad, not at first but then…I tried seeing people but every time they'd get close, I'd freak. I missed Serena, she tried calling but I ignored her because I was ashamed. It just escalated"

"And now…"

"I haven't cut in almost 4 years Olivia. I got help because I cut too deep and nearly died" Abbie explained, tears escaping at the memory.

"How?"

Abbie pulled down her sweatpants to show a huge scar on her inner thigh, Olivia gasped as tears rushed to her eyes "Oh"

"Serena found me. She saved me" Abbie explained, pulling up her sweatpants

Abbie and Olivia clung to each other, seeking comfort in what they had shared and learnt. Olivia was worried about Alex but she was glad that she had friends that could support them.


	17. Chapter 17

**I've finally got my internet back, so on with the updates. **

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm at the beginning. **

Chapter 17

Serena and Abbie had left a little under an hour ago, Olivia still hadn't gone into Alex, she was afraid, worried and she still felt incredibly guilty about everything.

"Liv"

Olivia looked up and almost cried at the sight of the blonde holding a blade in her shaky hand, eyes wide with fear as tears cascading along her cheeks.

"Help me"

Olivia jumped from the couch and rushed over to the blonde, prizing the blade from her fingers before crushing her in a tight hug. "I'm here Alex, I'm always here"

"I'm scared"

Olivia pulled back; eyeing the blonde sadly "You're going to be fine; you're going to get through this"

"We're okay, aren't we?" Alex asked, the worry evident in her eyes

Olivia nodded before smiling "We're fine"

"I love you"

"Oh Alex, I love you too"

Alex pulled away from the brunette before she sat down on the couch "I don't know if I can do this"

"Do what Alex?"

"I…I don't know if I can talk to George, the trial…I…"

"You are so strong Alex, and you CAN do this. I know it's hard and I know it won't be easy but I'm here and if I'm not enough, Abbie and Serena are here and Liz has asked when she can come and see you…people love you Alex and you're never going to be alone"

"You can't be here when George…can you?"

"I'll still be in the apartment Alex but you need to talk to him alone"

"I don't know…"

"It's just George, you know him Alex" Olivia reminded the blonde "He's not going to hurt you"

"I know"

"Did you know about Abbie?" Olivia asked, changing the subject. She had realised that lingering on something for too long didn't help Alex, and she needed constant stimulation to stop herself from slipping into memories.

Alex nodded "Yeah, Serena called me when she'd found Abbie…she was hysterical, she screamed at me over and over asking how I didn't see, but no one had, Abbie was so good at hiding it…unlike me"

"Alex, I need to ask. Are you…do you want…have you…?"

"I know what you're asking Olivia. I'm not going to try to off myself, I wouldn't do that to you" Alex said gently, trying to sound convincing

"No Alex, I'm not asking if you will, I'm asking if you are tempted to end your life"

"Seriously? Yes…I've thought it about it the last few days. When I was in that warehouse, when he…I wished he'd kill me sometimes, just put me out of my misery but then I'd think of you and I knew you were still looking for me"

"Alex…"

"I want to be honest with you Olivia, I'm scared. I want to cut; I want to feel something other than this anger at myself, this pain that's in my heart. I want to replace it with real pain I can understand…but I'm scared that maybe I won't stop, that one cut isn't enough. I don't want to hurt you…I don't want to die, but…sometimes it's too much"

Olivia was crying now, hearing Alex talk openly with her about how she was feeling was tearing her apart but she was relieved that the blonde seemed to be making some kind of progress. She hoped that talking to George will help.

"Are you hungry?" Olivia asked a short while later as her stomach growled its signal for food

Alex shook her head but then realised that she was hungry, she was just uncertain if she'd be able to eat "A little"

"How about I do some rice, something light?"

Alex nodded, smiling slightly as Olivia shifted beside her before standing "Thanks"

"Shh, just relax. I'm in the kitchen if you need me, okay?"

* * *

"Hi Olivia, how are you feeling?" George asked the brunette as soon as he'd stepped into the apartment.

"I'm okay"

"Alex?" George questioned, noticing she wasn't in the living room

"She's asleep at the moment, I'll wake her in a minute" Olivia explained, gesturing down the hall "George, don't push her. I know she needs to talk, and I know I asked you to do this but…she's not…I'm just worried"

George nodded "Olivia, I understand. We'll go slowly, but I want to make sure she's not a danger to herself"

Olivia knew he was doing his job and she knew that Alex would most probably hate her afterwards, but this was the right thing, she had to believe that.

Leaving George in the living room, Olivia headed down the hall, knocking on the door to the spare room "Alex, it's me"

"I know" Alex answered "George is here"

Olivia pushed open the door gently, and approached Alex who was sitting on the bed, shaking slightly. "Hey"

"Don't make me do this"

"Alex, this is to help you" Olivia said firmly "You need to do this"

"Please Liv; I can talk to you…I just, he's…Liv…"

Olivia knew Alex was scared, she also knew that some of the fear was because George was a male and Alex hadn't responded well to any male presence since the ordeal.

"It's George. He will not hurt you. I promise…I am going to be in the kitchen, you call me anytime you need a break…"

Alex nodded uncertainly, but allowed Olivia to help her up from the bed, her injuries had improved and she was in considerably less pain that when she came home. She knew that she had blocked it out, trying to cope without the medication for more reasons than one.

George smiled warmly as the two women entered the living room "Hey Alex"

"Hi" Alex managed weakly, her grip on Olivia's hand tightening

"It's okay" Olivia soothed gently, but Alex trembled harder and Olivia wasn't sure this was a good idea any more

"Liv…"

"Shh…just take a breath"

"Stay"

Olivia nodded as she led Alex to the couch; she pulled the blonde gently into her arms "Can I stay for a few minutes George, until she's comfortable?"

Usually George wouldn't recommend it but something told him it was essential in this situation. Alex looked terrified, and George could see the already obvious signs of distress and flashbacks as the blonde began to breathe deeply as if to steady herself.

"Okay"

Olivia sighed in relief and Alex seemed to relax a little beside her, she smiled warmly and then looked at George

"How are you feeling?"

Alex chuckled dryly, but shrugged her shoulders "Okay"

All three occupants of the room knew that was far from the truth but it was early days, they all hoped that in time Alex would be able to say she was 'okay' and mean it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you for the lovely reviews, you're all so kind. **

**TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter.**

**It is a long road and it will get harder, glad you are joining me and our lovely ladies on this journey.**

Chapter 18

They had sat in the living room for over an hour and all they had achieved was Alex whispering "I'm scared"

She had had two flashbacks, and Olivia could see that Alex was really tired and emotionally spent without even revealing anything. George had been patient; he'd tried moving to subjects that Alex could add her input but she hadn't responded at all.

George was concerned, he had seen this behaviour before and he couldn't say that things were going to be okay because he wasn't sure they were at the moment. Alex was withdrawn, she kept fidgeting, fighting tears, and the flashbacks had sent her into a rage that frightened Olivia completely.

Olivia sighed as she realised they wouldn't be getting anywhere today. George smiled at her and motioned for her to follow him from the room.

"George, look at her"

George nodded "Liv, she's in a bad place and I'm concerned about her mental state. Keep an eye on her, and keep encouraging her to talk, even if it's pointless garbage, don't let her slip into herself like she's doing"

"Are you coming back tomorrow?"

George nodded "I want you to call Abbie or Serena and have them stay with you while I talk to Alex; I think I need to push her"

"But…"

"You saw how angry she was, how violent she got after those flashbacks…she's going to get worse and if not controlled, she'll direct it on herself"

"George…"

"I'll be over at 10am"

Olivia nodded as she saw the man out before returning to Alex who was rocking back and forth as she sat in the corner of the room, tears falling silently along her cheeks.

"Alex"

Alex didn't respond, she didn't try to resist when Olivia pulled her to her feet. Olivia asked Alex if it was okay if she helped her get ready for bed but the blonde didn't respond, she made no move to stop Olivia when the brunette helped her out of her clothes and in to her pyjamas.

* * *

Olivia woke to the most horrific screams; she rushed from the couch where she had fallen asleep after putting Alex to bed and darted into the blonde's room.

Alex was rooted to the spot in front of her bed, her pyjamas were soaked with sweat and Olivia could make out a wet patch on her pants and the bed indicating that Alex had wet the bed. She didn't want to startle the blonde but she was terrified, Alex was so still, her eyes were empty and if Olivia had believed in the supernatural, she'd have said that Alex wasn't real.

"Alex" she said gently, trying to coax the blonde from whatever was happening, she wasn't sure if it was flashback of some kind or if Alex was sleep walking. She didn't want to startle the woman.

She almost jumped when Alex stepped forward, heading towards the vanity mirror. Olivia watched as Alex stared at her reflection. She reached out and traced the Alex reflected back at her before pulling her arm back. Olivia didn't even have time to stop her, as Alex hit the glass with her fist hard, the pieces shattering around her.

Olivia almost screamed as she dashed forward, taking in the large shard of glass protruding from the blonde's hand "Alex"

Alex blinked before she looked down at her hand and started sobbing "Liv…I'm sorry"

"Hey, hey, it's okay"

Olivia didn't want to panic the blonde but she was losing blood fast and knew they needed to get her to a hospital. Rushing into the bathroom, she grabbed some towels before returning to the bedroom where Alex was staring listlessly at her hand. Hoping that Abbie was awake as she registered that it was almost 4.30am, she grabbed Alex's cell from the unit, dialling the brunette's number as she bandaged Alex's hand, trying to stem the loss of blood.

"Hey Alex, everything okay" Abbie answered

Olivia breathed out "Abs, its Liv. I need a lift to the hospital with Alex"

"Is she okay? What's happened?" Abbie said in a panic

"It's okay Abs, can you come over?"

"Yeah, I'll be as quick as I can"

Olivia chucked the cell onto the bed as she pulled Alex into her arms; she knew that they'd need to have a serious talk when her hand was patched up.

* * *

"What happened?" Abbie asked again as she sat with Olivia outside Alex's room a few hours later. Alex was sleeping and the two brunettes decided to leave her to rest for a while.

"I woke up to her screaming. I thought she was having a nightmare so I ran to her. She was standing in her room, just staring…god Abs, she looked so…like she wasn't…there"

Abbie listened; the only thing she could offer was her support right now.

"She went over to the mirror. I thought she might be sleep walking…I didn't want to frighten her. She touched the mirror, like she was touching her own cheek and before I…she just punched it"

Abbie felt nauseous. When she had turned up at Olivia's, she had been terrified at the amount of blood and at that moment, she realised what Serena must have felt like seeing her bleeding out in the bathroom all those years ago.

"Do you…I think we need to get her some…help…?" Abbie suggested

Olivia nodded, knowing that the younger brunette was right "George was meant to be coming over today; I want him to try again first. I don't want to stress her out…she's…vulnerable"

"I need to call Serena, I kind of didn't really explain when I left…I was…"

Olivia nodded as Abbie excused herself and headed down the hall. As she heard Abbie begin to talk she put her hands over her face and began to cry.

A short time later, Abbie returned, her eyes red and puffy and she sat down next to an equally emotional Olivia "You okay Liv"

Olivia nodded "Yeah, I'll be okay. How are you?"

Abbie sighed "I'm…okay"

Olivia furrowed her brows "Abbie…you'd tell me if you weren't, wouldn't you?"

Abbie turned her head away and Olivia could see the guilt written across her face. She reached out to touch the brunette's wrist but Abbie pulled away.

"What did you do, Abs?"

"Nothing"

"Abs"

"I'm okay Liv. I haven't done anything" Abbie said and Olivia could tell that the brunette was telling the truth

"Do you want to?"

Abbie sighed and shook her head "It's been on my mind a lot, I don't want to, but…"

"Does Serena know?"

Abbie shook her head "Liv, seeing Alex, like that…the blood. There was so much…when I…"

"Shh Abs. Don't worry, are you going to be okay?"

"I hope so, I am trying and I'm determined not to give in but the urges are there" Abbie admitted

"As long as you try your hardest, you'll be fine. Relapses do happen Abbie, and no one will judge you if you do but you're stronger than this. I should have seen that you were struggling back then, I was so blind to it…I wasn't there when I should have been and now Alex…I don't want you doing that again"

"Doing what?"

Abbie gasped as Serena appeared, looking worried. "Re" Abbie began

"Abbie, did you…"

Abbie shook her head as a tear escaped, she brushed it away "I promise I haven't…I just…I'm sorry"

"Don't be…shh, it's okay" Serena soothed holding her girlfriend in her arms

"I'll give you some space" Olivia said, not wanting to intrude on the moment between the two women

"No, stay" Abbie said as she pulled away a little "We can talk later"

"How's Alex?" Serena asked

"Asleep"

The three friends sat in silence, wondering how on earth they were all going to cope with the next few months, not knowing that things were about to get a whole lot harder


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks for the reviews as always, I really enjoy reading what you think and it helps me to see where I'm going with this story. Their will be some new developments coming soon but as always, it's a slow journey to recovery. **

Chapter 19

Serena sat opposite Olivia later that day. Alex was now home, and George had rescheduled to speak to the blonde in the afternoon although Olivia was worried that Alex wouldn't talk. She had been quiet, but Olivia knew that may be the pain medication kicking in as the blonde had fallen asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

"You okay Re?" Olivia asked

"Yeah, do you think Abbie's okay?"

Olivia smiled at the blonde before nodding "I think she will be. She said that she realised how scared you must have been when you found her bleeding out. She said she only realised how much blood there must have been after she'd seen the amount of blood just Alex's hand wound had emitted"

"I was terrified" Serena admits "I still am…"

"It's been hard on her Re, this whole thing, she's been there for both of us from the beginning and I know she cares about Alex a hell of a lot too…and I know she's still got to take Alex's statement, there's been pressure to get Carlson to trial"

"I know. I wish they'd see that it isn't as simple as Alex telling her what happened and moving on"

"I know…I'm afraid that Alex won't be strong enough to do this at all and I think Abbie needs to take a step back"

"You think she'll…"

"I think that Abbie has been strong for so long that sooner or later, something might break. I know now that her leaving SVU wasn't just because she needed a change, it was her needing to get better"

Serena nodded in agreement "I can't watch her go back, Liv"

"I know…she won't. Leave her to me"

"Are you okay Olivia? This must be really affecting you too" Serena questioned, her voice laced with concern.

"I'll be fine once I know he's behind bars…I don't care whether he gets convicted for what he did to Alex, in all honesty, I just want him out of our lives"

Serena nodded in understanding "We're here for you too Olivia, you and Alex. You can call us any time you need"

"I was stupid to call Abbie…I just panicked"

"You didn't cause her to think about hurting herself again, Olivia"

"Like I didn't cause Alex to be taken?" Olivia snapped

"Hey…it's not your fault!" Serena said equally as harsh "You didn't ask him to do it, did you?"

"No"

"Olivia, I think you should talk to someone too"

Olivia nodded as she closed her eyes "I know. George gave me the number of a friend of his…I keep meaning to call but…"

"Do it, I know that Alex will need you a lot and you can't shoulder it all Olivia…"

* * *

Olivia paced the kitchen, her hand flying through her hair "What's taking them so long?"

Serena watched from the table as she held her hands around a steaming cup of cocoa "This is a good thing Olivia, if there was a problem, George would have called you"

"I guess" Olivia said with a sigh as she stopped "I just…"

"I know" Serena said "Sit down, Olivia. Let's talk about Elliot"

Olivia groaned, earning a chuckle from the blonde "Do we have to?"

"I'm just trying to make conversation Liv; he seems to be okay with you and Alex"

Olivia nodded with a smile "Yeah that was one thing I was a little worried about, but he seems okay with it. I don't expect him to get out all the rainbow flags and be totally cool but he's accepted it"

"I'm glad. You and Alex are good for each other Liv…everyone could see it before you"

Olivia chuckled as she sighed "I hope she's okay"

Just then, the door opened and Olivia looked up to see Alex standing in the doorway, she had obviously been pushed to open up and the tears were still evident on her cheeks but George was smiling behind her.

"Hey" Olivia said with a small smile

"Can we talk?" Alex asked

"I'll see you tomorrow Alex" George reminded her as he nodded to the brunette.

Serena followed him out and once they were gone, Alex began to cry "I am so sorry Olivia"

"There's no need to apologise"

"I think, I need to tell you some things" Alex said quietly, her nerves clear

"I'll listen to anything you say Alex, but I'm not going to force you"

"I want Abbie to come over and take my statement tomorrow…and I…want to tell you a bit first" Alex explained

Olivia took a deep breath "Alex, I think that it's better if someone else takes your statement"

"Why?"

"Abbie's not doing too good at the moment"

Alex's face turned into a frown "Why?"

"She's struggling. She told me she's been having urges" Olivia said quietly

Alex gasped "Oh my god. I need to talk to her Olivia"

"Alex…you need to get yourself better…Serena's there for Abbie...she's okay, I promise" Olivia soothed gently "Do you need anything before you talk to me though…a drink or something to eat?"

"I'm fine"

Olivia nodded as she offered Alex her hands "Shall we go into the living room?"

* * *

Once they were both settled on the couch, Olivia waited for Alex to start. She was not going to push for information, but she hoped Alex could open up as much as possible.

"You know he raped me"

Olivia nodded, not daring to speak in case Alex stopped talking, but she held the blonde's hands tightly even though Alex wasn't looking at her, and she needed to let her know she was there.

"He shocked me, with electroshock's until…I had an orgasm"

Olivia felt Alex begin to shake and she turned, worried the blonde was going into a flashback but Alex was crying, silently, tears streaming down her face "He made me cum over…and over and…he raped me. It was a game; see how quick…I could..."

"You know it's just your body's reaction"

"I know…but I felt dirty. I still do"

"What else can you tell me?"

"He tied me up under running water…"

Olivia realised why Alex had freaked when she had suggested a shower "I didn't know"

"It's okay"

"What…how can I help if I don't know…?"

Alex sighed "I'm trying Olivia; to tell you things because…I know I have to give my statement, and I want Abbie…I need Abbie to do it but I don't…can you call Abbie? I need to see her…I need to know she's okay"

Olivia didn't understand but as she stood, she noticed Alex glancing at her arms, her expression one of distress "Alex…"

"I need Abbie"

Olivia didn't hesitate, she wasn't sure what was happening but she knew that she'd do anything Alex asked and if calling the brunette was what she wanted, then she'd do it. She just hoped that both women were strong enough for what was to come.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Abbie knocked gingerly on the apartment door, Olivia sounded concerned on the phone and Abbie knew that her friend was worried, not just about Alex but about her. She had quietly asked if Abbie could come over, saying that Alex wanted to talk to her. She had definitely been crying, her voice was thick and emotional and Abbie hoped that things were okay between the blonde and brunette.

"Abs" Olivia breathed out as the door opened "Alex won't let me in"

"Where is she?" Abbie questioned, her heart beat quickening with worry and the sight of Olivia looking lost and frightened

"In the bedroom"

Abbie rushed down the hall with Olivia following close behind, she stopped and knocked on the door "Alex, it's Abbie. Can you open the door?"

The door flew open almost immediately and Alex wrapped her arms around the slim brunette, sobbing quietly, she pulled back and looked Abbie in the eyes and asked "Are you okay?"

Abbie smiled and nodded her head "Yeah. Can I come in?"

Alex nodded let the brunette pass her before she turned to Olivia who was standing awkwardly in the hall. Alex gave her a small smile before whispering "I love you"

Olivia was still concerned but she knew Alex wasn't pushing her away deliberately. She replied "I love you too" before leaving the two women to talk

Alex closed the door with a sigh, before she turned to the brunette ADA who had taken a seat on the edge of the bed "I'm sorry for scaring you Abbie"

"I'm okay Alex"

"You're thinking about cutting" it wasn't a question, merely a statement, and both women sighed once it was spoken

"Abs"

"Alex"

Abbie was the first to let out a small chuckle as she lifted her hand to wipe away the tears that were gathering "I'm struggling a little but I'm okay"

"How's Serena?"

"Angry. She was quite calm when she found out but when we got home we argued, a lot. I said a few things that upset her, and she came over here to Olivia…"

"She's not angry Abbie, she's worried. How are you really?"

"I'm okay, really. I don't want to cut again, and I won't. How about you, you okay?" Abbie realised that Alex had avoided mentioning herself since she'd arrived

"Yeah" Alex sighed "Abbie, I don't want anyone else to take my statement"

"Why would anyone else do it...?" Abbie asked

"Liv said…"

"Olivia is just worried. Serena said the same thing but I want to be there for you, I can cope with what you tell me. If I do relapse, it's not because of you, okay?"

"You'll talk to someone Abs, please"

Abbie nodded, knowing that if Alex didn't ask, Serena would force her to sooner or later "So, how are you, really?"

"I told Olivia a few things, but…I needed to know that you'd still take my statement, when I was ready…and then, I wanted to cut so badly"

Abbie furrowed her brows "Did you?"

Alex nodded "Yeah"

"Are they…? Do you need help cleaning them?"

"They're not bad Abs, I mean, not really. I know I shouldn't have, but when Olivia was calling you, I just, I got anxious and I knew what I needed"

"Olivia is really worried about you Alex"

"I know"

"You'll get better, and we're all here for you, Liv, Me and Rena, we all care about you. Olivia loves you more than life itself and you're Serena's best friend and I really care about you too, you're my friend Alex and I am here"

Alex looked up at the brunette before smiling slightly "Thank you"

"Can I let Olivia in? I think you need to talk"

Alex nodded, before grasping Abbie's hand "Don't leave, please"

"I'll be in the living room. Alex, be honest with her, okay? She loves you" Abbie said, squeezing Alex's hand gently before letting go and heading out of the bedroom to find Olivia.

* * *

Olivia was sitting on the couch, wringing her hands with nerves. She knew that Alex was safe with Abbie and she knew they needed to talk but she was concerned, because both women were in difficult places emotionally and she wasn't sure either was particularly stable to be left alone.

As she contemplated checking they were okay, she failed to notice the brunette enter the room and sit beside her "Hey Liv"

Olivia turned and jumped at Abbie's close proximity, she covered her racing heart with her hand "God, you scared the shit out of me"

Abbie chuckled at the brunette detective's words, she had often heard Olivia use explicates but she knew that Alex had tried to put a stop to it as much as possible "Such a dirty mouth"

Olivia laughed, glad of the reprieve from her worried thoughts "I remember you used to love my mouth"

Abbie blushed and then shook her head "It was a long time ago"

Olivia nodded, she and Abbie had been good lovers but they'd been better friends and neither of them harboured grudges, they'd split amicably and while they still cared for one another, their hearts now belonged to two amazing blondes.

"How's Alex?"

"She's okay, she asked me to come and get you. She wants to talk"

"Are you going home?"

Abbie shook her head as she remained seated "Alex asked me to stay. I'm fine Olivia, I promise. I want to take Alex's statement; this won't affect me and my recovery. Like I told Alex, I'm struggling but I'm not going to give in. I'm going to start seeing my therapist again"

"You'll talk to me Abs if things get tough. I hate that I never knew, we were best friends and I should have been there"

"I don't blame you for anything Liv, you're a great friend" Abbie said sincerely "Now, go and see Alex"

* * *

"Can I come in?" Olivia asked as she watched Alex fiddling with her shirt sleeves

Alex lifted her head and stilled the movements of her hand before nodding. She knew that she needed to talk to Olivia but she was scared of making the brunette leave.

Olivia entered, sitting beside Alex and offering her hand "You okay?"

"Yeah" Alex said with a sigh "I'm sorry"

"Never apologise for feeling Alex, for being scared, you're entitled to feel any kind of emotion. Talk to me"

"I…I wanted to talk to you, but what if you leave? I'm too damaged, too dirty, I don't want you to feel obliged to stay but I don't want you to go either" Alex explained shakily, voicing her fears

"Alex, I will never leave you because of something you tell me about what happened. You are not dirty and you are certainly not damaged, even if it feels like it right now, okay? I am here, and I will always be here, as long as you need me to be"

"I'll always need you"

"I'm here Alex. Is that all that was bothering you"

"I cut"

Olivia nodded "I guessed that, I wish you hadn't run out while I was talking to Abbie, you could have come to me and told me how you were feeling"

"I didn't want to upset you" Alex said sincerely

"Oh Alex, it upsets me more knowing you hide from me honey" Olivia said through her tears "Don't"

"I'm sorry"

"Shh"

"I want Abbie to take my statement tomorrow"

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked with concern

Alex nodded as she reached for the brunette's hand "I have to do this, it's important. I want to get past this, put it behind me, and then I'll talk to you"

"As long as you're sure and Abbie's okay with it"

"Abbie promised me she'd be okay, I trust her. I want to get better Olivia and I know that giving my statement and talking to George, I know all that is going to help. I need you with me on this"

"Of course I'm with you Alex. I told you that I'm not going anywhere, I mean it"


	21. Chapter 21

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER.**

Chapter 21

A few weeks had passed; it had been more of the same.

George had come over as often as she could, the sessions never lasted long and Alex withdrew after each one. Olivia knew that she was still cutting, and the nightmares had continued. Like everything, there were good and bad days and sometimes Olivia would see the glimpse of the old Alex returning, but it seemed she never lingered for long and the shell of the woman she had come to know returned.

Abbie had been over a few times trying to get Alex's statement finished but they never really managed to get very far when Alex would be catapulted into a flashback, when Olivia was able to bring her out of it, Alex retreated back into herself and refused to talk further.

Olivia sat on the cold tiled floor if her bathroom holding Alex against her chest. The blonde had woken early that morning and dashed to the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. 20 minutes later she had finally stopped heaving. Olivia was concerned.

The previous night, the two women were emotionally drained from Abbie's insistent pushing and the sessions Alex had with George, they'd fallen asleep on the couch wrapped in each other's arms until Alex had woken and almost pushed Olivia from the couch.

"Are you feeling better?" Olivia asked into the silence

Alex murmured inaudibly but Olivia felt the nod against her chest, she carefully extracted her arm from around the blonde's waist and moved back a little so she was no longer behind the blonde.

"Can you get up?"

Alex nodded and tilted her head to meet the brunette's eyes "I think so"

However as she went to stand, her head span and she had to grab the brunette to avoid falling, she groaned and closed her eyes willing away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Hey, I got you"

"Guess I'm not as good as I thought"

Olivia gave a slight chuckle, trying to release some of the tension she felt and was sure Alex could feel too "I'll help you to the living room"

Once Alex was seated on the couch Olivia grabbed her some water and 2 Tylenol before returning, holding out her hand "Here"

"Thanks" Alex murmured taking the medication and water before closing her eyes "I'm tired"

"Sleep then. Abbie will be over in about 2 hours" Olivia said gently, as she smoothed the blonde's hair from her face

* * *

"Alex sweetie, wake up" Olivia said gently, as she stroked her hand over Alex's cheek a couple of hours later

Alex's eyes flew open as she sat up, her pupils flying about the room until they settled on Olivia crouched beside her. She noticed Abbie sitting in the armchair opposite and groaned. "Sorry"

"Shh. You feeling okay?" Olivia asked

"Better" Alex murmured as she swung her legs around, as she did so she notices Abbie's concerned gaze and answered the silent question "I was a bit sick this morning"

Abbie nodded, furrowing her brows in concern and Olivia stood from beside the couch, and rested on the arm beside Alex "Abbie…"

Abbie knew what Olivia was going to ask, and she nodded in response "We'll be okay"

Alex smiled, knowing she cannot prolong the inevitable "I'm fine Liv"

Olivia squeezed the blonde's hand before she nodded and let go "I'm just down the hall okay?"

Once Olivia had left Abbie eyed the blonde wearily "You okay Alex?"

Alex nodded, and took a breath "Just terrified"

"It's okay Alex, we can take as long as you need to, and we'll stop when you ask. I want us to finish today but there's nothing that I have to do so if it takes all evening, then so be it"

Alex smiled gratefully at Abbie's reassurance "Okay"

"The last time, you were describing the men for me again"

Alex nodded "I really don't remember much else about them Abbie"

While Abbie didn't fully believe Alex she didn't push, they could come back to that. It was an important part of the statement, and without it they would not be able to prove anything.

"I'm not going to ask questions Alex, I just want you to talk…if I need something clarifying then I'll ask. I'm going to record this only so that I don't have to write everything down as you're saying it"

Alex nodded, steadying herself, she knew this was going to be hard but she had to do it.

_The dripping of the water invaded her mind even after he'd finished, she laid on her front, her hands were tied above her head, her legs spread eagle and there was a continuous ache in her nether regions. She could still feel his liquid dripping from her center, as she closed her eyes. _

_Drip, drip, drip_

_She had kept focusing on the sound while he was moving inside her, she couldn't fight, her body began to shut itself down from the continuous beatings it had received but still, it responded to…that. _

_Alex tensed as the door opened; he never left her long these days. Her reprieve came and went before she could allow her mind to rest, before her body could begin to mend itself. _

_"Hey baby"_

_Alex closed her eyes, she hated the sound of his voice, she hated it when he called her 'baby' more than anything, only Olivia can do that. Tears rushed to her eyes at the thought of her girlfriend and she willed them away. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction but he saw anyway. _

_"Does Olivia call you that? Aww, I bet she whispers it to you every night before you sleep"_

_Tears flowed along her cheeks and she cried out "I hate you"_

_Seconds later she felt the gentle caress of his hand, rough, unlike Olivia's, but it was the gentleness he used that hurt more than anything, she flinched at the touch "No you don't"_

_"I do"_

_He continued the delicate movements with his hands and Alex tensed as she felt the other run along her left thigh, before it hit where she didn't want it to go. _

_"Can you feel that? My cum dripping from your pussy, doesn't it feel good?"_

_"No" Alex said firmly_

_"Oh, but I think it does" he murmured, and Alex noticed his hand leave her cheek and grasp his erection, Alex shook her head, usually she needed to fight for him to get aroused, but something about that day is different. She has no idea what time it is, and he's being so gentle. _

_Alex tensed as his fingers slipped through her sex, she closed her eyes, she didn't want to feel but she knew she would, yet she refused to see. _

_Alex wanted to scream when she felt him bury himself inside her, she kept her eyes closed, but she felt everything, and she heard it too, the squelching inside her as he moved, the slapping sound of him hitting her butt cheeks and his hands, pressing into her shoulders, keeping her still, even though she could not move anyway. _

_Alex didn't know how long it lasted and she didn't want to know, she had tried to keep her thoughts on the water dripping. _

_Drip drip drip_

_It's after she heard him grunting that she realised he was close, he chanted over and over and over again…"baby, baby, baby" as he came inside of her_

"Baby" Alex's eyes flew open as she gasped for breath, her eyes landing on Olivia but she could still hear him, still feel him and it's not until she felt the rise of nausea that it hit her, and she screamed in realisation


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey all. I didn't get to post this yesterday, as was out with my parents. Had a lovely day walking along the seafront and visiting different places.**

**Wheelie91 noted I had some glitches with the tense in the previous chapter, I went through it and I hope I managed to correct the mistakes. I really struggle with tense, so apologies for any mistakes I've missed and continue to make. **

**TRIGGER WARNING again**

Chapter 22

Olivia didn't understand what had happened, when Alex's eyes had settled on her she expected the blonde to come back to the present, but Alex looked anxious, conflicted and her body shook harder than before. Every time Olivia tried to touch the blonde, Alex flinched, tears dripping along her cheeks, and loud unrestrained sobs escaped. Abbie had realised that the blonde was slipping into a flashback and called for Olivia, knowing that if anyone could help it would be her.

"Alex"

Alex jumped from the couch, pushed past Olivia and into the hallway, she rushed down the hall, slamming the bedroom door behind her as she entered, leaving two equally shocked brunette's unsure of what to do.

"Shall I go after her?" Olivia asked quietly, as she tries to comprehend what had just happened

Abbie doesn't know, she's still in shock seeing how easily Alex slipped into the flashback, seeing the blank look in her eyes and then the anguish engulf the blonde was too raw, and Abbie wonders if she pushed too hard. They'd got through a great deal and Abbie was sure that if they finished there then that was enough but she really wanted to get Alex's description of the men, or more importantly Carlson Waverly.

"I don't know"

"I've never had that much trouble getting her out of a flashback" Olivia mused "It must have been a strong one"

Abbie nodded, before she closed the notebook on her lap "I think we're done"

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked with genuine concern as she looked up at the younger brunette

"Yeah" Abbie replied "Just a bit shaken. She's been through so much"

"But she's going to get through this too" Olivia said gently, as much to reassure herself as Abbie

The younger brunette nodded and gestured down the hall "Go and see if she's okay, I'll let myself out"

Olivia shook her head as she crossed over to the armchair where Abbie was sitting, she opened her arms and Abbie welcomed the gesture, she stood to embrace the older woman. They held each other for a short while until Abbie pulled away "Thanks, now go check your girl"

Olivia nodded, smiling slightly before she hurried down the hall. Abbie watched as Olivia knocked on the door and then pushed it open, the younger blonde sighed before she stood and headed out.

* * *

"Alex?" Olivia asked into the dark, the blonde hadn't answered the knocks but Olivia wasn't going to let her be alone even if Alex asked

"Go away" Alex mumbled, her voice thick with emotion

"You okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm fine" Alex bit out sarcastically and Olivia sighed, she hated when Alex pushed her away but knew deep down it was intentional

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No"

Olivia nodded as she approached gently, uncertain of what Alex would be comfortable with so decided to ask.

"Can I sit down?"

"If you want"

Olivia sat gently, and kept her hands in her lap, she wanted to ask what was wrong, she wanted to demand that Alex talk to her but she also wanted to be there, and let Alex know that much

"I'm here Lex, okay?"

Alex didn't respond but Olivia heard the sobs that Alex was trying to keep in, it made her heart-break for the blonde and her own tears slipped out and ran silently along her cheeks.

After what seemed like forever, Alex whispered into the dark "Hold me"

Olivia reached over and pulled Alex tight against her, she rocked her as she continued to cry. There were no words to be said, for neither woman knew how.

After a short while Olivia heard Alex's breathing even out and she realised the blonde had fallen asleep, she laid down, and pulled Alex with her before she allowed her own eyes to close

* * *

Olivia woke a few hours later to the sound of Alex retching in the bathroom; she sat up and ran her hand through her hair, stretching a little before climbing from the bed.

She found Alex sweaty and shaking as she gripped the toilet bowl with both hands, retching violently as tears trickled along her bright red cheeks. She stops in the doorway and the blonde lifts her head before returning to the bowl to retch again. Olivia crossed the room and knelt beside the blonde, lifting her damp hair out-of-the-way as Alex groans.

"How long have you been in here?" Olivia asked concerned

"Dunno" Alex mumbled lifting her head as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. Olivia grimaced, trying not to heave herself as Alex continued to shake in her arms.

"Should I call a doctor?" Olivia asked genuinely worried about the blonde

Alex shook her head before she began retching again, once she was sure she was done, she lifted her head and looked at Olivia with fresh tears "I know what's wrong"

Olivia furrowed her brows as she began rubbing soothing circles across the blonde's back.

"I'm pregnant"

Olivia managed to hold in a gasp but at the sight of Alex looking absolutely petrified, she pulled the woman close "Are you sure?"

"I haven't had my period. I thought it was just stress…"

"Oh Alex"

Alex didn't respond, she laid limply, still shivering a little in the brunette's arms. After another 10 minutes Alex pulled back "I think it's stopped"

Olivia smiled before nodding, offering her hand to the blonde as she stood. She held the blonde and guided her back into the bedroom/ She settled her on top of the covers before asking"Shall I get you some water?"

Alex nodded and began crying softly, her body seemingly tired from the violent vomiting "I don't want it"

Olivia furrowed her brows, thinking that Alex was confused; she repeated "Shall I get you some water? Or do you not want any?"

"I don't want the…" Alex began before whispering "…baby"

Olivia's heart broke; she had suspected this but still to hear Alex say it aloud caught her off guard. She would never force Alex into anything but she wanted to make sure that the blonde was sure before she made a decision.

"You don't have to worry about that right now" she assured her but this made Alex cry harder.

Olivia didn't want to distress Alex any further, so she left the room, heading to the kitchen to get some water. Once she had filled the glass, she ran her hand through her hair, sighing and taking a steady breath. She had no idea what the blonde was going through and her mind wandered to how her Mother must have felt when she found out she was carrying her rapist's child.

Unsure what to do, and worried about leaving the blonde too long Olivia headed back into the bedroom. She stopped when she saw Alex clawing at her own skin before her brain clicked into gear. She ran to the blonde, prying her hands away from her skin and holding her close "Alex, stop…"

"I hate it, hate it, hate it" Alex cried, struggling to get free from the brunette before her body tensed and she pushed Olivia forcefully from her "Get off me"

Olivia watched as Alex began to tremble, sliding down onto the floor, shaking her head. Olivia didn't want Alex to get into another flashback but she realised that her actions might have caused more damage than she intended. She had just wanted Alex to stop hurting herself, but holding her must have set her off.

Alex knew it was Olivia holding her, she knew that but still she kept seeing his face. She breathed heavily, as the brunette crouched in front of her "Hey, Alex, it's just me. Come on, come back to me"

"I'm okay Liv" Alex whispered "I know it's you"

Olivia smiled "That's good, keep breathing. Stay here with me Alex"

Alex returned the smile although small, but for Olivia it was enough. Alex slowly lifted herself from the floor, shakily holding onto the wall for support.

"Can I help?"

"Yes" Alex replied, allowing Olivia to take her hand and help her into a standing position


	23. Chapter 23

**Thank you for your continued support. **

**This chapter is full of angst, some mentions of self harm in passing**

Chapter 23

George arrived around mid afternoon; Olivia was holding back the tears as she opened the door which concerned him

"What is it Olivia?"

The brunette shook her head as she swallowed and moved to let the man passed. George furrowed his brows noticing that Alex wasn't in the living room.

"Where's Alex?"

"Asleep" Olivia managed to choke out as the tears began to fall unreservedly "I don't know what to do George"

The older man pulled Olivia into a hug, hoping to be comforting but feeling that she really just needed Alex. "Talk to me Liv"

"She's pregnant"

Olivia didn't register what she was saying, the words just tumbling out and it wasn't until she heard muffled sobs that she realised what she'd revealed.

She gasped as she looked up and saw the blonde standing in the doorway looking hurt and angry, tears dripping from her cheeks as she tried desperately to hold in the sobs. Olivia pulled from George's grasp.

"Alex"

Alex literally bolted back towards the bedroom, Olivia chasing her, begging her to wait.

She pushed open the door, and watched Alex who was pacing in front of the window. "Go away"

"Alex…"

"You told him"

"Alex…"

"Get out!" the blonde screamed as she picked up a vase and tossed it towards the door. Olivia managed to move out-of-the-way, the vase hitting the wall beside her and smashing into pieces "Just leave me alone"

Worried about the blonde's safety, Olivia refused to budge as Alex continued tossing object after object.

George heard the commotion and ran towards the source, he stopped as a book came flying out the door, landing in front of him. He heard Alex screaming, and saw the shadow of Olivia who was crying softly but refusing to move.

"Alex" he said loudly "I need you to take a deep breath"

"Get out!"

Alex continued to scream and George knew he had to intervene before either woman got hurt.

"Olivia, go and wait in the living room"

"I'm not…" she began but as she turned, she saw the doctor's expression and knew that she should do as he asked. He could help.

Olivia gave him a look that said 'Be gentle' before she exited the room, tears streaming down her face.

* * *

"Alex" George said from the doorway "I'm going to come in, okay? I won't move from the door but I need you to put whatever it is that you're holding down"

There was no response from the blonde so George cautiously took a couple of steps forward so he was in the doorway. He peeked in and saw Alex crying softly, her body trembling slightly from her disintegrating rage.

"Alex, I'm going to stand right here but I want you to talk to me okay?"

Alex nodded, sniffling a little and then shook her head "I trusted her"

"Maybe Olivia was wrong to tell me what she did but I don't think you realise how this is affecting her. She's trying to comfort you but she needs people too Alex. This is hard on her"

"She didn't have to make me stay here"

"Alex she wants you here, and she didn't make you do anything, she loves you and she wants to help but sometimes she feels helpless, and she doesn't know what to do"

Alex realised that she wasn't being fair on the brunette, she was still angry that Olivia had told George without them talking about it first but she knew that Olivia was struggling and was beginning to understand that Olivia needed to talk to other people sometimes.

"Do you think she'll forgive me?"

"She already has" George said gently "Alex, she loves you and she knows you were just angry. Can you talk me through what you were feeling?"

Alex sighed "I was just angry George. I have this thing inside me and I just…I don't want it there. I never asked for it, none of it and…and…"

"Okay, Alex. Calm down"

"I was angry that she'd told you…I told her I didn't want it. It's a rapist's baby, how could…" Alex began and then shook her head "I love Olivia and it's because of some rapist that she's here and I know…I know she still struggles with that and I know she had a rough childhood with her Mom but, she's here and I get to love her and be with her but…I can't…this…"

George nodded as he cautiously took a couple of steps into the room; he closed the door behind him and gave Alex a gentle smile "It's okay. I think we should postpone our session today Alex"

"I…yeah, I guess"

"I don't want to push you Alex. I can see you're struggling with your feelings, I don't want to cause you any more distress"

"I just want to forget everything but…it's impossible" Alex sighed, her posture defeated

"It's going to take time Alex. Right now it may seem like the most impossible thing in the world but it's hasn't even been a month, to expect things to be back to normal by now is unrealistic. You've given your statement to Abbie and you're beginning to open up, I know this new development has thrown a curveball but you're not alone and you are incredibly strong. Whatever you choose Olivia will be right beside you, and Abbie and Serena, me and Liz…you are loved by so many Alex"

Tears began to fall from the blonde's eyes, she knew she was loved, she had felt it so much since she had been found but she didn't feel strong, her whole life had changed and she didn't feel like the Alex she was before, she knew it would take time but she felt so out of control and knew it would only get worse as the trial began.

"I need to talk George but I think I need to tell more to Olivia first, can you call her in before you leave?"

The doctor nodded his head as he smiled at the blonde "I'll come back tomorrow morning, is that okay?"

"Yeah"

Alex sighed as she watched George retreat from the room, knowing she had a long road ahead of her that had just stretched miles further.

* * *

Olivia took a steady breath as she approached the bedroom where Alex was still residing. George had told her to go gentle and not to get angry about what Alex told her. She was worried because she didn't want to have those images in her head, and she didn't want Alex to get distressed further.

"Alex?"

"You can come in" Alex answered quietly but she seemed calmer than she had done so earlier

"I'm sorry" Olivia apologised as she stepped into the room cautiously eyeing the blonde

"Come and sit down Liv" Alex said patting the bed beside her "Don't apologise"

Olivia crossed the room and sat stiffly beside the blonde, she was nervous to initiate contact; she could see Alex trembling slightly and didn't want to unnerve her

"Relax. Olivia I was angry that you'd told George but I know you need to talk too and I'm sorry I got angry at you, I was just, I am angry at the situation but that doesn't excuse what I did and…"

"You scared me"

Alex hung her head willing the tears not to fall "I know"

"Alex, talk to me, please" Olivia urged gently "I'm worried"

Alex lifted her head and gave a small smile "I know and I hate that you have to be, I know I'm giving you every reason to worry but…I'm okay"

"Do you still want to cut?"

Alex nodded "You know I do, and I have but I'm dealing with it though, I…I was just so flipping angry this morning, I wanted to hurt, I deserve it"

"No, you don't. What happened to you is not your fault Alex, if it's anyone's then it's mine"

"No!" Alex shouted making Olivia jump, but softened her voice as she reached to take the brunette's hand "It's never your fault, and I know deep down it isn't mine but my thoughts get jumbled and I can't rationalise right now. I never meant to scare you, this morning or this afternoon when George came. Olivia I don't blame you for telling him, I don't know if I would have done"

"I don't know what I'm doing Alex, I don't know how to help you and that's all I want, I just wish I could help you"

"You are. Olivia, I want to tell you about what he did to me. I need to with me during the trial but I don't want that to be the first time you hear about it, I don't want you to have to see the photo's from the warehouse and my injuries in court for the first time"

"Whenever you're ready Alex"

"No, I need to do it, and today. I want you to call Abbie, ask her to bring the case file and ask if Serena can come too. I want to talk about it, with you, with Re, and Abbie's heard it before. I need my friends Olivia, I need my girlfriend. I can't do this alone"

"You are never alone, I hope you know that"

"I do" Alex said quietly, as she hesitantly laid her head on the brunette's shoulder "I do"


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you so much for the continuing support. I must admit that when I was approached to write this story I was a little hesitant due to the dark and violent nature of the plot but I feel that I am doing the subject justice, and your reviews really do give me confidence to continue writing.**

**Sorry for not updating yesterday, had my younger sister and her three boys over, plus my older sister and her three boys live with me and my parents, so the house was full and noisy and I didn't get five minutes away to update. I MIGHT update later again today.**

**TRIGGER WARNING (pretty much a given but just thought I'd warn you)**

Chapter 24

Olivia let the two women into her apartment, she was still hesitant about how ready Alex was for this but she was also scared about what she would find out. She was glad that Abbie and Serena were here but she felt awful asking them both to do this.

"Liv, don't worry about it" Abbie said gently as she watched the tirade of emotions play across the older brunette's face as she closed the door and turned to face her friends

"I just wish you didn't have to do this" Olivia said trying to keep herself from falling apart

"Hey, Alex is our friend and so are you. Olivia, I know this will be hard on you, on Alex and me and Re but if it helps in the long run, if it's what Alex feels she needs then…"

"I know. How are you?"

Abbie smiled, she was touched by Olivia's empathy, even though struggling herself, the detective always takes time to make sure others around her are okay, it's something she's always admired, something she always loved.

"I'm doing okay, Serena here made me go back to my therapist, and it's helping"

Olivia nodded, generally pleased that Abbie was talking about things, although still concerned about her best friend, and once upon a time lover. She then turned to Serena who was obviously nervous about the impeding conversation.

"Hey Re, you okay?"

The blonde nodded and gave a small smile "Yeah, just scared I guess"

"I know how you feel. I'll just go wake Alex, make yourself comfortable"

Olivia headed down the hall, still uncertain that what they were about to do was going to help but knowing it had to be discussed sometime and she herself didn't feel comfortable with hearing it all in a courtroom, unable to comfort Alex and assure her she still loved her regardless.

"Alex?" she said gently as she knocked and then pushed the door open. She smiled at the sight before her, curled on her side Alex had one arm curled underneath the pillow, and the other on the space beside her, her palm flat against the sheet.

"Hey Alex" she whispered, gently moving a strand of hair from the blonde's face, carefully watching for signs of discomfort. While Alex had been more relaxed around the brunette she still flinched at unexpected contact and Olivia knew enough to let Alex initiate any kind of contact.

Alex's eyelids fluttered open, and her lips curled into a small smile "Hey"

Olivia grinned in response as she moved her hand from the blonde's face "I hate to wake you babe but Abbie and Serena are here"

"It's okay" Alex mumbled into the pillow before stretching slightly, the pain in her ribs had all but healed until she had found herself vomiting, which now caused them to ache, her discomfort was seen by Olivia who furrowed her brows

"You in pain"

Alex nodded a little "I don't think it helped with the vomiting" she said quietly, hating to bring another of the many issues into focus

Olivia gave a sad smile but didn't linger too long as she headed to the bathroom, coming back with Tylenol "Here, take these"

"Thanks" Alex said sincerely as she gulped down the pills with the glass of water on the bedside cabinet

"You ready?"

Alex nodded as she stood from the bed, allowing Olivia to help her. The two made their way back to the living room where Abbie and Serena sat on the couch, Serena lent into the brunette's arms as Abbie held her tightly. It was obvious that Serena was crying but neither Alex nor Olivia wanted to impose on a private moment.

However, Abbie lifted her head and then gently kissed Serena's forehead, motioning for Alex and Olivia to enter "Hey Al"

"Hey" Alex said, mustering every ounce of normality as she could, as she knew what was about to come would affect all four of them

Serena lifted her head, and wiped her eyes, embarrassed to be caught crying but relaxed as she noticed neither Alex or Olivia were going to question it "Hi"

"I know this will be hard on us all" Alex said gently as she sat down opposite Abbie and Serena, Olivia settling beside her, not too close but allowing the need for comfort "And I appreciate that you're willing to do this but if at any time you need me to stop, or need Abbie to stop, please, tell us"

Serena nodded as she took hold of Abbie's hand, Olivia doing the same to Alex, causing the blonde to smile and take a deep breath "Abbie has some photo's of the crime scene, I want to explain about some of the things he used and…just give me some time"

She shakily reached for the folder that Abbie had placed on the table between them and opened the sleeve, her face paled but she took a breath and handed Olivia the first photo. Olivia took it and gasped, although in reality, the photograph wasn't particularly gruesome, just odd.

"What is that?"

"I don't know the exact name, I never asked" she attempted to joke but visibly swallowed before continuing "He'd leave me here under the tap, water would pour down on me..."

Olivia nodded, squeezing the blonde's hand telling her she didn't need to continue as she passed the photograph over to Serena.

"The shackles…" she whispered, mainly to herself, but her mind immediately conjured the image of Alex tied to the wall and she closed her eyes.

"Re, don't think about it" Alex said, noticing how pale Serena had become. Abbie took the photo from her girlfriend looking at Alex to check she was okay to continue

Alex shook her head as she stood from the couch and knelt in front of Serena "Re, I'm here. Please don't torture yourself about what happened"

Olivia watched as Alex comforted the blonde, smiling at just how strong Alex was being.

* * *

Olivia sighed as she ran her hand through her hair. Abbie and Serena had left almost an hour ago and Alex still hadn't emerged from the bathroom. She had run a bath for the blonde, although Alex had given no sign that she wanted one.

In fact Alex had responded to anything Olivia had suggested or said since the two women had left. The whole ordeal had left them drained, Serena had been in tears throughout, and Abbie was visibly shaken, not only from hearing Alex talk but at how upset her girlfriend had become. Olivia herself was struggling not to let her mind wander to what Alex had endured but she was more concerned about how detached the blonde had become.

Olivia had expected flashbacks, tears and anger but Alex had remained stoic throughout, comforting all three women as best she could and it was only now that Olivia realised how strange and concerning that was.

"Alex" she called approaching the bathroom "You've been in there a while, is everything okay?"

There was no response, not that Olivia had expected one, it was getting dark and she knew the blonde needed to sleep, and she herself was feeling the effects of the day. Olivia knew she needed to make the appointment to meet with Doctor Harrington as George had suggested and promised herself she would do so in the morning.

"Alex, I don't want to come in unannounced, but I need to know you're okay" she said, letting the blonde know that she was concerned

"Please"

It was a whisper, barely a sound but the sobs that accompanied it were enough to worry Olivia as she pushed open the door. Her heart broke at the sight of Alex still sitting in the bath, curled into a ball, shaking.

"Oh Alex"

"It hurts" Alex moaned "I wish it wouldn't hurt so much"

Olivia helped Alex from the bath, well aware that the blonde was naked, but also aware of the new gashes marring her alabaster skin. They didn't seem deep and wouldn't need any medical attention but she knew that Alex needed to see George again and soon.

Abbie had taken her aside before she left and explained that the trial was set for a week on Monday. Olivia hoped that that was enough time for Alex to begin to gain some control but part of her just wanted it to be over.


	25. Chapter 25

**So here's the next chapter for you. **

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Chapter 25

The sound of Alex sobbing into the pillow beside her woke Olivia the next morning, she instinctively reached to touch the blonde's back but Alex flinched and tensed before jumping from the bed. No words were spoken as she left the bedroom, leaving Olivia worried and angry for initiating contact. The blonde had refused to let Olivia leave the night before, clinging to her desperately as she cried and therefore both had fallen asleep together side by side.

The brunette groaned into her pillow before looking at the clock, it was almost 8AM, and while she wished both she and Alex could sleep for a while longer, she knew that trying would be futile.

Carefully she headed down the hall, stopping when she saw Alex curled on the couch, trembling. She wanted to comfort Alex but didn't want to crowd the blonde who seemed intent on pushing Olivia away. Seeing that she probably wouldn't be welcome she told the blonde "I'm going to take a shower, if you need me, shout"

Alex didn't acknowledge Olivia's presence and with a heavy sigh the brunette headed back to her bedroom and bathroom.

However when she returned Alex was nowhere to be found and this concerned her greatly as even though they'd been home for over a month now, Alex hadn't attempted to go out, nor expressed willingness. Not wanting to panic Abbie or Serena unless necessary, she dialed the only other person she knew could help.

"Stabler"

"El, it's me" she said quickly into the receiver "Look, I know it's Sunday but…Alex has gone out. It's the first time since she, since it all happened and she didn't tell me where she was going, I was in the shower and she just left. I don't know if she'd have gone back to her apartment, but…can you check for me?"

"Sure. Don't go out Liv, she might comes back. Have you phoned Serena or Abbie? She might have gone over to Abbie's place?"

"I didn't want to worry them but I'll call if she isn't back in half an hour"

Olivia allowed Elliot to hang up, as she sat down on the couch and let her emotions overwhelm her. Nearly 20 minutes later her cell rang and she answered it immediately "Hello"

"Liv, its Abbie"

"Abs" Olivia breathed, hoping the brunette was about to tell her that Alex was okay and at her house. But what she heard was a different matter all together.

* * *

"Oh my god…no, no, no"

"Olivia, breathe. Alex will be okay, I promise. I'm on my way to get you, and before you worry, I'm using the Bluetooth headset. I need you to stay calm, I'll be as quick as I can"

It felt like a lifetime but almost 10 minutes after receiving the call, and once she had called Elliot to tell him that Alex had been found, Abbie arrived.

Olivia clung to her, startling the slimmer brunette but Abbie responded by rocking the detective slightly, and then pulling away "Come on, let's go see Alex"

"Is she really okay?"

Abbie nodded and then shrugged "Physically, she'll be fine, just a few bruises across her abdomen and torso but mentally, I think it's going to be a hell of a long road"

"What about the baby?" Olivia asked before clamping her hand over her mouth "I shouldn't have said that, shit"

Abbie's eyes widened "She's pregnant?"

Olivia nodded as fresh tears began to fall "She's going to hate me for telling you, she freaked something terrible when I told George"

Abbie shook her head, pulling the woman back into her arms "It's okay Olivia. She doesn't need to know I know, I won't say anything. Do you know what she's going to do?"

"She doesn't want it, but other than that, I don't know. We haven't really talked about it, I said we didn't need to right away"

"Olivia, the bruises across her stomach look self inflicted. Do you think she was trying to harm the baby?" Abbie asked gently as she led Olivia from the building and into her car

"I don't know" Olivia answered, shock and worry causing her brain and body to shut down "God, how did I not see?"

"Hey, this isn't your fault"

"How can you say that?" Olivia asked, explaining how she had found Alex the night before and how the blonde had been withdrawn and upset when they woke.

"Olivia, Alex is hurting, and it's going to take a lot of time for that hurt to subside, but you're helping, being there and letting her know you are there is all you can do. Have you seen anyone about how this is affecting you yet?" Abbie asked, knowing the answer

"No" Olivia began, but quickly added, after seeing the chastising eyes of the younger brunette glaring at her "I was going to call Dr Harrington today, but then…this happened"

"Liv, you need to talk to someone. I'm worried about you"

Olivia nodded but fell silent as they drove through Manhattan before arriving outside Bellevue. Abbie cut the engine, before opening the car door and exiting the vehicle. She sighed as she opened Olivia's door, realising that the brunette was not going to move unless prompted.

Once inside the hospital, Olivia began asking questions and when she was satisfied, learning that they had indeed done a vaginal ultrasound and that the baby was fine, headed towards the room where Alex had been placed. She was worried about how Alex would be feeling after having someone prod at her intimate regions especially with what she had endured during imprisonment.

Serena left as Olivia entered, the doctor following closely behind. When he had attempted to discuss the blonde's health earlier, Alex had refused to listen to anything he had to say but Serena had heard him mention 'the baby' and knew that she needed to give Alex and Olivia some privacy.

"Hey" Abbie said gently as Serena approached and engulfed her in a warm hug "You okay?"

The blonde nodded as she straightened before sighing and slumping into a chair in the visitors room "Yeah"

"How is she?"

"She won't talk" Serena explained "The doctor came in earlier, she's pregnant Abs, that bastard…!"

Abbie gently placed a hand on the blonde's arm, squeezing gently as she sat beside her "I know. She's going to get through this, we all are"

"I hope she lets Olivia in, I saw how drained she looked when she entered the room"

"I made Olivia promise that she'll call Doctor Harrington today. She said that she planned to anyway, and I called George to see if he could come assess Alex, I don't think another stranger would be beneficial for her at the moment, although I think she needs to see someone more permanently, on a daily basis"

Serena agreed, and the two women fell into a comfortable, if not slightly worrisome silence.

* * *

"Alex, you can't shut me out forever" Olivia said, slightly exasperated "I know you heard what the doctor said earlier, talk to me"

"I don't want it"

"The baby?" Olivia clarified, although she knew what Alex was talking about, she wanted the blonde to say it herself

"It's not a baby" Alex spat, before she shook her head "Sorry, I shouldn't take it out on you"

"It's okay. Alex, talk to me, about how you're feeling" Olivia pressed, gently but firmly

"I hate it. I know it's my…you know, but it's his too and…I'm scared. I just don't want it" Alex said, although she realised she wasn't really giving an explanation

"It's okay to be scared, that's normal. For all first time mothers"

Alex lifted her head, tears shining in her eyes "They did a vaginal ultrasound"

"I know, and I know it must have been horrible for you…"

Alex began sobbing at the brunette's words, and Olivia slid closer to the blonde, taking her hand gently "Let it out Lex, I'm here"

Alex lifted her head "I want an abortion, today"

Olivia wanted to argue that Alex couldn't possibly know what she wanted, that she shouldn't be making decisions like this but she knew that the reason Alex was here was because she had tried to harm the life growing inside of her

"Alex, you don't have to make any decisions at this precise moment. How about we go home, relax and we can talk about it in a few days?"

"I'm not going to suddenly change my mind Olivia, I just want it gone. I know the trial starts in a week, and I don't need this…" she clarified by motioning across her stomach "to get out, or to have to deal with it on top of everything"

"Please, just don't make a decision until you've really thought about it" Olivia urged. While she would never pressure anyone into keeping a child they didn't want, she was still torn with the fact that she herself came from rape and knew that despite her Mother's alcoholism, she was loved even if it was hard to accept at times. She just wanted to make sure Alex was certain before any definite plans were made.

Alex nodded, not having the energy to fight but still adamant that she wouldn't change her mind.


	26. Chapter 26

**This is a short chapter, which means that I'll probably update again later this evening, depending on how much of the story I get written during the day. I am working on chapter 39 of the story, would like to at least get another 5 or 6 chapters written today, but I'll see how I go. **

**I thank you all for your reviews, you may be surprised with how the events turn out over the next few chapters and I warn you that things to get tougher before they begin to improve, but lighter moments are coming, just be patient.**

**TRIGGER WARNING **

Chapter 26

Two days had passed since Alex had been hospitalised, she had come home with Olivia but things were still fragile and both women felt they were teetering on the edge of their emotions.

Olivia had finally made an appointment to see Doctor Harrington, and George was scheduled to arrive to see Alex sometime during the afternoon. Olivia wanted to ask him whether Alex needed to see someone else but knew that Alex had somewhat opened up to the man, he was a friend and some sort of normality and comfort was better than anything else.

Abbie wanted to go over Alex's statement one more time but Olivia had told her outright that it wasn't going to happen. She had reservations regardless and wished beyond anything that Alex didn't have to testify.

They hadn't spoken anymore about the life inside Alex but the blonde was well aware of it, she had wanted to tell Olivia to make an appointment at the abortion clinic but as they sat in the bathroom, on the cold tiled floor, the blonde heaving into the toilet once again, she didn't have the energy to have the conversation any time soon.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked gingerly, she couldn't imagine how it felt to throw up constantly all because of a new life that you so desperately wanted to end.

"Sick" Alex managed a weak smile as she lifted her head only to groan and return it to the basin

Olivia ran gentle circles across the blonde's back, hoping to soothe away some of the ache of being hunched over. After another bout of coughing, Alex slumped against the brunette, tiredly running her hand through strands of matted hair.

"I need a shower" she murmured to herself

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, picking up on Alex's words. Since the ordeal with Carlson, Alex hadn't expressed any desire to take a shower, and Olivia's mind flew back to the panic attack the blonde had had at the mere mention of one

"I can't live my life being scared to take a shower Olivia, as much as I love a bath, showers are just quicker and more effective"

"Are you okay on your own?"

Alex raised a brow in question "What are you going to do, join me?"

Olivia nodded seriously as she looked directly at the blonde "If you need me to, then yes"

Alex smiled gratefully, obviously pondering the question before shaking her head "I have to do this"

"I'll be in the bedroom, call if you need me"

Alex nodded but Olivia held her hands tightly as she said sternly "Promise"

Alex nodded again, this time, her voice breaking as she whispered "I promise"

* * *

Nearly 10 minutes later, Olivia heard a crash and then the voice of her girlfriend obviously distressed "Olivia!"

Olivia shoved open the door and pulled a shaking Alex from the shower, it seemed she had fallen and Olivia wasn't sure if it was because of a flashback or something more serious. She checked the blonde for any signs of bleeding, relieved not to see any, she grabbed a towel and covered the blonde.

Pulling Alex down with her she sat on the bathroom floor, holding Alex to her chest "You're okay, you're okay" she soothed

"I…he…I thought…" Alex attempted through chattering teeth, her body slipping into shock but also feeling the effects of the cold air around them

"Shh, don't talk now. Let's get you warmed up" Olivia said gently, helping Alex up and into the bedroom.

Alex tensed as Olivia removed the towel, she attempted to cover her body but Olivia gave a reassuring smile before whispering sincerely "You're beautiful. Don't hide from me"

Alex didn't respond but she allowed Olivia to dress her before the brunette shrugged out of her wet clothes and found a clean pair of sweatpants and t-shirt to wear.

Once they were comfortable, she laid Alex against her on the bed, soothing the blonde into sleep.

It was a short time later when they both woke to banging on the door "Olivia! Alex!"

Recognising the voices of both Abbie and Serena, the brunette climbed from the bed, gently murmuring to Alex to rest before she headed to the door. Pulling it open she glared at the two women "We were asleep"

"And we were worried. We'd been trying to call you all morning but both you and Alex weren't picking up" Serena explained

"Sorry" Olivia said gently stepping aside to let her friends in "It's been a rough morning"

Abbie and Serena watched as Olivia slumped into the couch running her hand through her hair.

"You okay Liv"

"Yeah" Olivia managed a smile "I better go tell Alex it's you two"

"I already guessed" Alex said as she entered the room, hugging both Serena and Abbie which caught them both of guard "How are you both?"

"We're good" Abbie said with a smile before it faltered "We have news"

"Okay" Alex said, not liking where this conversation is going

"Somehow Carlson managed to get hold of word that you were in hospital and that you're pregnant" Abbie explained

Olivia felt Alex tense beside her before the blonde said "And…"

Serena looked across at Abbie and then both women looked at Olivia who was now beginning to get worried, more than she already was

"He thinks you're a danger to his child"

"His child!" Alex screamed "It isn't his child, he's a rapist, and a murderer and…"

"Alex, calm down" Olivia soothed, noticing how tense the blonde had become. The reaction had shocked the detective, but she was more worried about the quickening rate of Alex's breathing "Come on, take a deep breath"

Alex breathed in before gasping and beginning to cough, she held her side as she did so, wincing a little. Olivia motioned to Abbie for some water and when the brunette returned, she offered it to Alex, smiling as the blonde took a few sips, her breathing returning to normal.

"Better?" she asked taking the glass from Alex's hand and setting it on the table in front of them

Alex nodded before lowering her head a little "Sorry"

"It's okay" Serena said gently, speaking for the first time since Alex had entered the room "Alex, we'll support you whatever you decide"

"I'm not keeping it" she reaffirmed, before groaning "I need to lie down"

"You okay?" Olivia asked, noticing just how pale Alex had gotten, she reached to touch the blonde's forehead but stopped as Alex flinched and curled into a ball

"I feel like I'm gonna pass out"

"Abs, call for an ambulance" Olivia said as she noticed blood on the blonde's sweatpants.


	27. Chapter 27

**I know some of you had some questions, and hopefully this chapter answers some of them. Here's the next chapter. I managed to write a little but didn't get nowhere near as many chapters done as I hoped but the story is coming along slowly. **

Chapter 27

Olivia paced the waiting room at Bellevue ER, feeling as if this was becoming her second home. She was worried about the blonde but also the child she was carrying. She still hoped to change Alex's mind about having an abortion, but was beginning to think it was futile, mainly because Alex seemed adamant with her decision but also because she knew she really didn't have the right to say what she thought was best

"Family of Alexandra Cabot"

"We're here" Olivia said as she stopped pacing. Abbie and Serena both stood from where they had sat "How is she?"

"She's going to absolutely fine" he began before continuing knowing what the woman before him was going to ask "We haven't done an ultrasound yet, as Miss Cabot is only at the early stages of pregnancy and a vaginal ultrasound is all we can do. She's refusing to let us do it, and asked for you"

"Let me see her" Olivia said firmly, she knew how hard this would be for the blonde and wanted to be there if Alex asked.

Olivia was led into a room where Alex was lying on her back, tears slipping down her cheeks "I don't want to know, just get it out of me whether it's dead or not"

"Hey" Olivia said as she approached "You know they need to check first. I'm here, okay. Take my hand"

Alex reached the brunette's hand but closed her eyes, not wanting to see anything. Olivia felt the blonde tense as they inserted the tube into the blonde, she gently soothed with words of comfort until they heard a steady beating fill the room

Alex's eyes shot open as a tear escaped "Is that…?"

"A nice strong heartbeat" the doctor confirmed "Everything seems fine. It's not uncommon to have some bleeding early on during pregnancy, especially as you mentioned falling earlier and from your notes I can see you were hospitalised a few days ago with abdominal injuries. Stress and worry is another common cause, apart from the obvious has it been a stressful time for you?"

Olivia let out a slight chuckle at the question but nodded her head "You could say that". She watched Alex intently for a few seconds, the blonde was looking at the screen where a tiny blob could be seen, before turning back to the doctor

"So what now?"

"I'll get someone to talk to you about the abortion procedure"

Alex lifted her head "Can we wait?" she asked quietly, and Olivia was unsure if she'd heard correctly

"Alex…"

The blonde turned her head and caught Olivia's eyes "I think I need some time, can we talk when get home?"

Olivia nodded, but she felt a smile creep onto her lips as the doctor left, saying he'd bring the discharge papers.

* * *

"You okay?" Olivia asked, she had called George asking if he could postpone their session to the next day, she wasn't sure it was the best idea but she knew Alex wanted to talk about the baby and she wasn't going to let anything stop that

"Yeah"

"What are you thinking Alex?" she pressed sitting beside the blonde, she was careful to put space between them but relaxed when Alex shuffled closer

"I don't know. I thought I wanted an abortion but…" she began sighing slightly "it's a life. I just realised that, I know it's silly but before it was just a reminder of him and what he did to me but when I heard…it has a heartbeat, it's a life and who am I to stop it from having a life. I'm meant to be its Mother, a protector, and I can't. I'm so messed up, how would I take care of a child?"

"Alex" Olivia started, reaching for the blonde's hands and entwining their fingers "You are not messed up. You have been through something horrific that no human being deserves to go through, but you survived. You are so strong Alex, I see it, I know that today and the last few days have been the toughest and everything you've been through is still raw and it hurts. It hurts me too, but you would make a brilliant Mom to this child, I know you would. I promise, whatever decision you make, I will be right beside you. If you decide that an abortion is what you want, I will sit with you through it, I will hold you afterwards and I'd never judge you, if you want to give it up for adoption, I will sit beside you and help you choose a family, I will not judge you and if you decide that you want this child, I will raise it with you, if you want me to"

"Really?"

"Yes, I am here, whatever you decide. But it's your decision, you can talk to me and I will listen, I'll offer advice if you ask but I will never judge or force you into a decision you don't want"

"I love you"

Olivia smiled, it had been weeks since she'd heard these words from the blonde, and hearing them now brought tears to her eyes, she promptly brushed them away before smiling again

"I love you too"

Neither woman knew who moved first but they both sighed as their lips made contact. They explored tentatively, hands never leaving their sides, the kiss gentle and warm, reaffirming their love and honesty with one another.

When Alex felt the need for air arise she pulled back with a soft smile "Thank you"

"Anytime"

* * *

The evening was spent enjoying a home cooked meal. Alex had suggested that Olivia take a trip to the Wal-Mart for some supplies and while the brunette was hesitant, she realised that if they were to move forward, the blonde needed to be trusted and allowed control.

Now after consuming a delicious meal of pasta, chicken and vegetables, the two women were curled up on either ends of the couch watching a rerun of desperate housewives. Olivia had pondered on how to ask the blonde about the fresh cuts she had seen while at the hospital that morning.

"Lex"

"Hmm?"

"You're still cutting"

Alex tensed before she sighed "Liv…"

"I just…I want to know how I can help?" Olivia explained gently "I'm not angry, I just…I'm worried"

"It's not bad, Liv. I know I'm still doing it, I am trying…it is helping, talking to George"

"Can you talk to me, though?" Olivia asked "When you want to, can you tell me? I can hold you and you can talk if you need to but please, try not to hurt yourself. I can't stand seeing you do that"

Alex began to sob quietly, startling the brunette and making her feel guilty about pushing the subject.

"Lex…"

"I'll try" Alex says, and Olivia knows that's the close she's going to get to a promise "I'm sorry"

"Hey" Olivia said firmly "You don't need to apologise. I said I wasn't angry, just worried, okay?"

Alex nodded, although she was still crying softly "What's going to happen now?"

"About what?" Olivia asked gently, unsure of where the conversation was going and wanting clarification before she answered anything Alex was going to ask

"Carlson. I still don't know what I want to do about…this but would he try to force me into giving it up, or would he…I don't know what he wants"

"I don't know either. How about I call Abbie tomorrow, and she can see what she can find out? I know you're confused and that's okay but don't worry right now okay? You need to relax, don't stress out"

"Okay. Can you hold me?"

Olivia nodded, pulling Alex into her arms, both of them sighing at the comfort but neither woman halting their thoughts.


	28. Chapter 28

**Sorry for the wait, I have had a busy couple of days and just haven't been able to get on the laptop to post the next chapter. **

**I want to address a review I had from a guest, I understand that you would prefer if Alex has an abortion as I quote "that is much more realistic than her keeping the baby", I don't know what the statistics are, or if there are any studies cataloging them at all, I appreciate your thoughts and opinions as I do everyone that reviews. However, I do have a plot line to follow that was given to me by Wheelie91 and I am quite a few chapters ahead in writing the story so I won't be changing what I have written. **

**TRIGGER WARNING **

Chapter 28

"Alex?" Olivia called out into the living room as she reached the doorway, she had woken a little after five and realised that the blonde wasn't beside her. They had begun sleeping in the same bed, it had become a silent agreement between them and Olivia was pleased that Alex felt comfortable enough for this development.

Switching on the light, she noticed the blonde curled on the couch, shaking slightly. Alex didn't seem to be aware of her surroundings which worried the brunette as she approached cautiously.

"Lex"

"Don't…" Alex whispered as she looked up "Please"

Olivia stopped immediately, still concerned but respecting the blonde's wishes "I'll stay right here, talk to me"

"Please, I want to be alone"

"Uh uh" Olivia said shaking her head "I can't leave you like this"

"I'm scared"

The admission almost broke the brunette's heart "What are you scared of?"

"Everything" Alex choked out, desperately trying to hold in the tears threatening to fall "I'm scared that I won't be a good Mom, I'm scared that you're going to leave…"

"Hey" Olivia said firmly "I am not going anywhere"

"You'll get tired of me, and this…I'm a mess Olivia, look at me"

"I see a beautiful, strong, determined young woman, the same woman I fell in love with. I will never leave you, I promise"

"How?" Alex asked timidly "We were meant to be spending our first night together, I wanted so badly to make love to you, and now…how can you wait for me to be ready, what if I never am…I can't expect you to do that"

Olivia approached the blonde, holding out her hand which Alex hesitantly took, allowing Olivia to sit beside her "Things didn't go to plan and if you are never ready to take that step, then so be it. I love you, the person you are, this strong, independent, beautiful woman who makes my heart beat ten to the dozen every time she smiles. I love you, for you, not for sex. The intimacy we have, the emotional connection, that trust is far more important than anything physical. I'd love to make love to you, to show you how much you are loved and admired but I will never force you, never pressure you and I will never leave you, no matter how hard it gets. I am right here, always"

Alex sobbed at the brunette's words, allowing Olivia to pull her close. She gripped the brunette's nightshirt in her fists, scared if she let go then she'd lose the one woman that made her feel loved.

After a short time, Alex allowed her sobs to die down and sniffled before pulling away "I love you too"

Olivia smiled as she brushed a strand of hair from the blonde's face "And you, will make a wonderful Mom, I am sure of it"

"I still don't know if I want to keep the baby" Alex murmured "But I don't think I want an abortion. I couldn't end the life of my baby, however it was conceived…it isn't its fault"

Olivia nodded, she didn't want to influence the blonde's decision, she had promised to support it but it was Alex's choice to make. Alex stood and placed a kiss on the brunette's forehead "I'm going to try to take a shower"

Olivia was a little worried but didn't want Alex to think she was questioning her decisions "Would you like company"

Alex shook her head but then nodded "Please, don't look at me. I just…want you with me"

* * *

Alex stood shakily in the shower, she reached out her hand to grasp that of Olivia's, as the brunette switched on the shower head. Alex tensed, and closed her eyes but snapped them open as memories assaulted her. She took a steady breath before shaking her head and stepping out of the shower

"I can't do this"

Olivia didn't know whether she should push or allow Alex to try again another day, she was torn between wanting the blonde to overcome her fears and to keep her safe.

"You don't have to"

"I do, but I can't. Can you get me a towel?"

Olivia nodded exiting the shower after turning off the water and found a towel, handing it to the blonde, she had been careful not to let her gaze wander, respecting Alex's wishes but she couldn't help but notice more cuts lining the blonde's skin.

"Alex, your arm!"

Alex pulled her arm against her chest before sighing "Leave it Liv"

"They look deep"

"They're fine" Alex said firmly "Please, not now"

Olivia sighed but kept quiet as she reached for her own towel, wrapping it tightly around herself. Alex left the bathroom first and the brunette was unsure if she should follow. After a few minutes she decided she needed to get dressed as George would be over in a couple of hours.

The tension was obvious, after dressing in silence both women had sat down for breakfast. Alex nibbled at her croissant, aware that Olivia was watching with concern and lifted her head

"Stop watching me Liv"

"Sorry"

Olivia lowered her gaze back to the crossword she was trying to attempt but she couldn't settle.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

Alex sighed "Liv…"

"No, last night you said you'd try to talk to me but you didn't. Alex, please…don't shut me out. I want to help, I feel useless" Olivia explainsed, overcome with emotion and shocking both herself and Alex by bursting into tears

The blonde didn't know what to do or say, so she just let the brunette cry, hoping she'd stop but Olivia continued to cry, sobbing into her hands. Alex began to cry silently as she watched the one woman she loved more than anything break down.

After a few minutes Alex couldn't watch any longer and although hesitant she approached the brunette and crouched in front of the brunette. She lifted Olivia's chin and wiped the tears that had left tracks along her cheeks. She sighed in relief when Olivia gave a small smile

"I'm sorry. For not waking you, for not seeing how much I'm hurting you. For pushing you away, letting you in…I'm sorry for making you go through all this for me"

"Shh" Olivia said quietly "Don't apologise. I'm here, because I love you, and care about you"

"I had a nightmare"

"This morning?"

Alex nodded"It was more of the usual, you know. I should be used to them by now but they're so real, so…lifelike, it's as if I feel everything and I just want to feel nothing. I woke up, you were asleep, you had a smile on your lips Olivia. I couldn't wake you, I couldn't disturb what peace you'd found"

"You should have. I would rather be woken that have you hurt yourself Alex. Can I take a look? They're pretty bad Lex"

"I know"

Olivia hesitantly reached for the blonde, carefully rolling her sleeve up. The gashes hadn't begun to scab, the skin around the red and raised. It took all of Olivia's strength not to burst into tears again.

"I'm going to get the first aid kit. I see they're pretty clean but I think they need to be covered. I would say you need stitches but I think we can get away without, although you might have some pretty bad scars"

"Just another couple to add to my growing collection" Alex murmured, she wasn't angry, she wasn't deliberately trying to be rude but she was tired, of pretending, of everything.


	29. Chapter 29

**Thank you for the continued support on this story, much appreciated. This is my main focus as far as stories go, I seem to have come to a block with SVU stories recently, but I promise that my stories will be completed, it just might take a while to get any inspiration for them and therefore update. **

**TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter. **

Chapter 29

Alex sat opposite George later that morning, she had asked Olivia to give her some space and the brunette had been hesitant but agreed, she had arranged an appointment with the doctor that George had recommended.

"How are you feeling?" George asked

"Okay. Tired" Alex admitted, trembling slightly. She hadn't been able to stop the shakes since the man arrived, and they didn't seem to be easing any

"You still have nightmares?"

Alex nodded, her eyes darting around the room "I had another one last night, or this morning"

"Can you tell me about it?" George pressed, quietly aware of the blonde's hyper awareness

Alex shook her head "It's just flashbacks really, to things he did to me, and sometimes Olivia's there too"

"How?" George asked, noticing the blonde's breathing beginning to quicken "Okay, relax Alex"

"She's…laughing…sometimes. And then, then other times….she's being tortured….I can't get to her…I can't…"

George knew Alex was beginning to panic, he had noticed how distressed she seemed after she asked the brunette to leave and he wondered if it was such a good idea

"Relax. It's okay Alex"

"Liv…" Alex murmured into the air breathlessly

"Do you want me to call her?" George questioned, picking up his cell

"No!" Alex jumped from the couch before sighing and flopping back down "No, I'm okay"

"We'll not talk about the nightmares at the moment. Anything else you want to talk about?

Alex shook her head, still trembling slightly but spoke "I'm not having an abortion"

George is surprised by the news but doesn't let it show "That's…good?"

Alex shrugged "I don't know if I'm keeping it, I just…we were at the hospital and I heard the heartbeat…I couldn't do it. I was so adamant that it was what I wanted but then I heard its heartbeat. It was strong"

"Talk me through how you feel about it"

"I don't know. Olivia says she'll be there whatever I decide, she said she'd help me raise it if I chose to keep it. I'm scared though, what if I'm a horrible Mom?"

"I think you'd make a great Mother to any child Alex but are you considering it, as an option?"

"I don't know"

"What scares you most about raising this child?" George asked

"That I'll hate it, I guess. Liv says that she knows her Mom loved her, and that she drank because of the rape, not because of her but I know she had a tough childhood, I'm worried I'll turn into her Mom, or something worse"

"Why?"

"I wanted to kill my baby George! Isn't that enough cause to think that I can't do this?" Alex shouted, clenching her fists "I wanted to kill it"

"Abortion…"

"I don't mean abortion. I hit myself over and over because I just wanted it gone" Alex explained, although she knows George already knew this, they'd talked about it after Alex had come home from the hospital.

"You were in extreme stress Alex. You still are, your mind isn't processing rationally and that's normal" George tried to explain

"How can I take care of a child if I can't care for myself?"

"You'll manage. Alex, you're doing really well. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're trying to talk about this and I know you're in a dark place but you'll get through it. Olivia's here for you, we all are but you need not to force yourself"

"I tried to take a shower. I've tried a few times"

"How's that going?"

"It's not. I freak out" Alex said quietly, almost a whisper

"But you want to try, that's progress. Alex, you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Don't rush it"

* * *

That afternoon Alex and Olivia were cuddling on the couch. Alex had initiated the contact much to the brunette's surprise and Olivia was snuggled into the blonde's side while Alex held her loosely.

Olivia had been to see Doctor Harrington that morning but as yet hadn't approached the subject and Alex didn't want to push, she was just pleased that Olivia had someone to talk to. She had also spoken to Abbie and found out that Carlson wasn't going to try and seek custody of the baby, it turned out that he'd heard from a mate of his that worked as a porter and was on duty when Alex was brought in. The case had brought much media attention but it seemed that for now they were leaving Alex alone and for that everyone involved was grateful.

"Hey Lex"

Alex was startled from her thoughts by the brunette's gentle voice "Hmm?"

"Do you fancy taking a walk outside?"

Alex tensed before relaxing and then said quietly and honestly "I don't know"

"We don't have to go far. It's just that you haven't been out since…apart from the hospital trips we've had to take and when you went out yourself. It's not good for you, or me to be cooped up inside" Olivia explained, hoping that Alex would agree if only for a short while

"Not for long, please"

"I promise. We go as far as you say; you're in control here Lex"

A short time later the two women were strolling casually down the road. Alex had sought out the brunette's hand, and both women were relaxing and felt more comfortable than they initially expected.

"Thank you for making me do this"

Olivia stopped and turned to the blonde, making sure she had eye contact before she continued "I didn't make you do anything Alex. I would never force you into something you weren't okay with. All you need to do is say no and that's it, okay"

"I didn't mean…I meant, for suggesting it. I needed that" Alex explained "Liv, I know you'd never force me to anything, I know that"

"I just want you to get better Alex"

"And I will" the blonde said with determination, squeezing Olivia's hand and continuing to walk.

Olivia smiled sincerely, pleased that Alex seemed to be relaxing a little

"I'm proud of you Alexandra"

_Alex opened her eyes as she felt herself being hoisted into the air, she attempted to fight but her body was weak and her arms and legs felt heavy. "You're feisty this morning"_

_"Piss off" the blonde spat angrily, before whimpering as harsh lips pressed against her own_

_"You'll learn to respect me one day" she was told as she dropped onto the mattress. She felt a weight on top of her and once again attempted to hit out, her legs and arms hitting the air above her. Her co-ordination was useless as she felt herself being pushed further and further into the fabric beneath her_

_"Oh, you know I love it when you fight Alexandra"_

_"Don't call me that!"_

_"Why? I think it suits you perfectly. Defender of Man, kind of hot don't you think? _

_Alex refused to answer, instead she turned her head away, avoiding any eye contact._

_"You know, people called Alexandra, their usually domineering, I kind of like that in a woman you know. You like a good fight don't you, and you need exercise to fight of all this energy around you…I know exactly how to get you riled up…all hot and sweat…"_

_"Shut up!"_

_"Hmmm, what did you say?"_

_"I said shut up!"_

"Alex?"

"Shut up"

"Alex, it's just me"

The voice began to invade her memories, as Alex became slightly more aware of her surroundings. Feeling the concrete beneath her she realised she was sitting on the sidewalk, Olivia crouched beside her looking concerned but full of love.

"Liv?"

"Hey you…" Olivia said gently, not wanting to startle or unnerve the still trembling blonde "There you are"

"He called me Alexandra" Alex whispered "He talked about what my name meant…before he raped me"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not your fault" Alex said before noticing the crowd of people gathering, they were whispering and pointing "Liv, people are looking at me"

Olivia looked up and reached for her badge before holding it up "There's nothing to see here. Please, have some respect"

Slowly the crowd began to evaporate and Alex smiled wearily at the brunette "Thank you"

"You're welcome. You okay?"

"Can we go home?"

Olivia nodded as she helped the blonde to her feet and they made a quick but silent retreat back to the brunette's apartment. She vaguely registered Alex calling it home but chose not make a scene, pleased the blonde felt comfortable in doing so.


	30. Chapter 30

**(Re-uploaded)**

**Thanks again for the reviews on the last chapter and for reading it even if you didn't review :) **

**Trial time! I am sorry that I copped out on this but I am terrible at courtroom scenes and I know next to nothing about law especially in the states. Still, I hope you enjoy the chapter and I am sorry if I made any mistakes with anything. **

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Chapter 30

The rest of the week had passed and before either woman knew it, the day of the trial had arrived. The week had been more of the same, Alex continued to have nightmares, and the flashbacks seemed to have intensified but Olivia was able to calm the blonde down quicker than before. Alex had cut a few times, but she'd tried hard to talk to Olivia about it, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

Alex hadn't attempted to take a shower again, choosing to have quick baths instead. Although pleased that the blonde wasn't forcing herself to do things she wasn't ready for, Olivia was still concerned as Alex had withdrawn considerably over the past couple of days, refusing to go out, and to talk about the baby.

She was suffering with the morning sickness and found that she couldn't be around any strong smells as it caused her to feel nauseous.

Olivia was sitting in the gallery, Serena beside her as they listened to Abbie questioning Alex. The blonde had been strong, it was obvious that she was finding it hard but she had managed to keep her emotions in check for the most part. Abbie wasn't pushing, but she knew that when it was time for the defence to question her, he wouldn't be so gentle and Olivia was worried. They hoped for a quick trial, they had put Alex on the stand first, knowing that it was better to get this over and done with.

There had been speculation about how the trial was being conducted, as Abbie was a close friend of the victim and Liz was Alex's Godmother but they had managed to get around the road blocks. Alex was a well loved attorney and she had support from a lot of people.

Olivia felt Serena squeeze her hand and offered a small smile. She had found herself slipping into her own mind a few times, and she knew that the blonde beside her was worried about her and Abbie. Abbie had done well and Olivia was sure that things were okay with the slim brunette. She had talked intensively with the brunette over the past few days, wanting to make sure that she was coping. Abbie had assured her that therapy was helping and that she would talk to Serena if things began getting to her.

"You okay?" Serena asked gently noticing the brunette wasn't fully concentrating on the trial

"Yeah" Olivia sighed "I just want to be up there with her you know"

Serena nodded as they turned their attention back to the front of the court room. There was a lot of public interest in the trial and as a result the room was packed full of press. Alex had done well, but Olivia noticed the blonde was struggling to compose herself as Abbie finished her questioning. They had gone over Alex's statement, and although Alex had answered the questions with conviction, she had already had a flashback and now it would be turn for the defence to question her.

"Judge, May I request a small recess?" Abbie asked standing up, obviously noticing Alex's panic

Liz nodded banging her gavel and Abbie helped the blonde down from the witness stand, ushering her quickly out of the side door.

Olivia and Serena filed out of the hall, and quickly hurried to the room where Abbie had brought Alex. The blonde was struggling for air, and Olivia dropped beside her whispering soothing words.

"You're doing great" she said looking at the blonde firmly "I am so proud of you"

"I can't do this" Alex mumbled shaking her head "I can't. He keeps looking at me"

"He wants to scare you Alex"

"He's doing a good job because I'm petrified" Alex sighed "Liv, please. I want to go home"

"I know you do babe. You can do this. I'm right there, okay, look at me, not him" Olivia says firmly, stroking the blonde's cheek

Serena and Abbie watch as Olivia calms the blonde, wrapping her arms around the woman. They share a warm smile before Serena opens her arms, allowing Abbie to embrace her. Both sets of women stay this way before there is a knock on the door and Liz pokes her head in.

"Are you ready?"

Olivia looks at the blonde one more time before murmuring "You've got this Lex"

* * *

Olivia had held the trembling woman in her arms as they sat on the couch at Olivia's that evening. Serena and Abbie were sat opposite the two women, Serena in the armchair while Abbie balanced on the arm.

"You've done your bit now Alex, its over" Olivia soothed gently

"But it's not. I blew it. He's going to walk free because of me"

"It isn't your fault Alex" Abbie cut in "The defence was pushing you, you're in a fragile state of mind babe, the jury can see that"

Alex looked up at the brunette opposite her "And he used that to blow holes in my statement!"

"You were strong on that stand, you might not have felt it, but you were in control"

"I was a mess" Alex said defiantly, pushing away from Olivia

_Alex was trembling, she tried to concentrate on Olivia's face but she was forced to look at the defence attorney every time he spoke and she could see Carlson sneering at her. _

_"How can you be sure that Carlson Waverly raped you?"_

_"I know it was him" Alex said, trying to keep calm "He tortured me, he forced himself onto me, I couldn't fight back"_

_"You say he tortured you?"_

_Alex nodded, blinking harshly to stop the tears that were threatening to fall_

_"Then how can you be sure it was him that raped you"_

_"It was"_

_"But you were knocked unconscious, your words Miss Cabot, you said that he wanted to drive you crazy. Maybe he succeeded, maybe you aren't so certain it was him that raped you"_

_"It was" Alex cried "He raped me over and over, he raped me"_

_"Isn't it true that you can't recall certain parts of your ordeal?"_

_"Yes but…"_

_"But what Miss Cabot, how can you be sure that it was my client that raped you if you can't remember everything else that happened"_

_"It was him"_

_"Are you sure Miss Cabot?"_

_"Yes"_

_"But how can you be sure?"_

_"Because I know" Alex cried as her body shook, she wished it would end, she wanted to go home. _

Alex shook her head, clearing the memory before storming off down the hall "I'm going to lie down"

Olivia sighed; she wanted to go after the blonde but knew she needed some space. The defence had pushed, hard. Olivia had watched as Alex struggled to keep it together, every time she tried to explain, she was shut down, he badgered her and Olivia was angry that neither Abbie or Liz had done anything but she knew it wasn't their fault.

Carlson Waverly was entitled to a fair trial but Olivia couldn't help but think that it was futile. He had admitted to kidnapping the blonde, but nothing else, he had insisted that it was not his idea but that of Robert Leroy, and he was unable to defend himself. The Van had found traces of Alex's hair and fibres from the clothing she had worn but no prints were found, his or otherwise.

"What happens now?" Olivia asked as she looked across at the brunette

"Well, tomorrow the EMT that arrived on scene first will be on the stand, I'll ask about how Alex was found, and then she'll be cross examined by the defence. I can't see there being any problems there, it's pretty straightforward"

"Does Alex need to be there anymore?" Serena asked from beside Abbie

"No, I think the best thing now is for her to concentrate on recovering" Abbie explained which caused Serena to breathe a sigh of relief.

"She'll get through this" Abbie assured them "I know she's going to find things hard but he's going to prison regardless, he murdered two people. Homicide took that case and the evidence they have is pretty solid. I can't see him being found innocent"

"What about this case?" Olivia asked, already knowing the answer

"I don't know. He's pleaded guilty to kidnap. I think he knows he's screwed anyway. It's blatantly obvious that Alex was tortured and raped, but proving that it was Carlson is impossible. Look, whatever happens, Alex has told the truth, she's given her side of the story…I don't think the jury are going to forget that in a hurry. She did well up there, she was really brave but they could see the damage inflicted on her, mentally and physically"

"I can't believe they brought up the pregnancy" Serena said quietly

"I can" Abbie explained "They used that to try and make the jury doubt what happened"

"Do you think it worked?"

"I don't know" Abbie said honestly.

The three women continued talking for a while before Abbie and Serena decided to make a move. Abbie promised to call with an update after court tomorrow, and told Olivia to look after Alex and call if she needed anything.


	31. Chapter 31

**Not sure what was happening with the site yesterday, but it seems to be working alright now. Thank you for your kind words on the last chapter, glad that I didn't ****disappoint. **

**This is a short filler chapter, with a bit of fluffiness which is long overdue I know. **

**May get another chapter up later, if not will post it tomorrow morning, UK time. **

Chapter 31

"Alex, can I come in?" Olivia asked as she knocked on the door to the bedroom

"Yeah"

Olivia opened the door and approached the blonde gently, Alex was curled up on her side facing away from the blonde "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know. I'm relieved today's over but was it worth it?"

"You faced him Alex…"

"Don't tell me about closure Olivia. There's no proof that he raped me, we know that. The jury can't find him guilty on that charge and he's already admitted to kidnapping me. If anything he'll be found guilty of unlawful imprisonment"

"I never wanted this to go to trial Alex, you understand that. It wasn't my decision"

"You thought I was too weak?" Alex murmured, her eyes shining with fresh tears

Olivia took the blonde's hands in her own and shook her head "Never. You, darling girl are the strongest woman I know, I was just worried that's all. I didn't want him to hurt you anymore; I wanted to get you back"

"I never left, not really" Alex said as the first of the tears fell "I just strayed a bit"

Olivia smiled gently "I know. Alex, please, I didn't think you couldn't handle it, I just…I couldn't stand seeing you so hurt and scared. I kept telling Abbie not to make you do this, I knew you had to, I just wanted to protect you"

Alex nodded as she sat up, making eye contact with the brunette "I know. I just…I know why Abbie pushed on this but I wish that she hadn't…you know? And Liv, you do protect me. I feel safe with you"

"You are safe. It's over now Alex, whatever happens with the trial, he can't hurt you, at least not physically. Now, are you hungry?"

Alex shook her head "I'm tired"

"Then I'll let you sleep. Call if you need me okay, I'll be in the lounge"

"Okay" Alex murmured as she lay back down, curling herself into a ball "Thanks"

Olivia stayed for a few moments, gently stroking the blonde before she placed a light kiss on her forehead and exited quietly.

The brunette decided that she'd start dinner, even though Alex hadn't answered the question about being hungry, Olivia was and she knew Alex needed to eat. Deciding to go light, she took some vegetables and began cutting them up, she'd so a simple vegetable soup, hoping the blonde could at least eat some.

A few hours later, Alex appeared at the door "That smells good"

Olivia turned at the sound and opened her arms, letting Alex fall into them before placing a kiss on her head "I didn't know what you wanted but I guessed that this would be light enough and it's healthy, you need to look after yourself"

Alex nodded, she knew what Olivia was trying to do and she was grateful, she just didn't want to talk about the baby at all.

"Go and get comfortable, I'll bring you over a bowl"

Olivia watched Alex flopped down onto the couch and grabbed the remote, she stopped as she caught sight of herself on the screen. She had landed on a news channel and they were showing her exiting the court, shaking and crying.

"Alex, don't torture yourself" Olivia said as she noticed what Alex had stopped on and was watching intently, she took the remote from the blonde and switched off the television before Alex promptly burst into tears.

Olivia dropped beside the blonde pulling the woman into her arms and let her cry. She let the blonde release her emotions before hearing a sniffle, she pulled back a little, meeting the blonde's eyes before smiling "Hey beautiful"

Alex blushed as she moved a strand of hair from her face "I'm sorry"

"Shh. What did I say about apologising?" Olivia asked "Eh?"

"Don't"

"Exactly. Don't apologise for feeling, ever" Olivia said firmly before standing up and heading over to the island where she picked up the two bowls before returning to the couch "Now, eat up"

"Thanks"

Olivia accepted the blonde's thanks but chose not to make a big deal out of it. They ate in silence, and Olivia was relieved when Alex placed an empty bowl in front of her shortly after Olivia herself had finished

"That was nice" she said turning to the brunette with a smile "You're a wonderful cook Liv"

"Oh, I don't know. It's nothing much"

Alex lent forward and placed a finger on the brunette's lips "Shh. Take the compliment"

Olivia smiled through the blonde's fingers, before catching her hand gentle and placing small kisses on each of her fingers "Thank you"

Alex felt the tears in her eyes and before she really thought about what she was doing she had captured the brunette's lips in a gentle kiss. It didn't last long but both women let out a sigh as they parted and not wanting to break the moment, they rested their foreheads together before Alex whispered "I love you Olivia"

"I love you too" Olivia replied pulling Alex into her arms "You don't know how much"

"Tell me"

"Huh"

Alex chuckled lightly, her heart felt warm and full for the first time since the ordeal "Tell me how much you love me"

Olivia smiled as she placed a kiss to the top of the blonde's head "More than I've ever loved anybody"

"Why?"

Olivia released her hold on the blonde, and looked intently at Alex "Why not? You're smart, so incredibly smart, you're strong, you know exactly what you want and how to get it…"

"I was…"

"Shh" Olivia said firmly "I'm talking, you are strong , you're brave, honest, and you've got the biggest heart. You're fearless and beautiful. So beautiful, inside and out but most of all, I love you because you're you, because you make me feel, you make me feel loved and needed, and I need you just as much"

Alex had tears dripping along her cheeks at the brunette's words, she placed her hands on Olivia's cheeks and drew her in for a deep kiss. Their lips moved against each other, gently, but with a passion that lingered below the surface until they felt the need for air. As they parted Alex smiled warmly and allowed Olivia to pull her into a hug.


	32. Chapter 32

**Apologies for not getting this chapter up last night or this morning, it's been a busy day. My sister and her 3 boys are finally moving out into their own place after two years living with me and my parents, so we've all been busy helping moving stuff and I was helping look after the baby, so only just been able to get to the laptop. **

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF RAPE etc**

Chapter 32

Olivia watched as the blonde fidgeted on the couch later the next day, it was obvious by the blonde's posture that she was worrying about the trial but Olivia knew that she needed some space and so instead of sitting beside the blonde she took the seat opposite.

"You okay Lex?"

Alex nodded before she shook her head, seemingly trying to clear her thoughts and sighed "How do you think it's going?"

"Abbie said she'll phone when she gets a minute. Stop worrying about it okay, do you want me to put the television on?"

Alex shook her head "I want to go for a walk"

Olivia smiled before asking "You sure?"

Alex chuckled lightly "Not really but I can't sit here thinking all day and I know you need to get some more groceries"

"I can always phone Elliot for that"

"Have you spoken to him lately?" the blonde asked, but what she really wanted to know was how much he knew about how she was coping.

"He text me this morning, he's going to be called in by the defence"

"They want to try to discredit the case because of the lack of evidence" Alex mused, and Olivia realised they were straying back to the topic they were trying to avoid

"Lex…"

"I know, I know but it's just hard not to worry about it. I know that it's unlikely he'll be found guilty and part of me is okay with that but the part of me that's a prosecutor wants to get justice"

Olivia nodded in understanding "Right now, you forget about being a prosecutor okay, you just be Alex, not ADA Alex…you know?"

"You can say it Olivia, my name is Alexandra. I have to get used to it"

"I don't want to send you into a flashback"

Alex smiled at the brunette's concern "You won't. Come on, let's go out. I'll be alright, I did pretty well last time"

Olivia nodded, unsure of whether Alex should be pushing herself but knowing that she needed to start getting back to normal.

* * *

Alex laughed as she watched Olivia speed down the aisle with the shopping cart, she had embraced the fresh air and she felt relaxed and carefree, she knew that it wasn't going to magically change overnight, she knew that she still had a long way to go but it was moments like this that she realised that things were gradually getting better.

The brunette stopped and turned, smiling warmly at the smile on Alex's face as she sped back to the blonde, screeching to a halt beside her "I love seeing you smile Alex"

"I love smiling too" Alex replied with a chuckle "Now, what else do we need to get"

"Is there anything you fancy" the brunette asked tilting her head slightly in question

The blonde thought for a moment before nodding "Cheese, and pickles"

Olivia wanted to ask whether this was a craving but didn't want to spoil their good mood, while Alex hadn't mentioned the baby Olivia had often seen Alex rubbing her still flat stomach, seemingly in thought but Olivia hoped that the blonde was at least thinking about her options.

"Cheese and pickles it is then"

Alex laughed, her hand automatically reaching for Olivia's as they continued their shop.

After they paid Alex suggested that they take the groceries home before taking a walk through Central Park. She was feeling pretty relaxed and wanted to try to do as much as possible. Olivia was worried that Alex would find it too difficult being around a lot of people, she had noticed how the blonde tensed when she passed a male in Wal-Mart and didn't want the blonde to go into a flashback again.

Once they dropped off the groceries, Olivia asked "Are you sure you're ready for this? You did brilliantly and I don't want you to push yourself"

"I want to try. Olivia, I promise, if I find it too much we will come home. I'm fed up of being scared, I want to be able to say I did this"

"Okay, but we'll not stay out long. George is coming later and we both need to eat"

* * *

They didn't make it to the park. George called and asked if he could come earlier than planned due to unforeseen circumstances. Olivia was pleased as she could tell that Alex was struggling even though the blonde insisted she was fine.

"Hey Alex, you look really well" George greeted as he entered the apartment

"I feel it too" the blonde replied with a smile "We've been grocery shopping today and we were going to go to the park before you called"

George looked at Olivia with questioning eyes and the brunette smiled in return before excusing herself. Alex had been more comfortable with the doctor recently and Olivia was less worried about leaving them to talk.

"So, you went out?" George prodded turning back to the blonde who had sat down on the couch

"Yeah, just to the Wal-Mart"

"How did that go?"

"It was good. I didn't have any flashbacks, although I'm still wary of the male presence" Alex explained with a sigh

"That's really good, however I don't want you to push it okay. Maybe if you do go out, no longer than half an hour, build it gradually"

Alex nodded in understanding "I wanted to go to the park and we were on our way but I was nervous, I think Olivia was pleased you called"

"Sorry I had to change our plans. So, how are things in other areas?"

Alex spoke about the trial and her worries and concerns surrounding how she'll react when the verdict comes in, she'd resigned herself to the fact that it was unlikely he would be found guilty of rape but she wasn't sure whether she minded or not.

"What about the baby, have you thought anymore about what you're going to do?"

Alex shrugged, diverting her gaze "I haven't really decided anything yet, I'm trying to work out how I feel. It's my baby, you know and I thought I was going to hate it, but when I heard the heartbeat, part of me understood that immediate bond"

"You don't have to make a decision immediately. Have you spoken to Olivia about it?"

"No, I don't know how. I don't want her to think I'm belittling her own conception, I know she's overcome that and I don't want her to…I'm just worried about how she'll react"

George furrowed his brows "She said she'd be there no matter what you decide, right?"

"Yeah but…"

"No buts Alex, she loves you and she'll love this child. The decision is yours, no one else's but remember that you have a support system, you have Olivia and you have Abbie and Serena and they'll support you whatever you choose"

"I'm scared that I won't be able to deal with a child…"

"Parenthood is hard, for everyone, regardless how they conceived Alex but like I just said, you have a support system. Are you considering raising the baby?"

Alex shrugged before sighing "I guess. I just don't know if I can, I'm still cutting, and I still have nightmares and flashbacks"

"When was your last flashback?" George asked, steering from the topic at hand, he wanted to reassure Alex that she had a choice and she's stronger than she realises.

"Yesterday, on the stand"

"Yet you went out today and got through it, it's understandable that being pushed to talk about what happened will send you into a flashback but you're dealing with everyday tasks a lot easier"

"I suppose"

"When did you last harm yourself?"

"A couple of days ago" Alex murmured, she was ashamed that she'd turned to self harm, she always told herself that after seeing what Abbie went through she'd never feel the need to do that to herself but she realised how easy it was to start and how hard it was to stop

"Are you talking to Olivia about the urges?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. It helps, although sometimes the urge is still there and it doesn't stop"

"But you're working to get better. Alex, I have no doubt that by the time this baby is born, you'll be in a better place, mentally. I can see how much you want to get better and that's the first step, you're taking the necessary steps but remember, it's important not to rush everything at once"

Alex nodded, she wasn't sure what she was meant to say, she wanted to believe that she'd get better but sometimes it felt that hoping was futile.

"Don't be discouraged if you stumble okay, it's natural and normal for what you're going through. I'll be back tomorrow"

"What else can I do George, to help overcome the flashbacks?"

"Tomorrow we'll talk about the triggers we've already identified" George explained "Now, tonight I want you to talk to Olivia a little about your fears surrounding the baby, as much as you are comfortable with, don't push yourself"

Alex nodded, feeling a little more confident about the future than she had done in the past days.


	33. Chapter 33

**Next Chapter for you. **

**Hopefully I can get the next one up on Wednesday. Thank you ALL for your kind reviews as always**

Chapter 33

Olivia opened her eyes as the light shone through the gap in the curtains; she turned her head and smiled at the blonde beside her who had already woken

"Morning" Alex greeted, returning the smile

"Hey" Olivia whispered, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Alex's lips "What time is it?"

Alex turned to glance at the clock "Just gone nine"

"We slept right through" Olivia observed as Alex sat up and stretched

"Yeah, we did" she responded as she lifted the duvet and climbed from the bed

"Great" Olivia said quietly before widening her eyes "Alex! We slept through; you didn't have any nightmares, right?"

Alex turned and grinned at the brunette "Not one"

Olivia jumped from the bed, and went to embrace the blonde but stopped, unsure whether Alex would welcome the contact.

"Come here" Alex whispered, opening her arms, allowing Olivia to embrace her tightly. She felt the tears begin to well before she pulled back and tried to hide them

"Hey" Olivia said gently "What's wrong?"

"I don't know" Alex replied sniffling "I guess I'm just overwhelmed"

Olivia nodded "Do you want me to give you a minute alone?"

Alex shook her head, wiping her eyes before smiling "Nope. I want breakfast with my beautiful girlfriend"

Olivia decided that breakfast would be a healthy affair; she chopped some fresh fruit and made pancakes, setting them in front of the blonde before sliding in beside her with her own plate.

"What would you like to do today?" Olivia asked, wanting Alex to have free reign of any plans to feel in control

"George is coming over around lunch time" Alex explained "He wanted me to talk to you about the baby and how I feel, I was meant to do it last night but I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep"

"Okay"

"I'm going to have a quick wash and then can we talk?" Alex asked hesitantly

Olivia nodded as Alex stood from the couch and headed into the bathroom. Olivia smiled at the blonde's retreating form, Alex seemed so much more relaxed now that her part of the trial was over and she hoped it was a sign of things to come.

* * *

Olivia waited, watching the blonde who was fiddling with the bottom of her shirt. She wasn't going to push Alex to talk, she had learnt that if Alex was going to open up, she'd do so in her own time.

"I love my baby Olivia"

Olivia smiled, pleased that Alex had started on a positive, she reached to stop the blonde's movements, causing Alex to sigh and relax a little.

"I'm scared of being a Mom. I always wanted children, and I was confident that I'd love any I had, and that I'd do my best to raise them but now…I do love this baby but I'm scared that I'll only ever see that man"

Olivia understood, she couldn't imagine how it would feel to see the worst day of your life reflected in something so innocent but she understood, she was that something innocent.

"Alex, the difference between you and my Mother is simple. You have support, you have me, you have Elliot, Abbie, Serena, Liz, George, you have love and hope. My Mom didn't. Her parents disowned her, she was alone, with me and she couldn't cope but you, you're strong"

"I want this baby" Alex murmured "I'm just scared that I won't be ready"

"You still have time to decide"

Alex nodded before sighing "Can we just watch a movie or something? I don't really feel like going out at the moment, Abbie hasn't called"

"She will. If there was a problem, she would have called. I'm sure things are going okay"

"I've come to terms with the fact that he's probably going to get off and I know I didn't really want it to go to trial but I am glad that I was able to give my part of the story. If at least one of the jurors believed me then I'm okay with that"

"I think many of the jurors believed you, if the verdict comes back not guilty, then it's only because of the lack of evidence. You know that Lex"

Alex nodded before jumping from the couch "Okay, so a movie. What would you like to watch?"

Olivia was thankful for the change of topic although she herself had wondered why Abbie hadn't yet called. Deciding that she'll ring the brunette while Alex was talking to George, Olivia forced herself to concentrate on the movie.

"You pick Lex, I don't mind"

Alex ended up choosing 'The Proposal', and the two women watched the film quietly. Olivia was pleased to see Alex relax almost immediately, snuggling into Olivia's side, one hand flat on her stomach.

* * *

Olivia dialled Abbie's cell number, as she sat down on the bed. Alex was talking to George, but she could tell the blonde was wondering about how the trial was going.

"Carmichael"

"Hey Abbie, its Liv"

"Oh hey, I'm sorry I didn't call last night. I was shattered and me and Serena fancied a quiet night in you know"

"That's okay. I'm glad you didn't call actually. Alex had a really good day, we went grocery shopping and she was so much more relaxed and we had a nightmare free night as well"

"That's brilliant"

Olivia heard the warmth in the brunette's voice but she could also tell that Abbie was hiding something.

"What aren't you telling me Abs?"

"We've finished the cross examinations. The jury is deliberating, I don't whether Alex should be here"

Olivia sighed "I think she'd want to be there. She said she's come to terms with the fact that it's unlikely he'll get convicted for rape but I think she'll want to hear it in person. George is here at the moment, and I've already heard Alex crying"

"I'll see if we can put it off until tomorrow"

"Thanks Abbie. How are you doing?"

Olivia heard the brunette ADA sigh before she responded "I'm alright. It was hard watching the video again, I know the jury were really shocked but like the defence said, it proves nothing apart from the fact that she was raped, we can't see it was him. He doesn't deny having sex with her, he knows that it's his baby but he says that it was consensual"

"But she had injuries consistent with rape"

"Like I said, we know, and they know that she was raped but her injuries could have caused by anyone, it comes back to the fact that we can't prove that HE raped her. There was no semen found in the rape kit, with all the water torture he inflicted on her the evidence we might have had was washed away"

Olivia nodded, even though Abbie was unable to see before she let out a heavy sigh "Call me later Abbie, I'll see what she wants to do"

"Alright, will do. Send her my love"

Olivia smiled as she promised the brunette she would before disconnecting the call. She could hear Alex crying down the hall but knew that George would call if there was a problem.


	34. Chapter 34

**Here we go with the next chapter, more of a filler but regardless, hope you enjoy.**

**TRIGGER WARNING for talk of rape, nothing overt though. **

Chapter 34

Alex sniffled as she came out of the flashback; she took a deep breath and gave George a small smile, she then sighed "That was intense"

"You did really well Alexandra"

Alex froze before she shook her head and took another deep breath; she looked up at George and smiled "Thanks"

"Knowing what your triggers are will help in the long run. We've already identified a couple and I can see that you're working to control your breathing and concentrating on something else and not the trigger. That's good. Flashbacks are inevitable but in time they will reduce, you'll be able to stop them before they take hold, and our end goal is to not have any at all but that's a long time down the line Alex"

Alex nodded "You're going to want me to talk to Olivia about the triggers, right?"

George chuckled and nodded "Yes, but I also want you to face your triggers with Olivia. We discussed taking a shower, and I know you've tried a couple of times, but what I want you to try is standing outside the bathroom when the shower is running, listen to the running water for as long as you can and let Olivia stay beside you, if you feel as if a flashback is starting, remove yourself from the situation, so tell Olivia. Gradually work your way up, so stay longer, and move closer, into the bathroom and then beside the shower, take it slowly but don't be discouraged by any flashbacks. Do you think you can do that?"

"I can try, right?"

George smiled and nodded"Alex, you're doing really well. I'm afraid our time is up. I'll come see you in a couple of days okay, give you some time with Olivia to work through this"

* * *

"Hey babe"

Alex smiled at the brunette as she sat down beside her, Olivia offered her arms for a hug which Alex accepted, she revelled in the warmth emitted from her girlfriend

"How did it go?"

"It was tough" Alex admitted "George wants me to try to face my triggers gradually. He suggested I start with running water. He wants me and you to stand outside the bathroom while the shower is running, for as long as I can manage"

"Okay"

Alex looked up at Olivia, her brows creased "Liv, I need your support on this. I know it's hard and I hate that I have to ask, that you have to be here…"

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, I don't have to be here, I want to be, okay? I do support you, I'm just worried"

"I know" Alex sighed "But I have to do this, I want to be able to take a shower without being scared"

"So, I'll run the shower and then join you outside, is that all?"

Alex nodded "For now. He said to see how long I can cope, he doesn't want me to go into a full flashback if we can help it so if I feel one beginning, I have to let you know so you can take me away from the situation"

"When do you want to try?"

"Maybe this evening" Alex suggested "I need to call Abbie"

Olivia took a breath "I called her while you were talking to George"

Alex could tell that Olivia was struggling with what to tell her so she asked "Well, how's it going? Olivia, don't hide things from me, I can take it"

"The jury is deliberating. Abbie said she'll try to postpone to tomorrow. Do you want to be there for the verdict?"

Alex shook her head "I can't see him again Olivia, especially as I know he's likely to get off"

Olivia was a little taken back, she had expected Alex to want to be there "It's up to you Alex. I just thought you'd want to see it through"

Alex sighed "I do. But I don't think I could cope with it Liv. I just want it to be over"

Olivia nodded as she squeezed the blonde in her arms "Do you want to go for a walk, clear your head a bit?"

Alex shook her head "I just want to sit here with you, is that okay?"

"Of course" Olivia said as she placed a kiss to the blonde's forehead.

Less than five minutes later, Olivia was startled out of her thoughts by a gentle sob coming from the blonde beside her.

"Hey" she whispered "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" Alex hiccupped "I'm just being silly"

"Hey" Olivia said, touching the blonde's cheek causing Alex to lift her head a little "Talk to me"

"I feel wet" Alex almost whispered

Olivia realised she had rubbed her hand up and down the blonde's thighs, it had been a subconscious action, but noticing how uncomfortable it had made Alex she felt guilty "Sorry"

Alex shook her head before speaking firmly "No, don't apologise. I'm just relieved"

"Relieved?" Olivia asked, slightly confused

Alex nodded as she sniffled again "I didn't know if your touch would turn me on, I thought I'd feel him"

"How do you feel?" Olivia questioned hesitantly

"I don't know" Alex admitted before sighing "At first it was nice, you know, like how we used to be. I was thinking about you and how gentle you are and then I realised I was wet, I know you weren't really doing anything but it was giving me chills"

"I didn't mean to upset you"

"You didn't. Olivia, I've tried to deal with that part since it happened, you know, he made me…he made me cum and I know that's just my body responding but we haven't spoken about being intimate, not properly. George keeps talking about my triggers but sex is a trigger, it will be and I don't know how I'm meant to deal with that"

"Patience Alex, you do what you feel you are ready for. There is never a set time for when you'll be ready to start trying, but I'm here and I'll wait for you. Do you feel pressured?"

Alex shook her head "No. Olivia, I know you're willing to wait until I'm ready but I don't know when I'm meant to start trying"

"When you feel ready, that's when"

Alex nodded "I can't do normal things, like take a shower, how can I be ready for something completely new between us?"

"By talking about how you feel, by giving yourself time, not putting pressure on yourself"

"I just want to be normal. I love you Olivia, I was ready to take our relationship to the next level and he ruined it. Our first time will be tainted by what he did to me because I don't know how I'm going to react. I wanted it to be special"

"And it will. Alex, we don't have to jump right into sex. We take it slowly, we can start from the beginning. I already told you before that I'd be happy with you regardless of how long it takes and even if we never make love, I'll still love you. You set the pace okay?"

"Kiss me"

Olivia shook her head "Alex…"

"You said I set the pace. I just want you to remind me what it feels like" Alex murmured as she leant forward, her lips millimetres from the brunette

Olivia was unsure, yes, they'd kissed since Alex had been rescued, but she didn't want the blonde to push herself too hard.

Deciding to go slow and allow Alex to set the pace she placed her lips gently on the blonde's. Alex pushed forward, tangling her hands in Olivia's dark hair. She ran her tongue along the brunette's lips, and Olivia gasped, allowing Alex entrance. She felt Alex trembling and broke the kiss gently, cupping Alex's cheek in her hand.

"Shh" Olivia soothed pulling the blonde into her arms, rubbing circles across her back

"I love you" Alex choked out

Olivia smiled, placing a gentle kiss on Alex's head "I love you too"

"Don't let go, please"

"I've got you" Olivia murmured, feeling her own tears begin to fall.


	35. Chapter 35

**Sorry for the delay in posting, I was at work yesterday morning. My nephews are over today but while the****3-year-old****is sleeping I'm posting this chapter and I am going to post the next as well, as tomorrow I am out all day and then on Monday I am back at work****full-time, I may get to update Monday evening but not sure. This and the next are short chapters too. **

**TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter (Mild self harm reference at end of chapter)**

Chapter 35

Olivia watched as Alex picked at the dinner that she had prepared. The blonde looked anxious and the brunette knew she was fretting over the task that she had been asked by George to try.

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

"Nothing really, I…" Alex began but seeing the disbelieving look on her girlfriends face she sighed "I'm just nervous"

"Can I try something to relax you?" Olivia asked as she stood and offered her hands to the blonde. Alex took them and stood, allowing Olivia to lead her into the lounge. Once Alex was seated on the couch Olivia knelt in front of her before saying "If you feel uncomfortable at anytime, tell me okay and I'll stop"

Alex nodded before murmuring "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to give you a massage, is that okay? I'll stay over your clothes, and if you need me to stop I will"

Alex nodded as she let out a breath. Olivia moved so she was sitting sideways on the couch, Alex between her legs. The blonde tensed when she felt Olivia's hand on her shoulders but began to relax as the brunette continued her ministrations, gently kneading the blonde's shoulders. She placed gentle kisses on the blonde's neck, feeling her tense before sighing.

"That feels good"

"You okay?" Olivia asked in consideration, pausing to give Alex the opportunity to answer

Alex nodded "Yeah. It's nice"

Olivia continued, her breath hitching when Alex let out a gentle moan and decided to stop, she didn't want to cause Alex discomfort or make her uncomfortable.

"You okay?"

Alex sighed before nodding "Yeah. Thank you"

"You still hungry?"

Alex shook her head "Not really. I'll have something later. I want to try doing what George suggested"

"Are you sure?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. If we get it over with I can relax better"

Olivia nodded as she stood "I'll go run the shower and I'll come and get you"

Alex nodded as she allowed Olivia to exit the lounge. She took a deep breath hoping she could manage this.

* * *

"Ready?" Olivia asked as she entered the lounge. Alex was nervously leaning against the couch but she nodded and gave a small smile.

Olivia offered her hand which Alex took and allowed Olivia to lead her towards the bathroom. They stopped a few steps away from the door and Alex took a deep breath. She allowed Olivia to keep hold of her hand, and the brunette squeezed it gently.

Alex could hear the running water and was immediately assaulted with memories. She closed her eyes and squeezed Olivia's hand.

"You want to go?"

Alex shook her head as she opened her eyes "No, I'm okay. I was just remembering"

"How about we talk about something else to distract you?"

"Yeah, how are Elliot and the kids?"

Olivia chuckled "It seems Elliot's the main choice when trying to distract yourself from something. He's good, he said he'd like to see you when you're ready"

Alex smiled "That would be nice. The kids okay?"

"Yeah, they're getting really big now. Kathleen looks so much like Kathy"

"How is Kathy?" Alex asked, as she took a deep breath and closed her eyes

"She's fine" Olivia asked before growing concerned "You feel okay?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, just keep talking to me, please"

Olivia squeezed the blonde's hand, tugging her back a little "Hey. You're doing well, don't force yourself Lex"

Alex gasped as she shook, tears threatening to spill over "Can we stop? Please"

Olivia nodded as they made their way back to the living room "I'll just go turn the shower off"

Alex nodded as she sunk into the couch and started sobbing. She curled her knees up to her chest and that was how Olivia found her a few minutes later. "Hey, you did well"

"I'm just frustrated" Alex said through her tears "I wanted to last longer"

"Hey, you stood there for nearly 5 minutes Alex, it might not have felt that long but that's a good achievement" Olivia assured, she was proud of Alex and wanted the blonde to feel proud of herself

"I know" Alex murmured "I just…maybe I'm impatient but I just want to get better"

"And you will" Olivia said firmly "Just don't force it"

Alex nodded as she allowed Olivia to pull her into a hug, the brunette placed a kiss on Alex's forehead and after a few minutes she felt Alex's breathing change, indicating that the shattered blonde had fallen asleep. Olivia sat for a while afterwards lost in her thoughts before sleep claimed her too.

* * *

When Olivia woke a short time later, she was concerned to find herself alone on the couch. Hearing clattering coming from the kitchen, she hurried towards the noise.

She stopped in the doorway and smiled when she saw Alex sitting at the table with a jar of pickles.

"Hey"

Alex lifted her head and blushed before lifting up the jar "I had a craving. I knocked some pans over"

Olivia laughed as she approached the blonde "Can I join you?"

Alex nodded before furrowing her brows "Did I wake you?" she asked

Olivia shook her head "Nah. What time is it?"

"Almost 9pm"

"Are you tired?" Olivia asked as she yawned herself

The blonde shook her head "You can go to bed if you're tired Olivia, I'll be in soon"

"Are you sure? I don't mind keeping you company"

Alex smiled warmly "I know but you're tired, I can tell. It's been a long day"

"You'll be in soon right?"

Alex nodded, waving her hand at the brunette "Promise. Now hop it"

Olivia laughed before blowing a kiss to the blonde. Alex pouted and puckered her lips causing Olivia to laugh. She shook her head and sauntered back to the blonde before leaning forward and giving her a gentle kiss on the lips.

Alex smiled before waving her hand again, she picked up a pickle and bit into it before smiling widely. Olivia laughed, glad to see the playful side of Alex returning.

Once Olivia had exited the room, Alex sighed. She moved the magazine that was laying open on the table, lifting it a little to reveal the tiny metal blade. She glanced at the door as she picked it up, turning it over and over in her hand.


	36. Chapter 36

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Chapter 36

Olivia woke a few hours later, she furrowed her brows as the cold sheets beside her. She glanced at the clock before climbing from the bed. She entered the kitchen and saw Alex asleep at the table. She furrowed her brows as she noticed Alex's cheeks were wet with tears. As she approached her heart started beating fast as she caught sight of the blade in front of Alex

"Alex" she said, her voice shaky as she took in the sight of the blonde

She carefully brushed a strand of hair from the blonde's face, causing Alex to murmur "Alex, wake up honey"

Alex squinted open her eyes, she smiled slightly at the brunette before her eyes flicked to the blade and back to Olivia, she hung her head, the guilt obvious on her features

"What did you do Lex?" Olivia asked gently, trying not to let Alex see how angry she was

"Sorry" Alex whispered

"No Alex. Don't you dare apologise. When did you do it?"

The silence told Olivia all she needed to know and she sighed before shaking her head "I should have known it was all a ploy. Were you just trying to get rid of me?"

"I'm sorry" Alex said again, she knew Olivia was mad and she had every right to be

"Save it for someone who cares" Olivia bit out before storming off.

Alex felt the tears welling and she let out a sob, covering her mouth. After a few minutes she got up and headed towards the bedroom, she knocked on the door and when she received no answer she pushed it open. Olivia was lying on her side facing the wall, it was obvious she was crying.

"I'm sorry" Alex said from the doorway

"Are you?"

"I'm sorry I upset you, yes" Alex said softly

"You should have said something Alex; I would have sat with you. Instead you acted as if everything was okay, you let me leave you"

"I…"

"Don't say you're sorry. You're not. You're sorry that I found out, but you wanted to cut, you didn't try and stop at all. I get that it's hard but you promised to talk to me when you felt like this"

"I'll call Serena. Maybe I can stay with them for a few days, get out your way"

Olivia sighed "Alex, wait. Don't. I'm sorry, I'm just worried"

"No, you're angry"

Olivia nodded "Yeah, a little"

Alex nodded "I'll phone Serena"

"They'll be asleep" Olivia said softly "Come here"

Alex turned and noticed tears slipping down the brunette's cheeks. She immediately rushed to the bed gathering Olivia in her arms "Hey, it's okay"

"I love you so much Alex. I can't do this. I can't watch you destroy yourself"

"What are you saying?" Alex asked, her voice cracking with fear "You said you'd never leave me"

"And I won't. I just…I can't pretend that everything's okay because it's not. I don't know how to help"

"I told you, you do help. Olivia, I am so sorry that I led you to believe I was okay, I'm sorry I pushed you away but I was hurting. It hurts in here" Alex said pointing at her chest as she began to cry,

Olivia sighed "I know. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to disappoint you"

"You could never disappoint me Alex" Olivia said firmly "Talk to me"

"I disappoint myself. I feel like I failed, that I'm a fraud. I'm meant to be prosecuting people like Carl Waverly, yet I let him break me. I let him inside here" Alex explained pointing to her head

"You didn't let him do anything Alex. He drugged you, he beat you and raped you. He nearly killed you. You didn't let him do anything"

"I should have fought harder" Alex said through gritted teeth, clenching her fists as she grabbed hold of her shirt

"No!" Olivia said forcefully, taking the blonde's hands in her own "You were beaten Alex. You didn't have the strength to fight back and that is perfectly okay. None of what happened is your fault. We've been over this"

"I just wish I tried harder you know"

"You tried your best and I am so proud of you. You survived Alex, you're here and I know that it's hard, but you have to keep fighting. He knocked you down but you're stronger than him" Olivia said firmly, looking into the blonde's eyes "You are going to get through this, don't let him win Alex"

"You're not going to leave me?"

Olivia shook her head "Never. I love you Alex and I'm going to be right here with you"

"Can you hold me while I sleep?"

"I will hold you forever" Olivia said as she pulled the blonde down beside her "Did you clean the cuts?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. Do you want me to show you?"

Olivia shook her head "No. I trust you"

"How?" the blonde asked

"Hmm?"

"How can you trust me? I lie to you Olivia, yet you're still here"

"Because I know deep down you don't mean to. I know you're ashamed Alex, but you don't need to be. Not with me, okay. I said I won't judge you and I mean it"

"Will you come with me when the jury give their verdict?" Alex asked

"I thought you didn't want to go"

"I don't. I don't want to be in there but I want to be at the courthouse. I want to give a statement to the press"

"Alex…"

"No, I want to do this Olivia. I know I gave my statement and those jurors may or may not believe me and I know the press have covered the case but I want them to know exactly what he did to me. If he's found guilty then that's brilliant, but we both know that it's unlikely. I need to get back my life, I need to be in control"

"If you're sure then I won't stop you, but I just want you to be certain that it's what you want"

"It is"

Olivia nodded as she placed a kiss to the blonde's forehead "Sleep then. I'm here"

Alex sighed as she snuggled closer to the brunette, closing her eyes, sleep came easily and so did the nightmares but when she woke a few hours later Olivia was there to comfort her, to tell her she was okay, and Alex believed it. She felt safe, Olivia was safe.


	37. Chapter 37

**Here we go guys. A short chapter for you unfortunately but will update again tomorrow evening. **

**(I do not understand how the US system work but have done jury service in the UK and with the lack of evidence they have regarding Alex's case, the fact that most of it is speculation, and not forensics, I did it this way. Sorry if it upsets anyone or they don't agree, your thoughts are welcome though)**

Chapter 37

"Are you okay?" Serena asked as she sat on the bench at the courthouse the next morning. Alex had been awake early, she had gotten herself ready and she and Olivia had arrived at the courthouse hours earlier. Abbie had arrived early to talk to Liz, and Serena had arrived a short time later.

Alex nodded as she looked at the blonde before her "Yeah. I'm just tired, didn't really sleep all that well"

Serena smiled as she offered her hand to the blonde who hesitantly took it "Do you want me to keep you company out here while they return the verdict?"

Alex shook her head but smiled warmly at the blonde "Olivia's going to stay with me, we'll be fine. You go and support Abbie for me"

"Okay. Olivia told Abbie you'd been doing well, so why do I not believe that at the minute?"

Alex sighed, Serena was always very good at picking up on things "I have good days and bad days, yesterday was a tough day. It was a bit up and down you know. It started off really good but George pushed hard. He gave me some homework, it went okay but I was annoyed. I felt I could have done better and things kind of went downhill. I pushed Olivia away, and she was angry at me"

"She was probably more worried than angry"

Alex nodded, not really wanting to talk about it "How's Abbie doing?"

"She's doing okay" Serena told her realising the change in topic

"She hasn't relapsed, has she?"

Serena shook her head "No. She's seeing her therapist and we talk about things. Did Olivia go to see someone?"

Alex nodded before sighing "Yeah but that was over a week ago. She didn't tell me how it went and as far as I know she hasn't got anymore appointments"

Serena furrowed her brows, she was worried that Olivia was carrying too much weight on her shoulders, she promised herself that she'd talk to the brunette when she got a chance

Abbie and Olivia approached the two blonde's before the former spoke "They're ready to announce"

"You sure you don't want me to stay?" Serena asked Alex one more time

Alex looked up at Olivia and when the brunette smiled she shook her head "Thanks Re but Olivia's going to stay with me"

Serena nodded, hugging Alex before pulling away "Remember, I'm proud of you whatever the outcome"

"Thanks" Alex whispered before watching Abbie and Serena walk away

"You okay?" Olivia asked, taking the blonde's hand in her own

Alex nodded before descending into silence.

* * *

It seemed like hours but Alex knew it had barely been half an hour before the doors to the courtroom opened.

Alex knew that it wasn't good news as soon as she saw Abbie and Serena. She took a deep breath and smiled at them as they approached "It's okay guys"

"I'm really sorry" Abbie said close to tears, causing Alex to stand and pull her into a hug

"You have no reason to be sorry Abbie, you've done so much for me and I am forever grateful. It was a long shot, we knew that"

Abbie pulled back and nodded before smiling "He was found guilty of Kidnap and False imprisonment"

"That's something"

"If it's any consolation, the jury believe he's guilty but because of the lack of evidence, they couldn't find him guilty by law" Abbie explained, she knew Alex would understand and hoped that this news would make the blonde feel a little better about everything

Alex nodded as she took a deep breath "I want to give a statement to the press"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Serena asked, her concern obvious as she shared a worrying look with Olivia

"Yes" Alex said firmly "It's time I got myself back in control. I appreciate your concern girls, I really do but this is something I need to do and I really would like your support"

"You've got it" Abbie said in an instant "We're here for you right Re?"

Serena nodded as Alex headed towards the courthouse doors. She took a steadying breath before pushing them open. She was immediately assaulted with camera's and press, microphones were held towards her in every direction.

Abbie stood by her side "Miss Cabot is going to give a statement. Please, give the woman some space to breathe"

"I want to start by asking you to listen to what I have to say, I'm angry that Carlson Waverly was found innocent of rape because he did rape me, he kidnapped me and held me hostage in a warehouse where he tortured me and raped me continuously. Because of his actions I suffer with nightmares and flashbacks, he took something away from me, control. He controlled every inch of me in that warehouse but he isn't going to control me anymore…"

"I'm so proud of her" Olivia whispers as she watches her girlfriend speak with confidence "She's so strong"

"That she is" Abbie agreed. She glanced across at Serena who was obviously deep in thought "Hey Re, what are you thinking?"

"How is she doing that?"

"What"? Olivia asked furrowing her brows

Serena waved her hand in the direction of the blonde "Talking so confidently. Olivia, she's been a mess since this happened and now she's like a completely different person"

"She's compartmentalising" Olivia said quietly "It'll hit her later but she wanted to do this. We have to let her have some control"

Serena and Abbie glanced at each other before turning to Olivia, the blonde asked gently "Alex said you hadn't spoken about your counselling session, you did go right?"

Olivia nodded "Yeah I did"

"Are you going to go back?"

Olivia shrugged "I don't know yet"

Serena sighed "Olivia, it isn't good for you to deal with this on your own"

"I'm not. You guys are here. Look, I know you're worried about me but I'm fine. I promise that if I really need to then I'll go back, I just want to help Alex get better first"

Serena nodded and turned to Abbie with questioning eyes, the brunette ADA asked quietly "Do you want some company this evening?"

Olivia smiled "Thanks. I'll ask Alex what she thinks"

The three women turned back to the blonde who was giving her statement.

"…I just ask that I have some privacy while I continue to live my life with my wonderful girlfriend and my baby"


	38. Chapter 38

**My sincerest apologies for not updating this as promised. I was back at work and I've been so tired, plus I have decorated and tidying up a lot so time has been limited.**

**Thank you all for your kind reviews, and opinions. I know that the press would already know about Alex being pregnant, but that wasn't her intention with the statement, you'll understand why I left it there, like that once you read this chapter. **

Chapter 38

Abbie and Serena shared a concerned glance while they watched Olivia try to coax Alex out of the bedroom. The blonde had insisted that she was fine but Olivia didn't believe it, and begged Alex to let her in.

"Maybe we should leave them to it" Serena suggested

Abbie shook her head "I'm worried about Alex. Olivia was right, she was compartmentalizing, and the reality is going to hit her full force. If it hasn't already"

"Did you hear what she said, about wanting privacy…" Serena began, glancing at the door to check that Olivia or Alex weren't able to hear

"Yes. If she chooses to keep the baby, then that's her decision Re"

"I know and I'll be there for her regardless. She's my best friend Abs, I just...she doesn't talk to me anymore"

Abbie sighed as she placed a comforting hand on the blonde's thigh "She's been through a hell of a tough time, she's pushing us all away at times"

"When I went to see her in the hospital, she wouldn't even look at me Abs"

Abbie nodded "I know, but she's let you in recently, hasn't she?"

"Yeah"

Abbie smiled warmly at the blonde "Everyone's been worried about Alex, and Olivia and you've worried about me, but how are you doing? I know you've not been sleeping properly"

"Don't worry about me Abs, I'm okay you know. I'd tell you if I wasn't. I'm heading back to DC next week"

Abbie's eyes widened and she felt tears rush to them, she was about to answer when they heard a crash from the hall and Olivia's voice

"Serena! Abbie!"

Abbie jumped from the couch, sprinting down the hall, she had to hold in a gasp at seeing Alex shaking violently as Olivia crouched in front of her, her voice quiet and soothing "Alex, honey. Take a deep breath"

"What happened?" Serena asked as she took in the sight of the lamp shattered on the floor and her best friend looking petrified

"I don't know" Olivia explained

"What can I do?" Abbie asked

Olivia shrugged her shoulders before shaking her head to clear it of thoughts "Um, I need the first aid kit, she trod on the glass, and uh, can you call George, ask him to come over tomorrow if he can, she needs to talk to someone"

Serena allowed the brunette to pass her in the doorway, and smiled when Abbie kissed her gently on the cheek.

"Is she okay?" Serena asked quietly

Olivia turned, noticing the tears on the blonde's cheeks before she nodded "She will be. Come here"

Serena approached carefully, not wanting to startle the blonde who had begun rocking gently, mumbling "Breathe, breathe, breathe"

"Alex?" Olivia said gently as Abbie returned with the first aid kit and informed Olivia she'd be in the living room "I'm going to clean the wound on your foot, it might hurt a bit. Can Serena hold your hand?"

Alex lifted her head and nodded, she gave a small smile to Serena before allowing her hand to be grasped gently.

Olivia cleaned the wound quickly, glad that it had stopped bleeding and was only minor. Alex didn't seem to register any pain, which concerned the brunette but she chose not to draw attention to it.

Serena rubbed her thumb gently over Alex's knuckles, she spoke quietly as she did so "You know, I'm so proud of you Alex. You're so strong and I know you don't believe it sometimes but you are"

Olivia smiled, she agreed whole heartedly with the blonde as she covered the small cut before rising into a standing position "I'm just going to go and put this away and I'll be back. Serena's going to stay with you. I won't be a minute"

Serena sat quietly beside the blonde, Alex had calmed considerably and was no longer rocking but she seemed transfixed on the space in front of her.

Olivia returned, she had obviously been crying but she smiled as she entered the room and sat down on the bed, she nodded to Serena who placed a kiss on Alex's hand before leaving the room to join Abbie.

Olivia sighed before she spoke "Come and sit up here Alex"

Alex looked up at the brunette before she began sobbing which caused Olivia to clamber from the bed and pull her girlfriend into her arms "Hey" she said gently "I've got you, it's okay"

After a few minutes Alex sniffled "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Olivia countered with a question before sighing "I don't really know"

Alex furrowed her brows as she pulled away; looking down at her foot and at the lamp lying shattered on the floor "What…?"

"I think you knocked the lamp off the unit but I don't know why. I was outside, I heard a crash and pushed open the door. You froze and you trod on the glass before you dropped down into a ball. You were shaking and then you started rocking, you kept mumbling 'Breathe' over and over. I cleaned the cut and covered it, you didn't really react"

"I only remember coming in here when we got home. I needed a moment to think, but you kept asking if you could come in and then it gets a bit hazy"

"Do you remember knocking the lamp down?"

Alex shook her head before the tears started again "No. Olivia…"

"Shh. Don't worry about it" Olivia soothed offering the blonde her hand "Now, Abbie and Re are probably really worried about you. I asked Abs to call George and get him to come over tomorrow"

Alex nodded "Yeah, I really need to talk to him"

"Do you want to come out there with me or stay in here? I can ask them to leave if you want"

Alex sighed "No they can stay"

Olivia nodded as she stood, she pulled Alex up with her and allowed the blonde to lean on her as Alex winced "You okay?"

"Yeah, my foot hurts like a bitch"

Olivia chuckled lightly, and breathed a sigh of relief "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I am actually. Olivia, I'm going to keep the baby"

Olivia stopped and turned to Alex, the surprise clear "You are?"

"Yes. It's been on my mind a bit these last couple of days, but today, sitting outside that courtroom, I realised that I had this life inside of me, something good to come out of the bad and to be honest, I've always wanted children but just resigned myself to the fact it wouldn't happen"

"If you're sure then I'm happy for you. I promised I'd support you whatever you decide and I mean it"

Alex smiled warmly, before leaning in and capturing Olivia's lips in a gentle but chaste kiss. When she pulled back she smiled widely tugging Olivia towards the door "Come on"

* * *

Olivia laughed as she listened to Serena and Alex bicker about which of them was the better ADA before drawing her attention to the brunette who seemed to be deep in thought about something.

Scooting closer to the brunette she asked gently, almost in a whisper "You okay Abs, you look as if something's bothering you"

Abbie blinked before turning to Olivia, she gave a small smile before sighing "Serena brought up the subject of the baby earlier, she mentioned what Alex said in her press release"

Olivia nodded "Are you okay with it?"

"What? Her having the baby…it's not really any of my business" Abbie replied

Olivia sighed as she motioned to Abbie to follow her into the kitchen, she motioned for the brunette to sit down "What's really bothering you?"

"Nothing…" Abbie tried to deny it but she knew Olivia could see right through her, there was a reason that Olivia was the great cop she was today, she knew things before anyone else "Serena's going back to DC"

"Oh Abs"

"I know it's her home now but having her here, I miss her so much" Abbie said as she swiped angrily at her tears

"Have you spoken to her about how you feel?"

Abbie shook her head "I don't want her to feel guilty. I sent her away, and when she came back I didn't know what I wanted. I was the one that encouraged her to take the job when she got the call, she was reluctant, too worried about me but I promised her I'd be fine. I just wanted her to be happy"

"But in turn it made you unhappy. Abbie, you need to tell Serena how you feel. What's it been like between you?"

"I love her Olivia. We get along so well, she makes me laugh you know. We've been together a long time, I just thought I'd be settled down with children by now"

"You want children?"

Abbie nodded and smiled "I always have Liv, but I don't know how Rena feels about that and to be honest, I don't know if she's really committed to us, you know?"

"She loves you Abbie, that's obvious"

"Is it? I know she cares about me, she's been by my side through so much but is it just obligation?"

Olivia took the brunette's hands and held them firmly "She loves you! Never doubt that Abbie. You need to talk about how you feel, otherwise she's going to head home and you're going to be crushed"

"I know but I can't ask her to leave her job for me, what kind of girlfriend would I be?"

"You don't need to Abbie, just talk to her"

Abbie nodded as she stood "Thank you"

Olivia gave Abbie a warm hug before pulling away and following the brunette ADA back into the living room where Alex and Serena had stopped their playful banter and were playing a game of go fish.


	39. Chapter 39

**Thanks again for the reviews, and support.  
**

Chapter 39

George came over the next day. He sat opposite Alex and carefully watched her rub her still flat stomach but he could see the hint of a smile on her lips.

"How are you feeling Alex? Olivia said you had a bit of a rough time after coming back from court yesterday, can you talk to me about that?"

Alex shrugged before she looked across at George and nodded "I wanted to give my statement to the press…I…am I front page news?"

George nodded solemnly but smiled when Alex chuckled lightly.

"The trial is front page news, but yes, your statement made quite the impact it seems"

"That wasn't my intention" Alex explained "I just wanted closure. He's going to prison regardless of the fact that he wasn't found guilty. I always knew it was unlikely that he'd be convicted for rape but I wanted to give my side of the story properly. Not the way I was in court, they needed to see, I needed to be able to see that I could do this"

"I understand the need to do that Alex, and what I read sounded as if you had made some peace with what happened to you"

"I have. I'm going to keep the baby George and Olivia's promised she'll support me. I'm still scared, but a chapter of my life is coming to an end, and a new one is beginning"

George nodded "What happened afterwards Alex?"

Alex sighed "I don't really remember. After I gave my statement, we came home. Olivia and I. Abbie and Serena came too which I didn't really mind, they're really good friends, you know and I love them like sisters. I wanted some time to process what had just happened, and went into our bedroom to think. Olivia was trying to get me to come out but I just said to give me a few minutes."

George nodded to show he was following, which prompted Alex to continue

"Next thing I know I was sitting on the floor, my foot was killing me and Serena was crouched in front of me, she looked so frightened. Olivia told me that she had tried coaxing me out of the room and then she heard a crash. I'd knocked the lamp over and trod on some glass trying to get away. Apparently I was shaking really bad and I didn't even flinch when Olivia cleaned the cut. It scared the hell out of me"

George thought for a moment before he spoke. Alex was much more relaxed now than he'd ever seen since she had been rescued but he was also a little wary that things weren't going to miraculously change.

"It may just have been a reaction, albeit a very strong one, to the stress you've been under lately. Alex, I'm going to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me. Do you feel like now the trial is over, now you've made a decision regarding the pregnancy, you're ready to move on and get well again?"

Alex furrowed her brows but nodded "I certainly want to get better George and I feel much more at ease now, even after what happened yesterday"

"How did you sleep?"

"Not too great to be honest. I had a nightmare but Olivia woke and we talked about it a little. I couldn't really get back to sleep afterwards though"

"How's the task I gave you coming along? Any luck?"

Alex shook her head "We tried once. I lasted about five minutes. Olivia said I should be pleased with that but…"

"You're disappointed that you didn't last longer?"

"Yeah" Alex admitted "I was thinking about trying later, see how I do"

George nodded "As long as you don't force yourself Alex, it's not going to help if you put too much pressure on the small things, okay. Take your time. You don't need to take a shower, bath's work just as well so it's not overly important you conquer this right now, small steps, when you're ready"

Alex nodded in agreement "I get that"

* * *

"Hey Olivia, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Olivia looked up from where she was sitting on the couch. Alex had taken a bath after George had left and the brunette decided that she'd take some time reading through a couple of pregnancy books she had ordered.

"Of course"

Alex glanced at the book furrowing her brows "What are you reading?"

Olivia blushed as she put the book down on the coffee table "It's about pregnancy, I just wanted to know how best to help you, I brought it after we heard the heartbeat and you changed your mind about the abortion"

Alex smiled as she placed a hand on the brunette's knee as she sat beside her "That's sweet"

Olivia chuckled as she blushed some more and then asked "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I asked George about taking antidepressants. He um, said that it's not determined whether it is safe during pregnancy and there's a chance of birth defects"

"You were thinking of taking them?"

Alex nodded "I thought it might help but…I guess now that I'm keeping the baby that throws that out of the window"

"You feel you need some extra help?" Olivia asked with concern, while she was glad that Alex seemed to be thinking about ways to better, the thought that Alex felt she needed medication was a little worrying

Alex nodded as she took Olivia's hand in her own "I guess. I want to get better, and talking to George is a big help and having you and Abs, and Rena about, that helps too. I just don't know whether I'm strong enough yet"

"You have always been strong and there is nothing wrong with needing help, even in the form of medication"

Alex nodded and smiled a little "I know. Except, I don't want to risk harming the baby so me and George decided that I'd go and see a friend of his that specialises in helping woman after abuse, of any kind and that she was a midwife previously. My first appointment is on Monday, would you come along with me, just for support"

"Of course I will if you want me to. Alex, I am so proud of you, you're working to get better and that makes me happy, that you want to get better. I admit, I had thought of asking George if it would help you to see someone else, someone that was qualified in helping you, and I know that Abbie and Serena thought the same thing but I guess I just wanted you to talk to someone, and if you were comfortable with George then it wouldn't hurt to continue"

"I get that. I still want to see George occasionally, and he said that he'd be happy to check in and see how I'm doing and if I needed to talk urgently, I could call him"

Olivia nodded as she slid closer to the blonde, pulling her into a gentle hug "I love you Alex and I am so proud of you"

"I love you too Olivia, I always will" Alex said gently before sighing "I said to George that I was thinking about trying the immersion therapy with the shower, you know, like we did before. I wanted to try tonight but now I don't really want to ruin today"

"I don't think we're going to have a whole day without something happening for a while, if you don't want to try tonight then we won't but I, uh, was thinking we could take a walk over the park if you were up to it. You need to exercise to keep yourself healthy for the baby. I was thinking, we could stop somewhere for lunch"

"I'd like that. I do want to try tonight, I'm just…I don't want to be disappointed"

"Listen to me Alex; you cannot fail at something if you try your best okay. Giving up, that's failing and you are not going to give up because I believe in you, and one day, you are going to believe in yourself"

"Thank you" Alex whispered "Can I kiss you Olivia?"

"You don't need to ask"

"I just don't want to do something that…" Alex began but was cut off when Olivia gently pressed her lips to the blondes. They moved together, love and commitment reaffirmed through the tenderness of the kiss.

It didn't last long but when they parted both women were wearing matching smiles.


	40. Chapter 40

**I apologise dearly for the delay in posting this, it has just been so hectic lately, I didn't realize going back to work would put so much of a dent in my writing time. I'm trying to use today to write, and post this, hopefully you forgive me for the absence. **

**Can I please ask that if you review, check which chapter you are posting the review to as to avoid spoilers too early in the story. Thanks and as always, your reviews are most appreciated. **

Chapter 40

The walk to the park was spent reminiscing about the first days of their relationship, from the first kiss and first date to the first time Olivia referred to Alex as her girlfriend.

Both women expressed sadness that the course of their relationship was changed through the events of Alex's kidnapping and subsequent torture but they both realised and agreed that it had made them stronger. Olivia was careful not to upset the blonde, but Alex was glad to be able to talk about the happier times and part of her felt that even with everything that had happened, she was with someone she loved more than anything and that was what mattered.

Olivia was conscious of the fact that Alex was initiating physical contact, and she worried that the busy New York streets were too much for the blonde.

"You're worrying too much" Alex whispered as the turned the corner towards the park "I'm fine"

"Sorry" Olivia apologised "I guess I'm more nervous than you. I don't mean to be, I just…"

Alex stopped walking and turned to the brunette "I know you want things to get better and I know you're worried about me but I promise you, if I feel uncomfortable, I will tell you. I like this, being out here with you, it feels like before Olivia. That's all I want, some normality in my life"

Olivia nodded as she took a deep breath, she smiled at the blonde as they began continuing their journey.

Once they entered the park Olivia asked Alex what she wanted to do "We could keep walking, or we could sit on the bench near the lake…"

"Can we go to the playground?"

"You want to play on the swings?" Olivia asked with a chuckle, although she was curious about Alex's thoughts

Alex nodded "Yeah. I want to do something fun, you know. I kind of miss that sort of freedom that comes with being pushed on a swing"

Olivia nodded with understanding as they headed towards the playground. There were a few children playing, parents watching and laughing. Olivia realised that the playground was a happy, fun place, carefree and gathered that was what Alex wanted to experience.

The blonde let go of Olivia's hand and hurried over to the vacant swings. She laughed as she sat down and pushed off from the ground a little.

"Shall I push you?" Olivia asked, smiling at the happiness etched onto the blonde's face

Alex nodded "Not too high though"

Olivia understood and gave Alex a little push. Her heart melted at the sound of Alex laughing and she laughed too.

"Come and join me, it's fun"

Olivia took a seat beside Alex and allowed herself to swing lightly "You're beautiful Alex"

Alex blushed but smiled warmly "Thank you. You're not too bad yourself"

Olivia chuckled as she watched children playing on the slide and climbing frames "They look so innocent" she mused allowed

"They do, but that's how it should be. I want our child to feel loved Olivia, to have fun and happiness in their life"

"Our child?"

"Our child, this baby Olivia, it's yours too. I want you to help me raise it, if that's what you want"

"I'd be honoured to"

Alex looked across and noticed Olivia struggling to hold in the tears. She allowed the swing to come to a stop before jumping off and embracing the brunette "I love you Olivia"

"I love you too. I guess I'm just overwhelmed"

After a short while, they decided to take a walk back through the park and head for something to eat. They held hands as they walked and talked about Abbie and Serena, Olivia didn't want to mention that Serena would be going back to DC at this particular moment, and part of her hoped that she'd choose to stay in New York.

They decided to eat at a small café where Alex would often go after court. Olivia was worried that they'd bump into someone that Alex wasn't ready to see but the blonde assured her that she was fine and that her life needed to return to some sense of normality and that she couldn't hide in the apartment forever.

"I've really enjoyed today" Alex said as she finished eating her sandwich "I like that we can still do simple things"

"I am so proud of you Alex, you know that right"

Alex nodded "I know"

Olivia looked up and said to Alex "Liz has just came in"

Alex turned and waved to her godmother "Hey Liz"

"Alexandra, it's lovely to see you!" Liz exclaimed, as she hugged the blonde who had tensed at the mention of her full name but she soon relaxed and returned the embrace

"How are you?" Alex asked as the older blonde hugged Olivia "Sit with us"

"Are you sure?" Liz asked but pulled up a chair when Alex nodded "I'm good. Busy, but good"

"I want to thank you for everything you did Liz"

"Oh don't be silly Alexandra, there's no need to thank me"

Alex tensed once again and Liz furrowed her brows. She glanced at Olivia who took the blonde's hand "Alex, It's just me and Liz, okay"

Alex took a breath and nodded "I know. Liz, can you not call me Alexandra, please"

Liz nodded but then shook her head as recognition hit "Dear god child, I am so sorry"

Alex smiled "Hey, its fine. I'm doing better Liz"

"I hear you plan on keeping the baby" Liz said gently "That's good"

Alex smiled as her hand instinctively went to her stomach, she caressed it gently "I am. At first, I was sure I wanted an abortion but when I heard the heartbeat I realised that I couldn't do that to another life, I couldn't end the life of an innocent baby. I wasn't sure I wanted to keep it either but I love this baby and even though I'm scared and unsure of how and if I'm going to cope, I feel as if I've been given something good out of all the bad"

"If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask"

"I won't" Alex smiled "But Olivia is going to help me raise it and we're going to do the best we can to make sure it knows that it is loved and wanted"

Olivia reached across to hold Alex's hand once again "I love you and our baby"

Liz smiled at the obvious love these two women had for one another before she stood "I am sorry but I am on a tight schedule today, it was lovely to see you both. Don't be a stranger Alex"

"I won't" the blonde replied as Liz placed a kiss on her cheek and hugged her gently before doing the same to Olivia.

Once Liz had left the café, her lunch in a polystyrene box, Olivia turned to blonde "Are you ready to head home?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, let's go home"

* * *

They spent the afternoon in each other's embrace watching movies and talking about the future. It was almost 6pm when Alex decided that she wanted to try something.

"Liv?"

"Hmm"

"I would really like a bath, and I know I mentioned I wanted to try the shower thing but I have an idea"

Olivia turned to fully face the blonde, she was intrigued but also a little worried about what Alex was asking "What is it?"

"If I took a bath, would you take a shower at the same time? We could talk like we normally would, and if I needed you to turn the shower off then I'd tell you, but I want to try this. I…George said not to rush it and if it really doesn't work, then we go back to what we decided before"

"Are you sure?"

"No but I want to do this"

"Alex, George is right, don't rush it. If you are only doing this to prove something to yourself then it's not right, you have to be sure that you can cope if things don't go to plan"

"I don't know how I'm going to react in any situation Olivia, but right now, I want to try to do this"

Olivia sighed, she wasn't sure she was doing the right thing but Alex seemed determined and they'd have to deal with the repercussions.

"Please Liv"

"Okay but the minute you feel uncomfortable, the minute you need to get out, you tell me okay"

Alex nodded as she stood "I promise"

"How shall we do this?"

"I think if I get in the bath first, and then you can shower"

Olivia nodded and Alex headed into the bathroom, she was nervous but excited at the same time. Part of her knew that she shouldn't be pushing it especially after the god day she had had but she wanted to get better and this was something she felt she needed to do.

Once she was settled in the bath, she called Olivia in. The brunette could see Alex's nerves and re-asked "Are you sure?"

Alex nodded, forcing a smile which Olivia knew wasn't completely genuine "Promise me you'll tell me if it's too much"

Alex nodded again "Just do it before I lose my nerve"

Olivia undressed, and stepped into the shower watching the blonde for signs of distress. Alex was smiling "You're beautiful Olivia"

Olivia blushed before she carefully turned the dial, the water came out pretty cold and she gasped "Goodness that's cold"

Alex chuckled "It usually is when you first step in"

Olivia washed herself, whole Alex did the same. The blonde seemed to be relaxed but her eyes were closed and Olivia could see she was gripping the sponge "Alex?"

"I'm okay, I promise" the blonde said as she opened her eyes and continued bathing "What shall we do tomorrow?"

"It's up to you, I don't mind really"

"I'd like to stay in if that's okay. Just relax you know?"

Olivia nodded "Of course"

They continued washing themselves and when Olivia was done she switched off the water. Alex looked up and smiled "I did it"

Olivia nodded as she stepped out of the shower, wrapping herself in a towel "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I had a moment when I remembered things but I was okay"

"I'm proud of you Alex"

"I'm proud of myself"

Olivia took a towel from the rack "You ready to get out?"

"Yep" Alex said "You really are beautiful Olivia"

"And so are you" the brunette replied, she held open the towel for the blonde and once they were both wrapped she said "I'm going to go grab our nightwear, you okay for a minute"

"I'm good"

Once they were dressed, Olivia suggested that they try to sleep, she had noticed Alex yawning, it had been a long day, and although the blonde felt pleased with herself she was tired and drained.

They snuggled up with Alex spooning Olivia, and soon fell into a deep sleep.


	41. Chapter 41

**Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming. On with the next chapter **

**TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm early on**

Chapter 41

"Liv?"

"Hmm, what is it?" Olivia mumbled as she turned over to face the blonde, she squinted open an eye and when she saw Alex shaking she woke immediately; she sat up and asked gently "Hey what's wrong?"

"I want to…I had a nightmare and…" Alex managed to gasp as she felt herself panicking her eyes darting towards the bathroom and back again

"Hey" Olivia said taking the blonde's hands in her own "Take a deep breath and let it out slowly, breathe with me darling"

Alex looked at the brunette and tried to mimic the brunette's breathing. Olivia glanced at the clock and saw that it was barely 2AM on Monday morning. Nearly 10 minutes later Alex had calmed and was resting her head on the brunette's shoulder.

"How are you feeling?"

Alex sighed "Stupid"

Olivia lifted Alex's chin and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead "You aren't stupid. I'm glad you woke me"

"I could feel his hands on me, like he was in the room you know. I…" Alex stopped "I thought about hurting myself and then you mumbled something in your sleep, so I woke you…"

"I'm glad you did. This is good Alex, you knew what you were thinking and knew you had other options"

Alex nodded as she snuggled closer to the brunette. Olivia wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulders and rubbed her arm gently.

It didn't take long for them to fall back to sleep and neither woke until the alarm at 8am. Alex stretched as she sat up before she placed a kiss on Olivia's cheek "Liv, come on we gotta get up"

"I'm up" the brunette said as she rolled over "I was just enjoying the attention"

Alex swatted the brunette's side before grinning "I love you"

Olivia lent forward placing a delicate kiss on the blonde's lips before murmuring "I love you too"

They spent a few minutes just looking at each other, every now and then Alex would smile and Olivia would kiss her sweetly. They were both aware that things between them were beginning to change, and yet also aware that they had to take things slowly.

Alex pushed Olivia backwards as she swung a leg over the brunette, her heart was racing but she smiled before capturing Olivia's lips in a deep kiss. The brunette was taken aback, even though she was enjoying the moment she was also aware that they needed to talk about being intimate before they attempted anything.

She gently sat up, taking Alex's cheeks in her hand "As much as I enjoyed that, we have things to do and we need to talk before we start doing things like that"

Alex nodded "I know, I just wanted to say thank you for last night, well, this morning"

Olivia smiled "Anytime"

"I'm just going to have a quick wash and get ready"

Olivia nodded with a smile "I'll put some coffee on and…"

"No coffee for me. I'll just have juice"

Olivia laughed "I was about to say, I'll put some coffee on and make you a juice"

"Oh"

Olivia kissed Alex's cheek before allowing the blonde to climb from the bed. She wiggled her bottom a little before winking at Olivia and heading into the bathroom.

* * *

"Hello Alex…"

"It's just Alex" Alex said halting the words of the dark-haired woman in front of her. Dr Lawson was in her mid forties, with short black hair and kind eyes. Alex immediately felt comfortable in her presence and smiled warmly

"Okay Alex. My name is Doctor Ellen Lawson but you can just call me Ellen if you feel more comfortable. Now Doctor Huang has already sent over your file, which with your permission I've had a look through so I know of the circumstances that brought you here but I'm not going to ask you to tell me anything that happened unless you broach it yourself"

"So what will we talk about?" Alex asked furrowing her brows a little

"You. Tell me about you, who is Alex?"

"Oh. Um, I'm an ADA for Manhattan special victims unit" Alex began "Well, I was"

"What do you mean? You still are an ADA right?"

"Well, yeah but I'm…"

Dr Lawson, Ellen, shook her head "You are still the ADA for special victims then"

"Right, Um, I'm 34. I don't have any siblings, and my parents died a few years ago. I'm gay, and have a girlfriend called Olivia, uh…that's it I guess"

"Hobbies, interests"

"Oh, uh, I like running, reading, uh…I guess I like art, to look at"

Doctor Lawson nodded "Okay. Tell me about Olivia, is she the woman you were sitting with in the waiting room?"

Alex's lips turned into a smile as she nodded "Yeah. She's amazing. She's really been a huge help through this, you know. She's beautiful, not just physically but her heart, she's sweet and really kind. She's a detective with Special Victims"

"So you work together"

Alex nodded "Yeah"

"You said she's been a big help, in what way?"

"I'm living with her at the moment, I have been since…what happened and she's taken time off work to support me"

"Do you talk to Olivia?"

"Yeah, uh, last night I had a nightmare and I woke her instead of…"

"Carry on"

"Instead-of-cutting-myself" Alex said quickly, as she lowered her head

"Okay. Alex, look at me" Doctor Lawson said firmly and Alex lifted her head cautiously "There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about okay? I'm here to listen and to help. So, you told Olivia that you wanted to self-harm?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. I've found it hard to tell her when I want to, but last night, I…I don't know what made me wake her but I did"

"That's good. Do you have nightmares often?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, almost every night"

"Are they always the same?"

Alex shook her head "They're usually like flashbacks of what happened but instead of being awake, I'm asleep. Um, sometimes Olivia's in them"

"In what way"

"Isn't that in my file?" Alex asked

Doctor Lawson nodded "Yes"

"But you want me to tell you"

"Alex, I won't force you to tell me anything and like I said, unless you bring it up, it stays unspoken about. However, for you to make progress we do need to explore some of the things that have happened and are happening"

"Sometimes Olivia's the one being tortured, like I was and I can't help her"

"Okay. What about the flashbacks?"

Alex relaxed slightly "I've identified some of the triggers. Um, me and Olivia have tried to conquer the shower, like George, um, Doctor Huang suggested. A couple of days ago we, I managed to take a bath while Olivia was in the shower"

"That's good, yes?"

Alex nodded "Yeah. Doctor Huang suggested I try standing outside the bathroom with Olivia while the shower was just running but uh, I wanted to try something else. I'm impatient"

"While that's progress, that you managed that, you must not push yourself too hard. What happens next time you try the same thing but have a flashback?"

"What do you mean?"

"George suggested that you stand outside so that you get used to the sound, without seeing it, you build up your resilience and move closer when you've conquered the first step. How will you react when you have a flashback just hearing the shower?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't think about that"

"The tips and suggestions George had and ones that I may give you are there to help you in steps. You aren't expected to heal overnight Alex"

Alex nodded "I know that, I just got impatient I guess, but I did it, isn't that good, a step in the right direction?"

"It is, just remember that you might have setbacks. Don't let it discourage you, but small steps are best"

"Okay"

"What other triggers for the flashbacks are there?"

"Um, when someone calls me Alexandra, it's only happened once, the first time after what happened. He called me that"

Dr Lawson nodded, prompted Alex to continue

"Um, sex"

"You've tried since…?" Doctor Lawson asked and raised her brows in surprise

"No, I just, I know that it is going to be a trigger"

"I think its way too soon to be thinking about being intimate with someone Alex, you went through a very traumatic experience"

Alex nodded solemnly "I know"

"This seems like an issue for you, talk me through what you're thinking" Dr Lawson pressed

Alex shrugged her shoulders "When I was kidnapped, that day, I was on my way to Olivia's, we were going to go out for dinner and I hoped that it would, we would…we were going to…you know?"

"Have sex?"

"It was going to be our first time and now…" Alex began as she felt the tears well up; she shook her head as if to clear them. Dr Lawson offered Alex a box of tissues which Alex took "Thanks"

"This seems like something to explore in our next session. I am going to get you to talk about some of the tougher things too Alex, such as the self-harm issues and your worries concerning the future but you're willing to talk and that's a start. I can see you want to get better but it will take time, and you need to be patient and not pressure yourself in any way. Talk to Olivia, and I'll see you on Thursday, same time"


	42. Chapter 42

**Quite a shortish chapter but hopefully it doesn't disappoint. Thank you for the continued support, means a lot to me as you all know.**

Chapter 42

Olivia glanced across at the blonde, she had been quiet since the session with Dr Lawson and Olivia hoped that Alex was shutting down again "Alex, you've hardly said a word since we left the doctor's office, was it really tough?"

"No" Alex said honestly "In fact it was pretty good, Ellen didn't push me at all, she asked me to tell her about myself and it was like a regular chat. She didn't ask me anything about what happened to me, and unless I brought it up we wouldn't talk about it"

"Okay" Olivia said, although still confused about what was bothering the blonde

"We talked about you"

"Oh, what did you say?"

Alex gave a small laugh "I told her how amazing you were and how much I love you Olivia. We spoke about some of the triggers and she explained that I shouldn't push myself to do things, she said that George set me the task in steps so I could conquer it slowly"

"I understand that"

"She asked how I would react if I have a flashback just hearing the shower running, she explained that I might feel as if I've failed, because I've tried too much too soon"

"So, we go back to what George suggested?" Olivia asked, she had been worried about Alex trying too much too soon herself but didn't want to upset Alex by approaching it

Alex nodded "Yeah, I guess so"

"You've been really quiet, I was just worried about you" Olivia said gently after they had descended into silence

"I know. I was just trying to work out a few things" Alex explained "I mentioned sex as a trigger and she told me that it was too soon to even think about trying, we're going to talk about it more on Thursday. She said we'd broach some tougher subjects too"

"Alex, do you feel pressured? Am I pressuring you in any way?"

Alex shook her head quickly "No, not at all Olivia. I guess I'm pressuring myself, I want things to go back to normal but they're not and I don't think they're going to for a long time. I'm just scared"

"That's perfectly okay Alex, you're allowed to be scared but you need to give yourself time and stop dwelling on what might happen. Take things one day at a time and let yourself heal naturally. Forcing things you aren't ready for is only going to upset you more"

"I know"

Olivia took hold of the blonde's hands "Stop worrying about things, and talk to me"

"I will. Olivia, I made an appointment with the OBGYN, its tomorrow at 11. Would you come with me?"

"If that's what you want, then yes, I'd love to"

Alex gave a small smile "Thanks. I want to do right for this baby, so I'm going to be having checkups every two weeks. I want to be sure that it's safe, you know"

"I do. I love you and our baby"

"Our baby?"

Olivia nodded before furrowing her brows "Sorry, was that not okay. I just…you said that you wanted me to help raise it, have you changed your mind"

"No not at all. It's perfectly okay; I was just a little surprised, I know you said you'd love to help me raise it but I didn't realise you really meant it. You really see this as our baby?"

Olivia nodded squeezing the blonde's hand "I do. I know you're scared, I am too but it's a part of you Alex, and I love you with everything I have"

"You're not afraid that we'll just see him in it?"

"Yes, but even though he or she will share the same genes as that man, he or she has your genes too. Someone very wise and important to me told me that I am nothing like my Father, it took me a while to believe them but I agree"

Alex smiled remembering the conversation well, she had honestly believed what she had said and was glad to be reminded of her own words.

"I love you"

Olivia smiled as she pulled Alex closer "I love you too beautiful"

* * *

That night Alex stood nervously in the bathroom in just her panties and a tank top as she looked at herself in the mirror, most of the injuries had healed and while she had a few scars, they weren't as bad as she had thought they would be. It surprised her how much like herself she looked which gave her a little boost in confidence.

"Alex, you okay in there?"

"Yeah" Alex replied with a smile "I'll be out in a minute"

Taking a steady breath, Alex opened the door to see Olivia sitting cross legged on the bed in her pyjamas.

"Alex…?" Olivia choked out, swallowing harshly, her mouth had gone dry at the sight of the blonde and she shook her head visibly "What are you doing?"

"Going to bed"

"Like that…?" Olivia whispered wide eyed

Alex nodded, lowering her head "Sorry, I should have asked if it was okay with you. It's just, it's hot and I was thinking about this earlier. I know it's too soon for anything to happen and that's not why I'm doing this. I want to feel comfortable with myself, and…"

Olivia held out her hand to the blonde, who was still looking at the ground. Olivia sighed, she approached the blonde gently stopping in front of her "Alex, look at me sweetheart"

Alex lifted her head hesitantly, her eyes filling with tears "I'm sorry"

"Hey, there's nothing to be sorry for. I just wasn't expecting this and it took me by surprise, that's all"

"You called me beautiful earlier"

"You are" Olivia said sincerely "Alex, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I'm not exaggerating"

Alex chuckled a little wiping her eyes with the back of her hand "I was surprised about how much I look like myself you know, I expected to see horrible scars but…they're not that bad are they?"

"No and even if they were Alex, you'd still be beautiful"

"Thank you" Alex blushed "I should have asked if it was okay"

Olivia shook her head "No, I love you and everything about you. I would have liked some notice, because I was expecting it and it surprised me, but you never have to ask for permission"

"I love you"

"And I love you. Now are you ready to go to sleep?"

Alex nodded as she pulled back the covers and settled in beside the brunette. She shuffled closer, curling herself up behind the brunette and hesitantly rested her arm on Olivia's hip. Olivia took Alex's hand pulling it further over her and clasping their fingers together. Alex sighed before relaxing and Olivia allowed a small smile to grace her lips. This was progress, this was normality.


	43. Chapter 43

**Sorry for the delay in posting, its been a busy start to the week, and on top of that I have a date on Friday that i'm really excited about and terribly nervous about too, so just haven't been able to settle. **

**Here's the next chapter for you **

Chapter 43

"Hey Abs" Olivia greeted the brunette at the door "Everything okay?"

Abbie nodded with a smile "Yeah. Can I come in?"

Olivia furrowed her brows as she allowed the younger brunette to pass, she was concerned by the way Abbie was acting "Abbie, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I…I just wondered if we could talk?"

Olivia nodded "Of course. Me and Alex have somewhere to be in a couple of hours but…"

"Where is Alex?"

"Still asleep, she had a rough night and I thought I'd let her sleep now that she's actually asleep"

"Nightmares?" the brunette asked with concern

"No, actually, she just couldn't sleep is all. We're uh, going to the hospital later for an ultrasound"

"Oh"

Olivia chuckled before she took Abbie's hands in her own, noticing the younger woman fidgeting "Talk to me Abbie"

"Serena's going back to DC tomorrow"

"Did you two talk?"

Abbie nodded as she began to cry, she wiped the tears away as the fell "Yeah, she's going to tie things up at work and sort out her apartment over there and then come and stay with me here"

"That's good, right?"

"Yeah, it's just, it could be another 4 or 5 months until she actually comes back here for good. I just, I'm going to miss her"

"Oh Abs"

"I guess I was naïve in thinking that she could just up and move. I didn't expect her to, I just explained how much I missed her and how much I liked having her stay with me, she sensed right away that I really wanted her to stay for permanent and we talked quite a bit"

"That's good" Olivia said with a smile "Give me five minutes to wake Alex and I'll be back"

Abbie nodded as Olivia headed towards the bedroom. Alex was sitting up in bed which took Olivia by surprise.

"Good Morning"

"Hey" Alex murmured

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just nervous"

"That's normal, but it'll be okay"

"I know, I just…you know?"

Olivia nodded "Yeah I do, we talked about this last night remember?"

Alex nodded before she asked "Is Abbie here, I thought I heard her voice"

"Yeah she is, she needed to talk to someone"

"Is she okay?" Alex asked, the concern evident on her face as she climbed from the bed

"Yeah, Serena's going back to DC tomorrow"

"Oh"

Olivia saw how disappointed Alex was by this news "She's coming back to New York for good, she and Abbie talked and worked things out, but it might take a few months to sort everything out back in DC"

"I'm glad she's coming back, will she be staying with Abbie?"

Olivia nodded before walking towards the doorway "I'll let you freshen up, did you want to see Abbie before she goes"

"Yeah, I won't be long"

When Olivia returned to the living room she was taken back to see Abbie clinging to the couch, sobs racking her body "Hey Hey, Abbie what's wrong?"

"I…I'm sorry"

"What do you have to be sorry for? Abbie, talk to me"

"If I had pushed for harsher sentencing Carlson would never had been out of prison to hurt Alex, and I wasn't even able to get justice for her this time"

"Abbie" Olivia said sadly "Stop blaming yourself, we've been over this"

"I just feel terrible" Abbie explained "I feel like I've let you down, both of you"

"You haven't" Olivia assured the younger brunette "You did everything you could, you are a fantastic ADA and there is no one that I'd have wanted to take Alex's case, and I am sure Alex agrees with me"

"I do"

Abbie looked up to see Alex standing in the doorway. The blonde approached the two women and pulled Abbie from the couch, wrapping her arms around her tightly

"Don't go blaming yourself for something you had no control over. I don't think you've let me down at all, and Olivia is right. I didn't want someone else taking my statement; I wanted you, because I trust you"

"I'm sorry"

"Hey" Alex said firmly, pulling back to look the brunette in the eyes "Stop apologising for something you didn't do"

"How are you doing?" Abbie asked Alex, in an attempt to change the subject, she knew that Alex and Olivia meant what they said, she was just struggling to keep herself from falling apart

"I'm good. I have an appointment with the OBGYN in a couple hours, I'm nervous but excited. I'll call you later and let you know how it went"

"I'd like that"

"Olivia tells me Serena's going to come back to New York to stay"

"Yeah, when she told me last week that she would be going back to DC I panicked a bit, I didn't want her to go and Olivia suggested I talk to her about it. I didn't ask her to come back, I just explained how I felt and she told me that she didn't think I wanted the commitment. She was waiting for me to ask"

Alex chuckled "That's Serena for you. She left because you asked her to Abbie; you should have expected her to want you to ask for her to come home. I know she isn't happy out there, not like she could be with you here"

"I was worried about what she'd do for work but she said she'd be happy doing anything as long as she was home"

They talked some more until Abbie decided to make a move, she didn't want to make Alex and Olivia late for their appointment but they made plans to see each other tomorrow before Serena went back to DC.

"Call me later, good luck"

"Thanks and I will" Alex said as she hugged the brunette goodbye

* * *

Alex sat nervously in the waiting room, her hands were sweaty and she was bouncing her leg up and down. Olivia chuckled "Relax Alex"

"Sorry, I'm just nervous"

Olivia took the blonde's hand in her own and began rubbing her thumb across the blonde's knuckles in an attempt to stop the jittering.

"Alexandra Cabot"

Alex jumped at the sound of her name and smiled sheepishly at the doctor. Olivia kept hold of Alex's hand, as they followed the young doctor into the small consulting room.

"So Alex, how are we feeling?"

"I'm good. I had some morning sickness, for a while but it seems to have left me alone for a couple of days"

"Okay. We're just going to do a little check, you're far enough along that we can use the exterior ultrasound now"

Alex breathed a sigh of relief, and Olivia squeezed her hand offering a small smile. She knew that Alex was worrying about the internal ultrasound and was glad that they'd reached the stage where it wasn't needed.

"Can you lift up your t-shirt a little?"

Alex did as was asked, she was still self conscious of the scars but the doctor didn't comment at all

"It's going to be a little cold"

Alex gasped at the first touch of the gel applied to her stomach but as soon as she heard the steady beating she turned her attention to the monitor, her eyes widened at the sight and she grinned at Olivia

"As you can see, everything looks to be okay. You're about 7 weeks along which would give you a due date of around the 17th of February if all goes to plan. At the moment the foetus is about the size of a blueberry. I see that you've requested fortnightly checkups, which is a bit unusual. I don't see any mention of miscarriage in the past…"

"I just wanted to be sure things were okay. I wasn't sure I wanted to keep the baby at first, its conception was…unplanned. I just wanted reassurance"

The doctor nodded in understanding, she had seen the newspaper and knew somewhat of the circumstances. "Well, everything looks really good at this moment in time. Do you have any questions at the moment, either of you?"

Alex and Olivia looked at each before shaking their heads, they both were sure they'd have some in the future but at the moment everything seemed surreal. Olivia couldn't tear her eyes away from the screen and could see that Alex wasn't fairing much better. She had seen the wonder in the blonde's eyes and the grin that she gave when they first saw their child on the screen.

"Okay. I'll leave you to clean up and I'll see you both in two weeks"

When the doctor had left, Alex looked up at the screen again "That's our baby"

"I know" Olivia whispered

"It doesn't feel real"

"But it is. How are you feeling?" Olivia asked

Alex shrugged "I'm still really nervous and apprehensive but, I'm excited too"

"We're going to be just fine, I promise"

Alex believed it, for the first time since the ordeal, she actually felt as if things were going to be okay.


	44. Chapter 44

**Ugh, why do people even bother dating?! Okay, so my date didn't go well, or it did but she decided she wasn't ready for a relationship and text me to tell me half an hour after she had left, after she had said she didn't want to leave and we'd made plans to see each other again later in the week. I'm hurt because I thought we actually had something, she told me she thought the same. Anyway, I was planning on updating yesterday but I slouched about in my pyjamas and had a good cry and today decided to be productive so here we are. **

**Hope you enjoy :)**

Chapter 44

Alex woke first the next morning with a smile on her face for it had been a nightmare free night; instead she had dreamt of Olivia and a baby girl with dark hair playing in the park while she snapped photos. It had been a surprise when she opened her eyes and didn't feel the normal panic that usually accompanied waking.

She decided to get up and make breakfast, hoping that she had time before Olivia woke.

However the smell of bacon did not agree with the baby and less than ten minutes later the blonde was hunched over the toilet.

"Hey" Olivia announced her presence before she entered the bathroom causing Alex to lift her head

"Hi" she smiled weakly before groaning "I thought it'd stopped"

Olivia wet a wash cloth and knelt beside Alex, placing the cloth across the blonde's forehead before wrapping her arm around Alex's shoulders "Lean on me sweetheart"

"I was making you breakfast" Alex explained quietly, her throat sore from vomiting "The bacon turned my stomach"

Olivia nodded in understanding before she smiled "No nightmares again"

"I know, I had a dream instead"

"Really? What about?"

"You, and a baby with dark hair playing in the park. I was taking pictures of you"

"Aww"

Alex laughed weakly as she pulled away from Olivia to retch into the toilet bowl "Ugh, I feel awful"

Olivia furrowed her brows in concern but didn't want to cause Alex any more distress of worry so she didn't respond, instead she rubbed circles on the blonde's back until Alex slumped back

20 minutes later Alex had stopped retching and was able to move from the bathroom floor. Olivia got her settled on the couch with a hot water bottle and glass of water before she went into the kitchen and made some toast with jam and juice.

She returned to the living room to see Alex asleep. She was curled up into the corner of the couch, the hot water bottle across her stomach and the water consumed.

Olivia placed the toast and juice on the table before she sat down at the other end of the couch and ate her breakfast.

The doorbell rang at 10am as expected and Olivia let Abbie and Serena in before placing a finger over her mouth "Alex is asleep, she had a bout of morning sickness. I don't really want to wake her just yet but I don't know how long you plan on staying Re"

"My flights not until this evening, and I'm all packed"

"Would you like to stay for lunch?" Olivia asked them both and they looked at each other before both nodded

"That would be lovely" Abbie said as they made their way into the living room

"How is she?" Serena asked as she looked at her best friend "I really wish I didn't have to leave so soon"

"She's doing really well. We had another nightmare free night which I'm really pleased with, that's two nights in a row. She's going to be fine, I'm sure of it"

Abbie smiled "She's the strongest woman I know"

"That she is" Olivia agreed before deciding to change the topic "So, Re, what's the plan when you get back to DC"

"Well, I'm going to start packing the things I don't really need and get it moved into storage back here, the lease on my apartment runs out in a couple of months so I'm hoping to be ready to come back by then but I do have a few open cases that I want to close before I leave. I'll not take on any more but the ones I do have open are a little more complicated that most"

"Have you thought about what you're going to do for work when you come back to New York?"

"Honestly, I'd be happy working in Wal-Mart if it means being home with Abs" Serena said as she squeezed the brunette's shoulders, Abbie smiled at the words and gesture

"And I told her that she needed to have a passion because she'd get bored"

Olivia laughed "Well, I wish you both the best of luck for the future, whatever it brings for you both"

"Thanks" Serena replied "What about you Olivia, when are you going back to work?"

Olivia shrugged "I haven't even thought about work to be honest. Cragen has given me as much time as I need but I know he'll have 1PP on his back sooner or later. At the moment, I'm taking vacation time, I have enough accumulated to tie me over for the next month or two but…I'm thinking about cutting back my hours anyway"

"You love SVU though Olivia"

"I do, Abbie but I love Alex more. I never thought I'd be able to say that, my job has been my life but right now, Alex is my priority. We haven't talked about it but I don't know if Alex is ready to be on her own, I guess it's something we should talk about"

"How are you coping?" Serena asked "I know you said that you wanted to be there for Alex and that if you felt you needed to talk to someone you would, but how are you really?"

"It's been hard and I know it's not going to get better overnight but we've seen improvements and I'm just happy to be there for Alex. I promise, the minute I feel as if I'm not coping, I'll make an appointment"

Serena nodded, deciding not to push too much at the moment; however she wanted to be sure that Olivia was taking care of herself

Alex groaned as she turned over, her eyes flickered open and she moaned "Turn the lights out"

"The lights aren't on" Olivia said shuffling closer to the blonde "You feeling okay?"

"No" Alex said closing her eyes again "I feel terrible"

Olivia placed a hand on the blonde's forehead "You're a little warm Alex, but not to the point I'd be concerned. Are you hungry?"

Alex shook her head "No"

"Hey Alex" Serena said, causing Alex to lift her head. She smiled at the blonde before closing her eyes again

"Hey Re. Hey Abs"

Olivia furrowed her brows "Alex, you didn't eat any breakfast. I know you don't feel too good but you need to try and eat something"

Alex sighed as she sat up, she groaned and held her stomach but nodded slightly "Just something small"

Olivia left the three women in the lounge while she went to do Alex something to eat. "Sorry I'm not much company"

Serena shook her head "It's alright. I'm just pleased to be able to see before I go back to DC"

"I'm going to miss you"

"Aww Lex, I'll miss you too but I'll be back before you know it" Serena said as she stood and headed over to the blonde and gave her a gentle hug

"Here you are" Olivia said as she handed Alex a small plate, she had lightly buttered two crackers before sitting beside the blonde "Eat slowly"

Alex nodded as she took a small bite before placing the plate on the table.

The four women talked a little longer, and Alex began to feel a little better, she had finished the crackers and asked Olivia for some cheese and pickles a short time later.

Olivia made some pasta for lunch, apologising for the lack of options. While she had managed to do a few shops, she hadn't spent too long out and therefore only essentials were brought. She had hoped that she and Alex could take a walk to the Wal-Mart later that afternoon but wasn't sure if the blonde would feel up to it.

As it came up to 2pm, Serena and Abbie decided to make a move, they wanted to spend some time alone before Serena left for DC.

"If you need to talk at any time, then just call, okay?" she told Alex as she hugged her tightly

"I will"

"Take care of yourself and little one"

Alex nodded as felt Serena sniffle before pulling away and placing a kiss to the blonde's cheek "Hey, you said it earlier, you'll be back before you know it"

"I know, just promise me you'll look after yourself"

"I promise" Alex said "And I'll keep an eye on Abs for you too"

Serena chuckled but smiled gratefully before she squeezed Alex one more time.

Once Abbie and Serena had left, Alex flopped down onto the couch and allowed herself to cry. She didn't want Serena to feel bad about going back to DC so had held in her emotions until she was able to cry without the blonde feeling guilty.

Olivia sat beside her and offered her arms which Alex happily allowed to comfort her.

* * *

Olivia went to the Wal-Mart by herself and left Alex to sleep. While she had promised that she felt fine, Olivia was worried as the blonde had fallen asleep fairly soon after Abbie and Serena had left.

Olivia sighed as she turned the key in the lock

"Liv, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me. Where are you?" Olivia called out, noting the tremble in Alex's voice

"In the bathroom"

Olivia pushed open the door to find Alex sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor "What happened?"

"I slipped. I think I had a flashback, but I'm not sure why"

"Are you hurt?" Olivia asked, trying not to panic but worried about Alex and the baby's health and wellbeing

"No. I've only been here a few minutes"

Olivia nodded offering her hand, Alex took it and allowed Olivia to help her into a standing position

"Are you feeling okay?"

Alex nodded "Yeah"

Once Olivia and Alex had settled on the couch, the brunette took Alex's hand in her own "Alex, when I was out, I was thinking, and you can say no but I was wondering. Would you like us to find a bigger place?"

Alex opened her mouth and closed it again, she swallowed before managing to ask "Are you asking me to move in with you?"

"Yes"

It was a formality but both women knew that Alex wouldn't be going back to her apartment anytime soon, at least not alone.

"I…Are you sure? It's going to be hard with me and a baby to look after"

"Never have I been more sure. Alex, I love you, and I love our baby, you are going to be a great mother and…"

"You are too" Alex said with a smile, her initial shock wearing off

Olivia nodded "Thank you, I want us to be a family"

"We are. My lease is up soon, I was worried about whether to renew it or not but if you really want us to find a place together, then I guess that's sorted"

"Only if you are sure Alex, you decide. I mean, we don't have to move yet, we can think about it and come back to the idea in a few months, but my lease is up in a couple of months anyway, and with a baby, we'd need more space"

"I love you"

"I know you do Alex, I love you too. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking I'd like to move in with you permanently, if you'll have us"

"I'd like nothing more"

Alex smiled as she placed a kiss to Olivia's cheek. A short while later Alex asked "What about work Olivia, when are you going back?"

"I'm not sure, but I was thinking about cutting back my hours. I love SVU, but for the first time I have something else to love, you and our baby. I have vacation time to last me another couple of months but I want to be here for you and the baby"

"I don't know if I want to go back to work at all" Alex murmured "I just don't think I could manage a baby and working, especially not as a prosecutor. Not anymore"

Olivia nodded "You don't have to think about that right now but maybe you should talk to Liz, I know she isn't your boss but she's your godmother and she might be able to advise you. You know that Abbie's filling in for SVU at the moment"

"I know but I don't think she wants to do it forever, maybe I should talk to Jack, see what my options are. It's about time I start reconnecting with people, I can't hide forever"

"They understand Alex, you do what you want, when you're ready"

Alex nodded "I'm surprised he hasn't called already. When did you last talk to Cragen?"

"A couple of days ago, via text"

"Elliot?"

"This morning, he just wanted to check in, see if we needed anything"

"Would you like to go into the precinct tomorrow, after my appointment with Ellen?"

"What would you do?"

"Come with you" Alex said quietly, unsure of the response she would receive

Olivia looked intently at the blonde, she could see the anxiety radiating from Alex but she also saw hope and willingness and nodded "If you want to, I'd like that and I'm sure everyone would like to see you"


	45. Chapter 45

**Only a short chapter, depending on how much I get written tonight to whether I post the next chapter today. **

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews and especially to HistoryGeek1399 for making me smile when I really needed it. **

**TRIGGER WARNING**

Chapter 45

The appointment with Ellen was tough, they had talked about Serena leaving and how Alex felt about that, then they had talked about the baby and how the ultrasound appointment went. It wasn't those things that had made it tough, it was talking about the self harming and even though she hadn't harmed herself in a while, the thought was constantly there, and it was hard to admit how much she thought of it. They had discussed Alex's concerns about the future, and Ellen had broached the subject of being intimate with Olivia as brought up by Alex previously.

Alex cried more in that session than she felt she ever had with George.

Ellen was kind not that George wasn't, but she was able to give the comfort that the male doctor couldn't. Alex was still incredibly skittish in the presence of males, which is why when Alex had left the doctor's office and bumped into a man Olivia was concerned whether going to the precinct would be beneficial today. Alex had frozen in place, the man had apologised, asked if she was okay and then hurried off when Alex burst into tears. Olivia had been standing just steps behind, and was there to catch the blonde when her knees buckled.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"No" Alex said "But if I don't I won't know what to expect next time"

"We'll stay as long as you feel comfortable; you tell me when you're ready to leave"

"Don't let go" Alex said grasping the brunette's hand tightly

"I'm right here"

Once in the elevator Olivia turned to Alex, she placed a kiss on her cheek "I'm right here" she reaffirmed, noting the blonde had tensed as the elevator came to a halt

"Teflon!"

Alex gripped Olivia's hand as they greying man approached, he was smiling widely, his arms outstretched.

Olivia shook her head, and he dropped his arms "How are you?"

Alex nodded "I'm good thanks John"

The man smiled at the use of his name, Alex being one of the only people that didn't call him 'Munch'

"It's nice to see you"

"And you" she said, visibly relaxing

Olivia led the blonde over towards her desk, and Alex gratefully took the seat pulled out for her

"Where's Elliot?" Olivia asked, noting she couldn't see her partner anywhere

"Talking to a witness with Tutuola, they should be back soon though"

Sure enough a few minutes later Elliot and Fin enter the bullpen and immediately head for the two women

"Hey Liv, Alex" Elliot nodded as he spoke gently

Alex smiled "Hi Elliot"

Fin smiled and nodded "Hey you"

"Hey"

After the initial awkwardness had passed Alex found herself relaxing and even laughed a little as the group of detectives caught up, she felt bad that Olivia was thinking about cutting back her hours and knew that the brunette would miss working with the guys.

"You okay?" Olivia asked, noting that Alex had grown quiet

"Yeah, just thinking is all" she said and before Olivia could press continued "Nothing to worry about, I'll tell you later"

They stayed for almost half an hour, until Alex began to fall asleep, she was emotionally drained from her session with Ellen and Olivia decided that they should go home so the blonde could rest, Alex slept almost all the way home, waking up as Olivia pulled up outside her apartment.

"Hey sleepyhead" Olivia said gently

"Did I fall asleep?"

Olivia gave a small laugh as she nodded, causing Alex to shrug her shoulders sheepishly

"Sorry"

"Hey, no need to apologise Alex, you're tired, it's okay"

Alex nodded as they entered the brunette's apartment, she headed straight for the bedroom and Olivia let her go, not wanting to crowd the woman who was obviously trying to understand her emotions.

A few hours later Alex called out for the brunette who headed into the bedroom, she saw Alex curled up into a ball, crying silently.

"Hey, what's wrong darling?"

"I want to cut" Alex whispered "I'm so scared"

Olivia gently touched Alex's shoulder before pulling her into a hug "You don't need to cut Alex, talk to me, what's scaring you?"

"These thoughts"

"What thoughts?" Olivia asked, although not entirely sure she wanted to hear the answer

"Today was hard" Alex told the brunette "We talked about self harming and I told Ellen that it was a constant thought, we talked about how it made me feel when I was cutting and how I felt afterwards"

"Can you talk to me about it?"

Alex shook her head "I just can't stop thinking. I don't always want to cut, but I see glass, or a blade and that's where my thoughts go, subconsciously I think about it all the time"

Olivia didn't know what to say so she just held the blonde, hoping her love would be enough for the moment.

That evening Olivia managed to get Alex to eat a sandwich, the blonde had been adamant that she wasn't hungry and although Olivia didn't want to guilt trip Alex into eating, she reminded her that she had another life inside her that needed nutrition and she needed to think of the baby

Alex had screamed at Olivia, angry that the brunette was using these tactics on her but she knew that Olivia was right.

"I'm sorry for screaming at you" Alex apologised as they climbed into bed a few hours later "I know you weren't being unnecessarily nasty"

"I just care about you Alex, and I worry, a lot. I don't like seeing you like this but I know you aren't doing it on purpose"

Alex nodded into the brunette's neck "I love you"

"I love you too, you and our baby" Olivia reaffirmed before asking "Would you like to talk about what else you and Ellen discussed?"

Alex nodded lightly "We talked about being intimate. She explained that there were ways for us to build our intimacy without sex, such as cuddling and gentle kissing, she suggested massages, I mentioned we'd tried it, and she also suggested taking baths together, just holding each other in the water and talking"

"And are these suggestions you're willing to try?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, I mean, I love being held by you, and I love holding you too and when you gave me that massage it felt nice you know?"

Olivia nodded "I like holding each other too and I know what you mean about the massage. It's nice to be close to you Alex in any way"

Alex nodded "I'm really tired Liv"

"Then sleep, how are you feeling now Alex?"

"I'm okay, just tired"

Olivia placed a small kiss on Alex's cheek as the blonde yawned and closed her eyes. Within minutes Alex was asleep, it took Olivia a couple more hours to drift off.


	46. Chapter 46

**Here's the next chapter for you, seeing as I had a few reviews pretty quick after posting and I'm off to bed as soon as this is up. I am not sure when the next update will be as I want to get some more of the story written first. I have now finished writing Chapter 50 but am updating quicker than I'm managing to write so may be a few days before I update again, unfortunately. **

**Also, I am not a doctor so any information that is incorrect I sincerely apologise for, I get my information from the tv and internet and the little I know from my sister's pregnancies.**

Chapter 46

Before either woman knew it, it was time for Alex's next antenatal appointment. The blonde was evidently nervous and Olivia had to calm her down a few times. They'd woken after a nightmare free night and spent a little time making out, both women had found themselves getting aroused and mutually agreed to end the session, they'd then shared a quiet breakfast. Even though the day had started off on a high she still found herself wondering how she was going to be a Mother and her mind was spinning as they waited to be called

"Alex, relax. Everything is going to be fine honey"

"I know" Alex murmured, her leg once again bouncing as she grasped her hands together in her lap. Olivia took one of the blonde's hands in her own, running her fingers over it gently

"Hey, why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know"

"I think you do. You're going to be a great Mom and I'm right here beside you. I'm scared too Alex, but I know we can do this, I know you can do this. It's never easy, raising a baby and I know that the circumstances in which this one was conceived were far from ideal but a new life is growing inside you, and all we can do is learn and take one day at a time"

Alex gave a small smile as she leant into the brunette "How do you always know what to say?"

"I don't, but I know you"

"I love you"

Olivia nodded and whispered "I love you too" as the OBGYN entered the waiting room.

"Alex Cabot?"

Alex stood quickly, her movements startling the brunette. Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, tugging her upright beside her as they followed the doctor into the consultation room. Once the blonde was situated on the bed, Olivia beside her, the doctor took out her notes

"So, Alex, how's everything been since I last saw you?"

"Okay. I had a little bit of morning sickness midway through but other than that, it's been fine"

"She slipped in the bathroom as well" Olivia added, knowing Alex was deliberately not mentioning that piece of information. Alex turned and looked at Olivia, she sighed but nodded

"It's okay though, it wasn't a bad fall"

"Have you had any cramps, or spotting since then?" the doctor asked, scribbling away on the notepad she held

Alex shook her head, her fingers twitching on her stomach. The move was noticed by the doctor.

"I know you're impatient to see the foetus again Miss Cabot but I have a few tests I need to run first. Nothing to worry about, just blood pressure and I'd like to take some blood too"

The doctor ran the necessary tests and excused herself for a moment, leaving Alex and Olivia alone. The blonde turned to Olivia, a worried look on her face "Do you think everything's okay?"

"I am sure there's nothing to worry about" Olivia replied "It's just standard"

"What if I hurt him?" Alex asked

"Who?"

"The baby" Alex clarified "What if the fall I had did something?"

"You're worrying unnecessarily. Have you thought something was wrong before today?"

Alex shook her head "No"

"Then relax. And what makes you so sure it's a boy?"

Alex furrowed her brows "I…"

"You said, and I quote 'What if I hurt HIM?', How do you know it's a boy?"

"I don't" Alex chuckled lightly "I just don't like saying 'it' or 'the baby', it feels so...impersonal"

A few minutes later the doctor came back, she looked at Alex and said gently "You're blood pressure is a little high Alex, I know that it's a stressful time, especially for first time mothers but you need to avoid stressful situations and take a lot of time to relax. When a pregnant women presents with high blood pressure at this stage it is usually due to pre existing high blood pressure and not a result of pregnancy but it does mean you are more than likely to develop pre-eclampsia"

"Pre-Eclampsia, what is that?" Olivia asked, squeezing Alex's hand, she had felt the tension in the blonde when the doctor was talking and wanted to reassure the blonde that everything was going to be okay.

"It's a condition that can affect the liver and kidneys and prevent your blood from clotting which is quite dangerous during labour. I'm going to give you a leaflet to look through, which explains it in greater detail but I don't want you to worry Alex, okay. That won't help. Not all women with high blood pressure develop pre-eclampsia but try and reduce your stress levels with massages and long baths, take time to relax, everything should be fine"

"Okay" Alex murmured quietly, nerves evident on her face as she looked at Olivia

"Everything else is okay though, right?"

The doctor nodded "All your blood work came back normal, so that's good. Now how about we see how the little one is getting on"

Alex and Olivia watched the screen eagerly as the doctor applied the gel and ran the probe across the blonde's stomach, when the small but definite features of their baby came across the screen, both women gave a short gasp

"It's grown" Alex whispered in awe

"The foetus is now around an inch long, it's growing very nicely. At this stage the foetus's eyes are fully formed but they will not open until around 27 weeks. The external sex organs are there but we won't be able to determine the gender until another few weeks. Everything looks normal and as it should be Alex"

Alex smiled widely at the brunette beside her, and Olivia face mirrored that of the blonde's.

"I love you" Alex mouthed as she looked back at the screen, a tear escaping the corner of her eye

* * *

That evening Alex lay on the couch, Olivia behind her. The brunette had one arm under her head and the other lying across Alex's stomach, gently caressing. Both women were ready for bed, and relatively comfortable, although Olivia could feel the tension radiating from the blonde

"I like moments like this" Alex mused "With you holding me"

"Me too" Olivia agreed noting the slight shake in the blonde's voice "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay" Alex replied quietly

"You're a little tense Alex"

"I know"

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Alex was struggling to hold in the tears and when she replied "Just hold me" the break in her voice was evident

Olivia shuffled behind the blonde, and lifted the arm that was across Alex's stomach to caress her cheek "What's wrong sweetheart?"

Alex sat up, causing Olivia to do so; she sat rigidly on the edge of the couch "I don't know. I just can't relax and I'm scared I'm going to hurt the baby"

"Sweetheart, I know you're scared but worrying is not going to help" Olivia said gently as she slid beside the blonde, she wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders and gently ran the hand through the blonde's hair "Just relax, come on, lean on me and close your eyes"

Alex did as suggested and slowly she managed to relax enough to enjoy the ministrations, she felt safe with Olivia and it seemed the brunette always knew what she needed. She allowed herself to halt the thoughts in her head and concentrated on the love that Olivia was offering. When Alex began getting sleepy she smiled "Can we go up to bed?"

Olivia nodded as she slowed her movements, and helped Alex upright and towards the bedroom. Once she had the blonde settled in the bed, she checked the doors and windows before returning. Alex was asleep, curled onto her side, snoring softly. Olivia placed a kiss to her cheek as she climbed in and snuggled up to Alex, falling asleep shortly afterwards.


	47. Chapter 47

**Okay, so I decided to post today, and have managed to write a little more. The next chapter may be up on Thursday, but if not it will be Saturday, depending on how writing goes as I am going to my cousins on Friday and won't be back until late. **

**TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter **

Chapter 47

Olivia stretched as she sat up; she wiped the sleep from her eyes as the faint sound of the shower awakened her senses as panic filled her. She climbed from the bed and stopped as she saw Alex standing in her underwear a few steps from the shower.

"Alex" she said quietly as not to startle the woman "Alex"

The blonde didn't respond, she took a couple of steps forward, and stepped under the spray. She let out a loud sob as the water hit her. Olivia rushed forwards but Alex shook her head

"I'm fine Olivia, I'm fine"

Olivia didn't know what to do so she continued to watch, helpless as Alex stood trembling under the water. After a few minutes Alex stepped out from the water and reached for the brunette, she fell into outstretched arms as Olivia brought the gently to the floor

"Shh, shh, you're okay" Olivia soothed the blonde as she ran a hand through her hair, she pulled a towel from the rail, and wrapped it around the blonde's shoulders.

After what seemed like hours Alex stopped shaking, the tears now dried on her cheeks "Sorry"

"Whatever are you apologising for?"

"I should have woken you"

Olivia placed a gentle kiss on the blonde's temple "Tell me what was going through your mind as you stepped into the shower?"

"I don't know" Alex whispered "I woke up and I had this urge to cut, at first I was scared because I was so close to doing it but then I realised that I could use that need for pain in another way"

"That's not healthy Alex"

"I know, I know but I wanted to feel something"

"And now, did it help?" Olivia asked

"No" Alex murmured "I still want to cut"

"Oh Alex"

Alex shrugged out of the brunette's arms "Please, let me have a few minutes"

Olivia grabbed Alex before she could get too far away "Come to me after, okay? Promise me Alex, you'll come get me"

Alex nodded "I promise"

Olivia loosened the grip on the blonde, allowing Alex to take the blade from the cabinet.

* * *

Alex emerged from the bathroom almost 20 minutes later, the blade in her hand. Olivia scanned the blonde's bare arms for any fresh wounds; she was confused when she couldn't see any

"Alex?"

"I couldn't" Alex whispered as she approached the brunette sitting on the bed "Take it"

Olivia gently took the blade from Alex, putting it out of reach on the beside cabinet "Talk to me"

"I couldn't. You gave me permission, and I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I wanted to, I really did but…something stopped me, you stopped me"

"How?"

"Knowing I could have that control, that you allowed me that control"

"You are in control Alex. I didn't want you to cut but I wanted you to come to me afterwards if you did, not for me to stop you and then a few hours later, you hide in the bathroom and do it anyway"

Alex nodded as she sat down, she leant into the brunette "Can I go back to sleep?"

"You tired?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, I was awake really early"

Olivia nodded in understanding as she pulled the blonde down so they were laying, the blonde nestled into Olivia's side "Sleep then honey, I'm right here"

Alex sighed as she closed her eyes, the warmth of the brunette's arms around her allowing her to drift off into a deep sleep. Olivia knew it was fruitless trying to sleep herself, so once she was certain that Alex was asleep, she slid from the bed. She disposed of the blade and headed into the kitchen.

20 minutes later she had a cup of coffee in front of her as she held the phone to her ear

"Abbie, can you come over?"

* * *

Alex awoke a few hours later; she climbed from the bed and wrapped herself in a gown before heading to find Olivia.

She was startled to find Abbie sitting on the couch reading a magazine "Abbie?"

The brunette turned and gave a small smile to the confused blonde "Hey Al"

"Where's Olivia?"

Abbie patted the couch "Come sit down, we need to talk"

"What is it, Abbie, where's Olivia?" Alex asked, panic filling her as she sat down tentatively

"She went to see her therapist"

Alex felt herself started to tear up "She's finding this harder than she lets on, isn't she?"

"I think so. Alex, she doesn't blame you. I can see it in your eyes that you think it's your fault, but it's not okay?"

"Did she call you?"

Abbie nodded "Yeah, she asked if I could come over, she didn't want to leave you on your own but I could see she needed to talk"

"I'm so stupid"

"Hey! Don't you dare, Alex, don't let this get to you, she'll be fine, she just needs to talk. I don't know where this came from, but it isn't your fault"

"She gave me permission to cut"

"Alex…"

"I didn't" Alex said "I couldn't. I wanted to so badly, and I asked Olivia to give me a few moments alone, she told me to come to her after I did it but I couldn't. I wanted to but she stopped me, knowing she was giving that control to me"

"I know how it feels Alex, I know that sometimes the urge is beyond anything you've ever dealt with, that sometimes you just need to, but I also know how hard it is on the person watching it happen. Olivia loves you, beyond all else, she loves you and your baby"

"I love her too, I really do"

"And she knows that. Come on, don't let this get to you, Olivia told me I had to keep you from getting stressed out"

"My blood pressure was a little high yesterday, the doctor told me I had to be careful"

Abbie nodded in understanding "Then try and relax a little. Can I give you a hug?"

Alex nodded and allowed Abbie to pull her into her arms, it was different from what she'd experienced before, with Olivia, she felt loved and safe, with Serena she felt cared for, but with Abbie, it felt like she was understood.

That's how Olivia found them a couple of hours later. Abbie had tried to get Alex to eat but the blonde felt like she would break without someone holding her, she felt like she needed holding together and until Olivia got home, Abbie would do that.

"Abs" she said gently, not wanting to startle both of the women "She okay?"

Abbie looked up and nodded "I don't know, she won't let me let go, I've tried getting her to eat but every time I try to move she grips me harder"

"Alex? Alex, honey"

Alex lifted her head and sobbed as she saw the brunette hovering above her, she lifted herself from Abbie's embrace and flew into Olivia's arms, she placed kisses on Olivia's neck in quick concession "I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Olivia furrowed her brows but allowed Alex to seek the comfort she obviously needed. Abbie felt as if she was intruding and went to leave but Olivia placed a hand on her arm "Stay"

"Liv…"

"Please"

Abbie nodded as she sat back down. Olivia manoeuvred herself into an armchair, pulling Alex onto her lap. The blonde buried her head into Olivia's neck as she allowed herself to cry silently.

A short time later she excused herself to the bathroom, silently promising Olivia she wasn't going to cut.

"How are you feeling?" Abbie asked once Alex was out of earshot

"I'm okay" Olivia assured the younger brunette "I just needed to talk it out, that's all"

"Alex told me what happened, I thought she was doing better "

"She was, she is. I don't know what triggered this morning, but I think I did the right thing. If I had prevented her from cutting, she would have done it later on, and in secret"

"Probably" Abbie agreed "It's a constant struggle when you're a self harmer, even a recovered one. I still have moments, you know that but I find ways to cope, I have methods when I feel myself wavering"

"How do you do it?" Olivia asked "Or do you not want to talk about it?"

"I talk to Serena, or I write. I write how I feel, what I'm thinking, how far I've come but most of all, I tell myself that it's okay to feel like that, that if I do relapse, it's not failure. One day at a time, that's all I can do, take one day at a time"

"Thank you for coming over Abs, I didn't want Alex to wake up alone, you know"

"I do. I'm going to head home. Liv, talk to Alex, and make sure she eats. I'll call you later"

Olivia hugged the brunette, thanking her once again before allowing her to leave. She then waited for Alex to return from the bathroom but was greeted with an icy stare and the silent treatment as Alex headed to the kitchen to make a drink


	48. Chapter 48

**Apologies for not getting this up until today but I hope that this chapter makes up for the wait...sorry it's not a happier chapter, my muse wanted some angst**

**TRIGGER WARNING in this chapter**

Chapter 48

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alex asked as they sat side by side on the couch, a small distance between them. Alex was now she was looking accusingly at Olivia after returning from the kitchen

"Tell you what?"

"That you were finding it hard to do this. I don't want to be a burden on you Olivia, I can move back to my apartment, renew my lease"

"Alex, listen to me, you are not a burden" Olivia said firmly, putting emphasis on the word 'not' "Yes, I am finding it hard because I love you so much and I hate seeing you hurting and not knowing what to do to make it better for you. I just…I didn't want to stress you out unnecessarily; you heard what the doctor said. I just needed to talk, that was all, to try and understand some of my own thoughts"

"I appreciate that Olivia but I thought you trusted me, I thought that you would be able to talk to me"

"I do trust you Alex but I also know you, you'd blame yourself, like you already are, you'd think that it was unfair on me and close yourself off and push me away. I didn't want that Alex, and I didn't want to upset you"

"Well you did" Alex retorted back, immediately regretting it "Olivia…"

"No, don't. I'm going to make something to eat"

"I'm not hungry"

"Well I am Alex, and you have a baby growing inside of you, so you're going to shut up and eat something" the brunette said heatedly as she turned and walked into the kitchen

"You can't guilt trip me Olivia!" Alex called out after her before covering her face, trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall

"I wasn't…" Olivia began as she stormed back into the living room but stopped at the sight before her "Al?"

"Go away" Alex said, her voice muffled by her hands but it was evident that she was close to crying and Olivia felt absolutely awful, she approached cautiously and sat beside the blonde

"I'm sorry" she said gently, placing a hand on Alex's shoulder not expecting the blonde to shrug away. She returned her hands to her lap and said "I should have told you where I was going at least"

"That's what hurt me most Olivia. After this morning, you just upped and left me, left me with Abbie, do you know how it felt to have her tell me that you had gone to see a therapist?"

"I didn't think about that"

"I know" Alex said before sighing, she pulled her hands away from her face and turned to the brunette "I know you thought you were protecting me, but you weren't. I know this isn't easy on you and I appreciate everything you've done for me. You could of, you should of and I wouldn't have blamed you if you did, left me, told me to go back to my apartment"

"I love you"

"But is love enough to keep you here, it's hurting you, and I know you say that it hurts because you love me and I know you'll say that it would still hurt even I wasn't staying here but at least you wouldn't have to face it every minute of the day"

Olivia placed a hand on Alex's arm "Alex, I want you to be here, I want to face this with you and be there for you. Sometimes I need to talk about things with someone other than you, and Abbie"

"I understand that and I'm not angry that you went to see a therapist. I'm just upset that you didn't feel you could tell me"

Olivia nodded and ran her hand gently up the blonde's arm "I am hungry and I hope you'll eat something"

Alex nodded and allowed Olivia to retreat back into the kitchen, the brunette stopped at the doorway before turning "I love you Alex and that won't ever change"

* * *

After they had eaten Olivia suggested that they just curl up on the couch and watch some pointless telly, Alex had eaten half a sandwich and promised she'd eat more later and Olivia didn't want to argue so she accepted it, although wishing Alex had eaten a little more.

Now, she could feel the blonde's mind working overdrive and the way Alex was gripping the couch was concerning the brunette "Alex…"

The blonde turned her head slightly but her face was void of emotion, her eyes looked empty and Olivia felt like she could see right into her soul. Alex blinked before she turned her head away, her hands digging further into the couch

"Alex…" Olivia tried again, grabbing the blonde's hand that was closest to her "Talk to me"

"Get off"

Olivia let go quickly, realising that Alex was having some kind of flashback before she crawled from the couch and knelt in front of the blonde "Alex, it's just me. No one's going to hurt you, I promise, you're safe"

It didn't seem to be working and Olivia didn't want to cause Alex any harm but it was scaring her. Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed the blonde's hands, running her fingers of the knuckles before tugging her forward, she wrapped her arms around Alex's body and held tight. The blonde wasn't fighting but her hold body was tense.

"Come back to me Alex, listen to my voice okay. It's just me"

It took Olivia a good twenty minutes but she finally felt Alex's body go slack against her and then it shook as the blonde began to sob loudly. Olivia had held the blonde tightly, talking to her gently, although inside she was terrified.

She pulled back searching Alex's eyes and was relieved to see that they had returned to their natural hue and were no longer dark and unfeeling, she gave a small smile to the blonde "Hey"

"What happened?"

"You had a flashback" Olivia explained "It was a bad one it seems. It took me a while to get you out of it"

Alex furrowed her brows "What caused it? I don't…Olivia, why can't I remember?"

"I don't know Alex" Olivia replied honestly "We were just watching the TV, I noticed you were gripping the couch and I said your name, you….you looked at me, but you didn't answer. When I went to touch you, you told me to get off and then I realised what had happened"

Alex nodded, and Olivia took her place beside the blonde, she offered her arms to Alex who leant into them and placed a kiss on the blonde's hair

A few minutes later Alex whispered "You can't beat me"

"What was that?" Olivia asked, not quite catching the blonde's words

"You can't beat me"

Olivia furrowed her brows, as she tried to figure out what Alex was talking about

"He said that to me, a lot"

"Okay" Olivia said, still not sure what Alex was getting at and worried that Alex was having another flashback

"The man on that show we were watching, he said that"

Olivia recalled it, vaguely and nodded as she ran a comforting hand along Alex's arm "That's why you had a flashback"

Alex nodded and then sighed "I haven't had one in a while, do you think that's why it was harder to get me out of it this time?"

Olivia thought for a moment before responding "That may be partly why but I also think that the events of the last couple of days haven't helped"

"I'm so tired"

"Then sleep if you want, I'm here"

"I don't mean physically" Alex explained "Although I am a little, I mean I'm tired of everything, of taking one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing well, sometimes I think that I'm getting better you know, but then…"

"Setbacks happen. Alex, every day I see a bit more of the old you coming back. I see your smile, and it reaches your eyes, and I've seen that sparkle in your eyes return and I know you ARE getting better but not every day is going to be plain sailing, not every day will be a good day but you have more good days now than when you first came home. That's what you have to hold on to"

Alex nodded but Olivia could tell that she was still dwelling and hoped that the appointment with Ellen tomorrow would help Alex see that everything that was happening was normal.


	49. Chapter 49

**I apologise for the delay in posting, been a lot going on in the last few days and writing has been the last thing on my mind. This is quite a heavy chapter, so a TRIGGER WARNING is in order. My muse was feeling like writing angst after that date I went on but on a brighter note I have another one with another girl next week :) **

Chapter 49

The month that passed had been one of extreme highs and damning lows. Olivia had been to see her therapist more than once, as Alex's anger began to spiral out of control. She had screamed, shouted and even attempted to hit the brunette on more than one occasion, more often than not after Olivia had tried to get the blonde to go out. It seemed that Alex had been content, or as content as could be, sitting at home watching the TV, or sleeping/

Olivia was worried but in that time, Alex had also made progress, she had managed nearly half an hour outside the bathroom with the shower running without a flashback, they had spent various amounts of time making out, and Alex had even asked and allowed Olivia to touch her more intimately, they had taken baths in each others presence although not yet together and taken turns massaging each other. Most nights were spent wrapped up in the brunette's arms and nightmares were far and few between.

But it was the things that Olivia could not see that worried her and it was the day before the blonde's next antenatal appointment, at 15 weeks, that she realised she had a reason to be worried.

"Liv…"

Olivia lifted her head as she heard the blonde calling from the bathroom, she hurried up from the couch concerned to hear distress in Alex's voice

She had to stop herself from smiling as she noted Alex looking into the full length mirror, her hand on her now noticeable bump as she struggled to do up the button on her jeans "What's wrong?"

"I'm fat"

"You're pregnant" Olivia countered "And still beautiful"

"I can't do them up" the blonde gestured to her jeans with a sigh "I feel like a whale"

Olivia chuckled but stopped when it earned a glare from the blonde "You look absolutely gorgeous. You're 15 weeks pregnant Alex, maybe it's time we looked for maternity wear, I'm sure we could find some to suit your taste"

Alex smiled affectionately at the brunette, accepting the brunette's attempt at trying to make her feel better "Can you get me some sweatpants?"

Olivia nodded as she retreated from the room. Alex hurried out of her jeans, as fast as she could but Olivia returned before she could cover herself and the brunette stopped dead in her tracks

"Alex…"

Alex froze but relaxed and continued as if nothing was amiss "Oh thanks for the sweatpants"

Olivia felt tears rush to her eyes as she ran forwards "What have you done?"

Alex looked down at her thighs and guiltily lifted her head, noticing the tears rolling along Olivia's cheeks "I…I…don't cry"

"Why?" Olivia asked, reaching out to trace the angry red marks marring alabaster skin as Alex sat down on the edge of the bathtub

"I…I just needed it. I need to do it"

"No!" Olivia said harshly straightening herself up "You don't need to, Alex, and I wish you'd have told me. I know it's not hard to stop, I know about the urges and how you feel you need that release, I get it but you hid from me. I knew something was going on!"

"I'm sorry"

"Because you got caught Alex, you cut your fucking thighs for Christ's sake, you knew that I'd be less likely to see them than on your arms"

"I couldn't help it" Alex whispered, her voice breaking as the tears came thick and fast

Olivia sighed as Alex doubled over, the force of the sobs causing her to grip the edge of the bathtub. It wasn't that Olivia was angry that Alex had cut again, although she had thought that there had been some breakthrough with it, she was more upset that Alex had hidden it from her.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly as she touched Alex's back between her shoulders "I didn't mean to shout at you, I was, I am worried about you. Have you spoken to Ellen about it?"

Alex shook her head as the sobs subsided, the tears were still falling but she managed to look up at Olivia "I was ashamed. I am, I haven't in a few days Olivia, I…"

"I can tell" Olivia said as she tentatively placed her hand on Alex's thigh "Some of these were pretty deep though Alex. When did you…?"

"You went to the Wal-Mart" Alex began but Olivia walked away and Alex stopped talking, she knew Olivia was working things through in her head and she also knew that Olivia would catch on fairly quickly

"Every time I asked if you wanted to go out because I needed to, Wal-Mart, the bank, into town, you kept telling me you were tired, Alex, when you knew you were going to cut every time, you knew didn't you?"

Alex nodded "I'm sorry"

"Get dressed. I'm calling Ellen; you need to see her as soon as possible"

Alex nodded glumly as Olivia left the bathroom, she quickly pulled on the pyjama bottoms and headed out into the living room

"Get your coat on Alex, Ellen's free"

"Liv…" Alex began, pausing as she realised arguing would be futile. The brunette had the blonde's interests at heart and she wasn't being necessarily nasty, she was angry and hurt and Alex understood that

The ride to the counselling offices was spent in silence and it wasn't until Olivia parked that it was broken. The brunette took Alex's hand, running her finger over the blonde's knuckles "Alex, I'm not doing this to hurt you but I'm worried about you, I hate seeing you hurting and it scares me that you hid this from me, I thought we'd spoken about this, about you keeping things from me?"

"I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I know you're worried and I hate that I hurt you by not telling you but I was ashamed and scared of your reaction"

"What did you think I was going to do Alex? I love you, and I want to be there for you through this, that's what people do when they love someone, they stick by them and be the shoulder to cry on"

"I'm sorry"

"I am too, for getting angry at you, I didn't mean to make you cry. Promise me, you'll talk to Ellen about how you're feeling"

Alex nodded but said quietly "I promise" when Olivia gave her a pointed look

* * *

Olivia looked up at the large clock in the waiting room for the hundredth time or so it seemed. Alex had talked to Ellen for almost 2 hours; the young doctor had emerged after an hour to tell Olivia that they'd be running over the designated time.

The brunette had heard the sobs coming from the room on more than one occasion and had wished that she was able to be there for the blonde. She had thought and now felt horrible for the way she had reacted to seeing the fresh cuts littering Alex's thighs, she had been shocked at first and concerned and let that cloud her judgement.

Olivia sighed once again, before snapping her head up at the sound of an opening door. Alex emerged, obviously emotionally spent, her normally immaculate hair was unraveled from its ponytail and obscuring most of her face, her eyes were red and puffy and she was clutching a tissue in her hand.

"Hey" Olivia said standing to greet her

Alex looked up before back at Ellen, she steadied herself on the door frame and said to Olivia "Take me home, please"

Ellen nodded before smiling warmly at the brunette, Olivia returned the smile before offering her hand to the blonde who took it, allowing Olivia to comfort her.

Once in the car, Alex didn't attempt to let go of Olivia's hand and the brunette sensed that the blonde needed the reassurance that she was there, she squeezed Alex's hand gently as she started the car and pulled away from the curb.

The ride home was as silent as the ride there but the tension had been lifted, both women having taken the time to understand the others reactions and accepted them as what they were.

Olivia parked the car and climbed out, she opened Alex's door and led the blonde into the apartment. She didn't want to push and therefore once Alex was settled on the couch, she headed into the kitchen to make a light lunch. When she returned Alex was curled into the corner, crying softly

"Hey…" Olivia said gently, and a little hesitantly

Alex lifted her head and gave a watery smile, she took the plate from Olivia as she sat herself up a little "Thanks"

"Do you want to talk?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders but began speaking anyway "I'm sorry for shutting you out"

"I understand why you did it Alex, I don't like it but I understand and I'm sorry for shouting at you and getting angry"

"I deserved it" Alex said, holding up a hand as Olivia went to protest "No, I did Olivia, I don't blame you for it, I know why you did and I'm glad you did because I spent a long time talking to Ellen about things and it made me feel better"

"I'm glad"

"I'm going to try not to harm myself anymore, I don't want to promise anything but I'm going to try and I'll talk to you as much as I can, but you can't get angry at me Olivia if I cut without talking to you"

"Okay, but I want you to tell me if you have cut, can you do that? If you do and you didn't talk to me first, can you talk to me afterwards please? I just want to know about it"


End file.
